Tonight's TV Watch

• The Bachelor (ABC, 8PM): Sweet merciful crap, three hours of The Bachelor. Three hours! Does anybody even think their relationship will last that long? After seeing the way every single couple from the previous seasons have called it quits before the next season's over, how are we supposed to keep suspending our disbelief? Just pick your bitch, pose for some photo-ops in Hawaii, and dump her for your publicist. Let's be done with it already.

• More Awesome Celebrity Beefs (VH1, 9PM): Do you think if you told Steven Johnson about this show, he'd change the title of his book to "Everything Bad is Good for You. Except that Crap on VH1." Still, you know you're going to watch it -- but hit "last channel" and switch to the PBS documentary on Japanese internment if your roommate walks in.

• Everybody Loves Raymond Stunt (TV Land, 9PM): The only thing more annoying about the Everyone Loves Raymond circus is TV Land's programming for the evening: They're paying tribute to the series with a show that will feature -- no joke -- a room filled with 210 guys named Raymond. (Supposedly, they'll each wear a T-shirt with the title of one of the show's episodes.) Gag us now. (JH)

This Just In: Getting Drunk Now Significantly Easier

Who says the Supreme Court doesn't know how to party? The robed rock stars ruled today that consumers can buy wine directly from out-of-state vineyards, saying that laws banning such a practice are in violation of the Constitution's Commerce Clause. According to the Times:

Today's ruling is of intense interest not only to the states -- 26 of which already allow direct shipment from out-of-state wineries -- but also to the wholesale liquor industry, which fears eventually being left out of what is now a state-run three-tier system: liquor producer to licensed wholesaler to licensed retailer.

The paper of record failed to mention that today's decision is also of intense interest to web-surfing 14-year-olds everywhere wondering what the fuck to do on another interminably long Friday night. (MM)

• Supreme Court Strikes Down Bans on Wine Shipments [NYT]

The Latest Chapter in the Life of Wynn

Since the Wynn Las Vegas opened on April 28, hotel obsessives have been buzzing over the shiny $2.7 billion addition to the Las Vegas skyline. You could read the puff piece in this month's Vanity Fair to learn more about the new hotel, but over at World of Wonder, Randy Barbato delivers the straight scoop:

The hotel's centerpiece is a 45-foot waterfall-and-lagoon feature nestled in a man-made mountain covered with genuine pine-smelling trees. This is not to be confused with the 54-foot volcano across the street at the Mirage or the lesser tree-covered mountains right next door that surround Treasure Island's Sirens Cove. The key difference with Wynn's mountain and waterscape is that to really enjoy this magical landscape you must view it from inside the hotel, not the Strip! Very exclusive! In the latest Vanity Fair, Wynn said of his hotel, "No tricks. No plastic theme-park bullshit." Um, except for the plastic turf that surrounds the entire hotel. And the huge floral ball ornaments dangling from trees in the lobby. Fake as well.

As for $90 million Wynn spent on the "Le Reve," the Cirque de Soleil-esque show that features 70 actors frolicking in a 1-million-gallon performance pool, it's been a flop. Just three weeks after opening, they've already nixed a plan to feature two performances a night.

• Vegas hotel's $90m show takes a plunge [Boston Globe]

Photo: Wynn Las Vegas

Dead Man Rapping

The release of yet another posthumous Ol' Dirty Bastard record was announced late last week; the "Definitive Ol' Dirty Bastard" will be put out by Rhino later this summer, featuring new remixes and rare footage of America's favorite lunatic hype man (sorry Flava Flav, but you're nothing without Brigitte). This release ­-- the third since the overdose --­ puts ODB on pace to eclipse Tupac as the most exploited dead rapper on the planet.

The exploitation of the dead musician's legacy is nothing new, though ODB seems destined to become one of a handful of musicians who are actually more productive dead than alive:

Tupac Shakur: 7
Jimi Hendrix: 5
Jim Morrison: 3
Jeff Buckley: 2

Now if they'd only start putting out those archival Freaky Tah tracks. (LH)

• Rhino Prepares 'Definitive' ODB Set [Billboard]

Problematic Priuses

Hollywood stars beware! A software glitch is causing Priuses -- those gas-electric hybrid cars so popular with environmentally-conscious celebrities like Alicia Silverstone, Cameron Diaz, and Leonardo DiCaprio -- to shut down while driving. But only when you're, uh, flying along at "highway speeds." According to a report in The Wall Street Journal, there have been 13 reports of sudden engine shutdowns and while no idealistic, left-leaning actors have been killed on their way to meet their agents or managers yet, Toyota isn't taking chances. The auto manufacturer is asking owners to bring the cars in for a software upgrade.

Don't let a little bad news scare you off. As long as you continue driving your Prius, our atmosphere will be a little bit cleaner. And if you happen to die on the 405, you'll just be playing your part in alleviating the world's overpopulation problem.

