@katiebakes: you're to blame for this, aren't you?

Oh and now you added a new tag! Will wonders never cease?!

Some friendly advice to the editorial assistant responsible for this mess - you got caught in a mistake and that's okay. What's not okay is just removing the incorrect tag, pretending it never existed, and then when you got caught AGAIN, rinsing and repeating.

Sorry, I'm enjoying this flaying too much and I know it's a bit unladylike of me but... one more thing: Saturday's show was sold out. Granted, a Saturday night Madonna show in NYC is obviously going to be sold out but given the point you're attempting to make about slow ticket sales the omission is a touch glaring.

I should say here that I'm not a particularly huge Madonna fan, but I do like Radar an awful lot and am kinda disappointed and maybe even a little horrified to see such a poorly reported item appearing here. Do better. I know you can.

Well then! Tag removed, problem solved - GOOD ONE!

Just one other thing: it's Lourdes Leon, not Lourdes Ritchie.

"the scarily skinny singer launched into into a joyless routine that left even her most ardent fans cold."

Rilly? Because the texts I was getting from the ardent fans I know who were there were of the "she is so awesome, this is so awesome" variety. They also reported that she was not at all "scary skinny" but rather that she looked great, and when I saw the photos they took from the 10th row I commented that her quads were crazy overdeveloped. I don't know how you define "scary skinny" but in my book overdeveloped quads aren't part of the equation.

Just because you want something to be true to fit some sort of narrative you've dreamed up doesn't make it so. For fuck's sake.

You know what? No. No I won't watch seven minutes of Ann Curry trying to be funny simply not no I'm just not going to. There are lines that require drawing, Balk, and this is one of them.

Oh wow, was that how nyt.com looked in '97? Is it okay that I think the design is, like, rilly great? And also yay and handflaps and goodie gumdrops I see that you've snuck an Outfit Report in here and oh how that makes this terrifying commenter's heart sing!

That's a particularly delightful photo cap.

This post has been brought to you by Evian.

Maybe Lauder just feels really, really strongly that New Yorkers have too much salt in their diets.

Dear Mayor Bloomberg,

If you haven't noticed the world is a terrible place; some of us don't possess the strength of constitution necessary to withstand the grim reality of the human condition. I'm Catholic, so suicide isn't an option for me and therefore I must be creative in my efforts to shorten my lifespan - please stop getting in the way of this important work.

Shana Tova,
Jolie

This is a totally horrifying admission but... last night when I got home I curled up in bed and watched this clip, and when Dave got to the part about how McCain just totally LIED about heading straight back to DC I thought to myself "God, more lies! This is going to bring Alex Balk so much joy."

I really need to spend a lot more time away from the Internet.

Also Campbell, that up there? That comment of mine? THAT'S HOW YOU DO FEMINIST OUTRAGE YOU NINNY. You can't scream sexism about every single thing involving a woman. You just can't. But okay, you want me to help you find the sexism here? FINE, HERE IT IS: Sarah Palin was picked for her pretty face and her Every Mom appeal, not because of her accomplishments or intelligence. There you go, get mad about that.

Also, your hair color's a bit dark, - it ages you - and no one would ever level that type of criticism at your male colleagues. You can go ahead and get mad about that too.

(OH MY GOD I AM FURIOUS AT THIS, JESUS.)

Someone should explain to Campbell (AND USE SMALL WORDS PLEASE SHE'S A WOMAN YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO CONFUSE HER) that they're not protecting Palin from the press because she's a woman but rather because she's an idiot.

Subtle difference, I know. What can I say, I'm sensitive to these things. Probably because I'm a woman. I'm going to go bake some cookies and knock myself up now.

I have this fantasy, and I'm wondering if maybe someone reading this can help me make it a reality, in which I'm at a cocktail party, one of those very swank and literary ones (IT'S A FANTASY PEOPLE) and someone introduces me to Jonathan Safran Foer. In my fantasy, I gush and carry on at length about how much I admire his work and what an honor it is to meet him before snatching at his hand and dragging him over to meet a group of my friends, to whom I will introduce him as Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

I seriously laugh RIGHT OUT LOUD every time I think about it.

Oh golly, do I ever love that sweet little Matt Taibbi - so sue me for finding "insanely classist" sexy.

sailor, I submit that the spectacle of the burger on the floor incident only strengthens my cause. A TAG FOR THE HOFF '08!

Bam Margera gets a tag and The Hoff does not? IS THERE NO JUSTICE LEFT IN THIS WORLD, NEEL SHAH?

Oh Papa why?!? You knew I'd look, you knew, you knew!! WHY PAPA MAKE THE BAD LADY FEET STOP!!

Ah, I do so love a petty victory.

If McCain dies Cindy becomes president?!?! THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVER!

Oh wow, that was great. Like, rilly, rilly great.

Oddly, I'm craving a cigarette. And do you think we could cuddle for just a little bit?

Ugh. Wake me out of my alcoholic coma when it's time for the debates please.

