Dear Mr. Skinny

by Dale Hrabi

If you’ve seen the new gaunt Karl Lagerfeld you’ve probably wondered enviously how the once blobby fashion legend became as thin as any strapping young meth addict. Stomach staple? Competitive purging sessions with Lara Flynn Boyle?

Actually, it was a diet. A very special, all-natural, merciless, satanic diet. In his new book, The Karl Lagerfeld Diet, the designer reveals how he happily wasted away back in 2001 under the supervision of Dr. Jean-Claude Houdret, who whittled the 5’11” Lagerfeld down to a medically unsound 132 pounds with a regime of coffee, fish, the odd vegetable, and creepy-sounding “protein sachets.”

Refreshingly, Lagerfeld admits that he decided to lose 80 pounds for one reason only: so that he could fit into tiny, tiny spaces. Specifically, the spaces inside the severely tailored clothes of Hedi Slimane, then designing for Yves Saint Laurent.

And given Lagerfeld’s evangelical zeal, we wouldn’t be surprised if he launched a syndicated advice column to help others who yearn to Fit into Unlikely Things. It could be quite inspiring:

Dear Karl:
All my life I’ve wanted to fit into the cutlery drawer in my kitchen. Its dimensions are 14” W by 17” D by 4” H. How can I achieve my goal?
- Mary Klegg, Wilmont, Ohio

Cher Mary:
For you, I suggest a conservative, healthy target weight of 17 pounds. Limit your daily intake to black coffee, 1/150th of a watermelon, and two protein sachets. After one year, submit to the skills of a master carpenter who, under the supervision of a doctor, will power-sand away any excess flesh and bones. This may sting un peu, but just picture how beautiful you will look in your dream drawer.
- Karl

Dear Karl:
I would like to fit my whole body into an Ugg boot. Or possibly into the “one slice only” slot in my Kenmore toaster. But I can’t decide which would be more chic. Help!
- Heather Gzowski, Atlanta, Georgia

Cher Heather:
You are not focused enough for the rigors of my program! I hold my fan tightly to hide mes yeux from your pitiful letter.
- Karl

Dear Karl:
What’s your position on carbs? I’m really into my Atkins, and although I’m nowhere near my goal (fitting into a Federal Express mailing tube) I’m hesitant to make any sudden changes.
- Felicity Manson, Sacramento, California

Cher Felicity:
Here’s a little story: Your Dr. Atkins came to me in 1995, when I was still too weak of mind to battle my roundness, and insisted I eat only fatty meats. This tempted me, but I saw he was wearing a Gap pocket T. And that he carried with him an inferior Stephen King novel (I believe it was The Dark Half). Consider these facts, then tell me: Can such a man lead you safely into your handsome mailing tube? Pffffft!
- Karl

Dear Karl:
I know you’re more about getting scrawny and stuff, but — this is hard, man, I’ve never told anyone this before — I would really, really like to fill that big dome thing at Epcot Center. I only weigh 145 now (height 5’9”). Do you have any massive protein sachets I can buy?
- Larry Jacobson, via e-mail

Cher Larry:
You think so big: so Américain! I calculate you must gain 290,563 pounds, but do not worry: I will have a word with Yoji Yamamoto, and I’m sure he can make you some loose, unstructured, slimming black suits to wear as you gradually outgrow your house. As for diet, I recommend for you, each day, three protein sachets, seven to 10 raw fennel sticks, and one-half sperm whale, followed by a pumpkin seed and a cleansing anise tea.
- Karl

The Karl Lagerfeld Diet (PowerHouse Books), by Karl Lagerfeld and Dr. Jean-Claude Houdret, is available now.

Photos: NYDN