• Prius hybrids dogged by software [CNN]


• Prius online message board [PriusChat.com]

David For Bolton

Look who supports John Bolton's nomination for US ambassador to the United Nations! It's Larry David, card-carrying Hollywood liberal:

I know this may not sound politically correct, but as someone who has abused and tormented employees and underlings for years, I am dismayed by all of this yammering directed at John Bolton. Let's face it, the people who are screaming the loudest at Bolton have never been a boss and have no idea what it's like to deal with nitwits as dumb as themselves all day long. Why, even this morning my moronic assistant handed me a cup of coffee with way too much milk in it. I was incensed.

• Larry David: Why I Support John Bolton [Huffington Post]

Revenge of the Nerds

Novelist/critic Dale Peck dusted off his hatchet to bloody Revenge of the Sith, the Star Wars legacy at large, and damn near everything that it represents for a New York Observer cover story last week. Predictably, Star Wars fan sites lit up like an exploding Death Star. At MillenniumFalcon.com, pissed Solo-ists parsed Peck's story and speculated that perhaps he hadn't even seen the movie prior to penning his piece. Several posters noted that their emails of protest to the Observer came back as "undeliverable," and wondered if the sheer volume of messages had crashed the Observer's server.

So we e-mailed the infamous Mr. Peck to find out. Peck conceeded that the paper may have received too many messages for it to handle and that's why some messages were returned -- a woman who answered the phone at the Observer said this happens "every now and again" -- but Peck insisted that the server did not crash. As to the question of whether or not he had seen Sith before writing about it, Peck refused confirm or deny whether he'd sat through Lucas's latest and chalked it up to -- and we're paraphrasing here -- the rantings of a bunch of pitiful nerds with way too much time on their homemade-Light-Saber-clutching hands.

These nerds may find some comfort in the A.O. Scott's review in today's Times, which is so glowing it's as if two suns are in the sky today. Tread lightly, young Jedis: Scott also once had a thing for a little picture called Monkeybone. (MM)

Photo: DalePeck.com

Dave Chappelle Asserts His Sanity

Time magazine, looking to gain back some editorial integrity after putting Bill Gates and the Xbox on its cover, has the scoop on Dave Chappelle's "mental breakdown," exclusively on its Web site. Time's Simon Robinson tracked Chappelle down in South Africa and reports that the comic is:

a: Not crazy.
b: Not addicted to drugs.
c: Afraid his friends are trying to take advantage of him.
d: Not paranoid.

Interestingly enough, the trip to South Africa took up 35 percent of Time's travel budget this week. (WL)

• On the Beach With Dave Chappelle [Time]

Soundtrack to Torture?

Jon Ronson, the author of The Men Who Stare at Goats, an account of bizarre military practices over the years, reveals a very curious fact in his recently-published book: At both Guantanamo Bay and in Iraq, soldiers used the very same music to torture prisoners. The torture playlist includes Kris Kristofferson, Matchbox Twenty, and "I Love You," the theme song from Barney. It's perfectly understandable that the Pentagon would have selected Barney to break prisoners' spirits, but Matchbox Twenty? How on earth did Rob Thomas become an instrument of torture? From a recent interview with Time Out:

Q: Matchbox Twenty?
A: It's a fact that they used Matchbox Twenty at Guanatanamo Bay. They also used Matchbox Twenty thousands of miles away, in a shipping container on the Iraqi-Syrian border. Now, why? Why on earth would a band that's not massively famous be used in these two places? It's either an extraordinary coincidence, or there's some central place that chooses the torture music and ships it out.

Matchbox Twenty is the best (or worst) the White House could come up with? We could rattle off three dozen songs that we'd barely be able to hear once, much less than all day and night. So in the interest of public service, we'll help out the Pentagon and assemble our very own torture playlist. We'll even e-mail it to the Pentagon. Help out your country, folks: Send in your suggestions and we'll post the Radar torture playlist later this week before we send it to Rumsfeld.

Morning Roundup

• Military troops in Uzbekistan open fire into crowds of protestors killing an estimated 700 people over the weekend. The government claims the protestors are Islamic militants, but they're probably just everyday citizens fed up with how crappy it is in Uzbekistan. (Times of London)

• Turns out Afghans were rioting over a rumor last week. Newsweek's story of a desecrated Quran sparked demonstrations that led to 15 deaths and plenty of American flag burning. But the story wasn't really, uh, true. Sorry about that. (Newsweek)

• Hey, National Public Radio: More rawk, less talk. The Corporation for Public Broadcasting, which funds NPR, suggested that the radio network should put more money toward boring music over boring news coverage. (NYT)

• About 125 Minnesota Catholics were denied Communion on Sunday after they refused to remove rainbow sashes supporting gay rights. Pentecost Sunday is the traditional "coming out" day for the Rainbow Sash Alliance, a gay Catholic group. The real problem? Sashes are just too gay. (Pioneer Press)

• In a Swiss study released over the weekend, an anti-nicotine vaccine kept 60 percent of 341 subjects off cigarettes for at least six months. The vaccine neutralizes the nicotine before it feels all good in your brain. Time to switch to blow. (AFX) (AG)

Counterfeit Honesty

We all know the bag you're carrying is a fake. We know very well you didn't spend thousands at Louis Vuitton. Admit it already. But don't just confess -- take pride in your sad, desperate attempt to fit in!

