They All Scream

by Bill Vourvoulias

For years now, high-end restaurants have been pushing “savory” (i.e., disgusting) ice creams on us. Well, now it’s payback time. We gathered the foulest flavors we could find and fed them to pastry chefs from three of New York’s hottest restaurants: Spice Market’s Pichet Ong, Sam Mason of wd-50, and Per Se’s Sébastien Rouxel — without telling them what noxious concoctions they were about to consume. Oh, we also scooped some for a few of our favorite kids. Why? Because we’re nasty like that.

 

Flavor: CHOCOLATE GARLIC
Provenance: Marianne’s Ice Cream, Santa Cruz, California.
Rouxel: Is it chocolate and horseradish? Roasted garlic? I’m always looking for new combinations.
Mason: Note to self: no garlic. You don’t want anything to linger as long as this garlic is lasting in my mouth.
Rachel, age 8: It tastes like poop. How could you live with yourself if you made that ice cream?

 

Flavor: HADDOCK
Provenance: Tom Wahl’s restaurant, Rochester, New York.
Rouxel: I like fish sticks, but mixed with the ice cream they’re soggy, like wet bread. Plus, I’m not sure fish and ice cream is a good combination.
Mason: The flavor’s fine, but haddock is a trash fish. It could be good, but frozen fish crystallizes easily, and the chunks are way too big. They went overboard.
Alexander, age 10: That’s either fish or two-year-old hair.

 

Flavor: BAY LEAF
Provenance: Sumile restaurant, Manhattan.
Rouxel: Tastes like eucalyptus. It’s fluffy, like whipped cream.
Ong: There’s acidity and a really nice texture. It could do with a little more salt.
Rachel, age 8: That’s the worst ice cream of the century. The flavor is grosso.
Penny, age 5: I’m not going to taste any more. All the flavors are just dirty.

 

Flavor: LOX
Provenance: Max & Mina’s, Queens, New York.
Rouxel: Not good. Lox has a greasy taste that doesn’t go with ice cream.
Ong: Not bad, actually. I’ve had something similar at Petrossian.
Mason: Wow. I feel as if I was just tortured by Fudgie the Whale.
Bruno, age 5: Blecch. It tastes like tuna. Is this really necessary?
Oscar, age 5: It tastes like tuna, but it’s also pretty good.
Alexander, age 10: You know what this is like? Fear Factor for kids.

 

Flavor: DURIAN
Provenance: Polly Ann’s, San Francisco, California.
Mason: A kind word would be wretched. You get this from Spice Market? Pichet will say it’s not as good as his.
Ong: The taste is not horrible, but I make mine stronger. It should be chunky with bits of durian.
Molly, age 6: Ew. It looks like dog pee. I’m not tasting it.
Alexander, age 10: That’s fart ice cream, isn’t it?
Thelonious, age 7: I’m poisoned! I’m poisoned!
Thelonious’s mom: Did you just poison my child?

 

Flavor: LOBSTER
Provenance: Ben and Bill’s Chocolate Emporium, Bar Harbor, Maine.
Rouxel: If I decided to do something like that, my boss would not be happy. It’s too scary for the guests. Maybe it’d work at wd-50, where people expect to be shocked.
Mason: Far from disgusting; it’s just poorly done. I’d think more bouillabaisse; start with saffron-flavored ice cream and hit it with chunks of fish.
Rachel, age 8: I like lobster, but I don’t like it in ice cream.
Thelonious, age 7: Run, before he makes us try another!

Photos: Kanji Ishii