So. Spider-Man is back. The terminally nerdy Tobey Maguire has once again squeezed into his skinny tights, the Marvel powers-that-be have dredged up some more supervillians (The Sandman, Venom, and the other Green Goblin), and a Sony exec has spun his massive Character Actor Wheel of Casting to select Thomas Hayden Church, Topher Grace, and James Franco to play the bad guys. So far, so good.

But then things got ... weird. A few questions left hanging in my mind:

1. Since when was this a comedy franchise? Director Sam Raimi—who, admittedly, has turned out some of the most hilarious horror movies ever made—has gone for some easy laughs this time around, from Bruce Campbell playing John Cleese playing a Frenchman to J. K. Simmons playing the always apoplectic J. Jonah Jameson, a tabloid editor tormented by a ridiculously loud intercom buzzer.

2. Who spliced in a reel from Footloose? About halfway through the movie, Maguire puts on his dancing shoes and kicks off the longest, most snaptastic montage sequence in comic book movie history. Action culminates in an extended dance sequence in a jazz club during which the paunchy star—his double-chin must be the source of his new dancing powers—plays jazz piano, shouts "double time!" and jumps up on the bar to tap dance. Seriously. Stan Lee must be rolling over in his grave.

3. Why did they ... oh, nevermind. I haven't really let myself think about it, but I'm pretty sure nothing in this plot makes sense. Action hinges on more coincidences than Lost and Smallville put together. Don't try to understand why Spider-Man and Topher Grace happen to walk into the Financial District's Trinity Church on the same day at the same time. Just grab another handful of popcorn.

4. Could Sam Raimi have made it any more obvious that Spider-Man was a metaphor for America? Short of having the superhero swing by an American flag while the crowd chants his name, I mean. Oh wait, he did that. It's not gonna take a whole lot of brain power for audiences to figure out just what the plot—a superhero driven to cruelty by his own power—is a metaphor for.

5. Why am I enjoying this? Ok, I'll admit it. I liked it. Despite all critical logic, I liked it. Despite the gross affront it was to my comic-nerd heritage, I liked it. Dammit it Spider-Man, you win again.—Matt Thompson

LINKS
• The official site
• Nerds!