Britney Is Laughing At You

by Chris Rovzar

I used to think Britney Spears needed a “no” person — someone to follow her around telling her no, 24 hours a day. “Britney, put down the Cheetos,” he or she would say at nine in the morning. “Britney, try not to touch your face after you’ve touched Kevin.” But then I watched Britney and Kevin Federline’s new reality show, Chaotic, and I realized something: Britney might just be outsmarting us all. What if Ms. Spears is making all the right moves? Right down to the wallpaper in her dogs’ bedrooms? What if this was all...on purpose?

Here’s what Britney knows:

1) Red America has the power right now.

These people might listen to Christina Aguilera, but they do not listen to Jadakiss. After failed attempts at urban dance albums, Britney knows she needs to try a new tack, and every spilled milkshake, pair of jean shorts, and prison-grade tattoo might just be a step in the right direction.

2) It’s okay with us if you’re rich — you just can’t act that way. Follow the example of Kid Rock. Or George W. Bush.

Spears’s mom made a point or raving about Brit’s $7 million Malibu pad because the weedy and overgrown backyard reminded her of her Louisiana home. Britney had a beautiful, romantic wedding — but made sure everyone knew she served BBQ wings. Therein lies the essence of mass culture: You can have foie gras — but don’t forget the Velveeta. Britney and Bush alike advertise their likeable faults. He stumbles over big words. She gets acne and doesn’t bother with makeup sometimes. He falls off his mountain bike. She is, literally, barefoot and pregnant.

3) In 2004 Gretchen Wilson won the hearts of Americans with the song “Redneck Woman.”

Ladies of all races ’round the nation rallied behind the white trash anthem. Why? Because a lot of them keep their Christmas lights on the front porch all year long. Their pants make their butts look big — because they are big. Instead of scolding Britney for her choice in men, they empathize. Their husbands are also greasy sex monkeys. Those women are looking at Brit in the pages of Us Weekly and instead of thinking, Gross! they’re thinking, “Hey — I like Funyuns too!”

4) Everybody loves sex.

Sure, as Americans, we enjoy our porn. We like to see well-toned bodies going at it with marathon stamina and high production values. But when we have sex ourselves it’s messy, recklessly brief, and the soundtrack and lighting leave much to be desired. On Chaotic Britney gave all-American ugly sex the pop seal of approval. “We had sex three times today,” she squealed. “Three times. That’s why I’m glowing. The sex is so gooooood!” Okay, we’ve seen Kevin. We know it can’t be that good. But she loves it. Just like the rest of us.

5) People like to imagine they could be friends with celebrities.

Britney and Kevin still rave about Von Dutch, a good five years after even Cameron Diaz tossed her last trucker hat. You know why? Because being a few years behind the cutting edge puts her neck and neck with the rest of us. These are a girl and a guy that you could know. Kevin is the dude who’s stoned in the basement of your parent’s house. You don’t know him but you think he’s a friend of your brother’s, who isn’t home at the time. Britney is the girl who threw up on the Gravitron at the county fair.

6) People will like you for who you are. So long as you’re not too different from them.

Adopting street music worked for Eminem because he was from the street. Britney is from the country, and she’s finally realizing that she should stop pretending to be someone she isn’t. In fact, it’s been hurting her. For urban musicians, whose music is being pilfered by squeaky-clean pop stars, walking into a JT concert must be akin to walking into Wilson’s Leather Goods if you are a cow.

So, Britney, to you we say good luck, be well, and keep up the good work. We’ve already picked out your baby shower gift. It’s a Homer Simpson beer bottle opener. They were out of Big Mouth Billy Bass.

Photo: PMC