Go ahead, non-smoking America: ban smoking in restaurants, in bars, in all public places. Make it illegal to step outside a place and have a smoke while standing on the sidewalk or even to enjoy a cig in the privacy of one's own apartment. Use tobacco industry profits to make anti-smoking commercials that Christian teenagers think are hip. Legislate personal responsibility into obsolescence. Marginalize us. Criminalize us. The more illicit and dangerous you make our vice seem to be, the more attractive it becomes.

Someday soon, I'll light one up on a crowded metropolitan avenue. An angry crowd will form, shouting slurs. A rock will fly from the throng and strike me in the temple, bringing blood. Suddenly, a beautiful young law student will materialize before me, shielding me. She'll pull a pack of Parliaments from her purse and dare the mob to treat her likewise. They'll disperse. We'll fall in love and have 25 great years together before she dies of a heart attack while astride me. I'll have just enough time to spend her millions in tobacco-lawsuit settlement money before the cancer claims me.

Enjoy growing old, suckers.—Scott Harrell