Mind What You Wear now offers counterfeit products with the word "Fake" emblazoned across the cheap, Guangzhou-made handbags. The company, which is based in Amsterdam, says they're fighting against "brand monopoly and label dictatorship." Naturally, freeing yourself from the yoke of fashion oppression comes at a price: the bags begin at 50 Euros. But you'll feel better when you look in the mirror, won't you?

• Fake bags [Mind What You Wear]

Bidding Adieu to Raymond

It may have taken nine years, 209 episodes and 56 Emmys, but we're thrilled to inform you that tonight marks the series finale of Everyone Loves Raymond. CBS execs didn't hold out much hope for the show when it premiered. The sitcom (which, by the way, Romano had considered naming "That Raymond Guy," "Raymond's Tree," "Just Raymond" or "Um, Raymond") was scheduled at 8:30 PM on Fridays and the studio audience "comprised mostly of nursing home and rehab residents." But it hit. And Romano walked off with $44 million last year.

Of course, Raymond isn't going quietly. CBS is pulling out the stops to promote the finale. The cast is appearing this morning on the Early Show and Live with Regis and Kelly, they'll be ringing the closing bell at the New York Stock Exchange, and they'll be visiting their boss, David Letterman, tonight on the Late Show. (Letterman's Worldwide Pants produces the show.) But despite all the CBS marketing hoopla, Raymond isn't really going anywhere. The show will torment us all in syndication for the rest of our natural lives.

• Loving on "Raymond" for Last Time [E! Online]

Photo: CBS

Shark By Day, Scholar By Night

You know Bert Fields. He's that attack dog of an entertainment attorney who makes headlines every time he files a nine-figure lawsuit against an actor or studio. In recent days, Fields has gone after the New York Post over items on Page Six which suggested that Hollywood talent agency William Morris is on the verge of collapse. In the Times on Sunday, however, Fields reveals his softer side:

Mr. Fields's knowledge of Shakespeare is more than a party trick. He's written two books on Shakespeare - the most recent, Players: The Mysterious Identity of William Shakespeare, published this spring after seven years' work, makes the case that Shakespeare didn't write the body of work attributed to him. While Players was well reviewed by Variety, most Shakespearean scholars simply don't buy Mr. Fields's controversial thesis. When he spoke to the Shakespeare Society in New York recently, members disputed just about everything in the book.

Until, you know, he sued them.

• Telling Hollywood It's Out of Order [NYT]
  Bert Fields Bio [Greenberg, Glusker]

Photo: HarperCollins

Five Star Child Labor

Have you seen those ads for the Peninsula Hotel in which a group of little Asian kids are dressed up as bellboys and wait staff? The photo is part of the luxe hotel's new marketing effort; the black and white pics were taken by superstar photographer Annie Leibovitz. Well, turns out some people are taking offense at the campaign:

I almost fainted when I first saw this image in a recent New Yorker Magazine... I had to deal with a serious case of the vapors because I could NOT imagine why a hotel would promote itself by advertising its abusive child labor practices! Small, barely smiling, kids dressed in service uniforms and crowded together for a portrait. No silly props. No having fun. No joy on their faces. No explanation whatsoever within the ad. Just children seemingly forced into labor. One scenario that kept playing over and over in my mind was Kathy Lee Gifford's almost comic indignation over the photographs of child laborers sewing her signature line of clothing.

The good news for the Peninsula? The sort of people who spend their days worrying about the plight of indigent children in the Third World probably aren't the same sort of people who stay at the Peninsula very often.

• Room Service, Anyone? [Speak Up]

Attack of the Trump Clones

Turns out bombastic, narcissistic billionaires with television ambitions aren't limited to the US. In Sunday's New York Times, Eric Dash takes a look at Trump knockoffs around the world such as Sir Alan Sugar of Britain, Tokyo Sexwale of South Africa, and Reiner Calmund of Germany. It also turns out that these foreign entrepreneurs don't have to be exact replicas of Trump -- just really close imitations. According to Fremantle, there's a nine-point checklist for casting the all-powerful Trump role... and you have to have six out of nine ticks." Naturally, Trump's signature line also has to be translated for local audiences:

"Sie haben frei!" (Germany)
"You're dismissed!" (South Africa)
"Olet vapaulettu!" (Poland)
"Efiges!" (Greece)
"Beklager, men du har sparken" (Norway)
"Voce esta demitado" (Brazil)
"You're fired!" (England)

• It's a Small Global Boardroom After All [NYT]