"If you shake it, your songs shuffle" might be the worst feature ever - ummm, have any of these assholes ever ridden a subway in their lives?

Oh well done on the tags. Very, very well done.

Wait, what? Someone is saying that? Ummmm - you could SEE THE TELEPROMPTER the whole time, at least on NBC. Good grief, does everyone just lie all the time now about everything? Is every day opposite day in 2008? Did I miss that fucking memo?

This is in addition to the Pat Kiernan Outfit Report, yes? Please say yes. Please? I mean, you took away my daily dose of cute animal video and whatever FINE because you gave me the Pat Kiernan Outfit Report and that's so so so much more soul-quenching but NO NOW YOU CANNOT STOP NO NOT FAIR.

My plastic surgery-obsessed roommate keeps insisting that she looks good. I thank you from the bottom of my cold, black heart for providing irrefutable evidence that she does not.

At this rate I'm not going to make it until Fall because I WILL BE DEAD FROM THE CUTENESS BY LABOR DAY. Oh God. Wiener dogs. Racing. Taking themselves so utterly seriously and being so completely hilariously mockable. They are me in dog form. I love them.

(weeping from joy)

I'll send a case of exclamation points on over to compliment Karen's delivery of Pepto (and damn it, Karen, stop sending the best gifts.)

That video is so cute it just cured two days worth of hangover.

Papa my * isn't under the tree! You promised me a * for Christmas!! YOU PROMISED!!

And once again my people fill me with that particular self-loathing only other scrawny, clumsy, spectacle-wearing Indian kids can understand. Ima go hang myself with my sari, nice knowing you all.

AWWWWWWW!!!

Oh and the moms cackling in the background? BEST PART TOTALLY.

I have to disagree with you: I live with the most wonderful gay man: He's handsome, fit, charming, hilarious, he cooks for me, takes care of his own laundry and mixes incredible cocktails. They're out there!

Unfortunately, I'm a straight woman.

Ahem. Gymnasts, Balk. Oh, the gymnasts...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just... love you so much I can't even with you right now.

Oh that's okay - you've made up for it by seemingly knowing exactly to what I was referring.

I so wish the headline read "...bigger pile of shredded wheat than we thought."

OMG ME TOO!! But please don't tell anyone because I've managed to convince the Internet that I'm his biggest fan and I don't want to ruin a good thing.

Balk. Don't lie to me, I know you too well for that (and oh my I don't even know you at all HOW DOES THAT WORK!?!). You just wanted to up your post quota and page views with less effort.

I'm confused though, both Sifts seemed about the same as always, 3 items to start and then 3 or 4 more after the jump.

No no, I don't hate them (I COULD NEVER HATE ANYTHING YOU DO! Oh wait, no, that's not true at all, now is it?) - I just thought it was funny you posted two of them today. But I'm not watching a six minute video, no matter how great you say it is.

They should be glad the reporter didn't write about all the catfight-y, cunty, bitchy posts that were written in the wake of BlogHer. "SHE WASN'T NICE TO ME!" "I WASN'T INVITED TO THE COOL KIDS PARTY!" Ugh. Just, ugh.

Jesus fuck - two Morning Sifts and a SIX MINUTE video? You're really asking for a lot from us today.

Well, to be fair, boarding school in general is perverted.

It's a chance I think we're all willing to take. Hey, and while you're at it toss up a clip of a two-headed monkey and see if you can take Cheney down too (come on, you thought I'd miss an opportunity to promote the simian cause?)

Dear Cape Cod,

Why do you keep giving people brain tumors?

Curiously,
jolie

Both Gawker and Esquire have included monkeys in posts today. Monkeys. THEY ARE CLEARLY WHAT PEOPLE DEMAND, BERNICE.

(erm, with YOUR MIDDLING. More coffee now please thank you!)

Of course she'll continue the arc. Pish! The next step is to appear on Oprah in a Gouldian fuck you (and as a fuck you to Gould, "HA! I SCORED OPRAH SUCK IT WITH YOU MIDDLING NYT MAG PIECE!") weeping about how oversharing on the internet ruined her life, only to come home and oversharily blog about her experience on Oprah, at which point Oprah will become enraged that Julia referred to her & Gayle as Laurel & Hardy and OPRAH WILL EAT HER.

Because in the end, Oprah will save us all.

@Balk: Christ. Why? Why do you make me do these things? Fine.

SPANK THE MONKEY.

Yeah, I mean... I guess it's sorta cute. But you know what would be cuter? (YOU KNOW, I KNOW YOU KNOW!) Sleeping monkeys!

@katiebakes: (passing bottle of bourbon)

It's embarrassing to come in here, day after day, hand-flapping and carrying on about how deep my ChoireLove runs but yeah... it's all I've got.

sniffle, sniffle.

Will you judge me harshly if I tell you that I read this item and thought you were talking about Gossip Girl? And will you judge me even more harshly if I tell you that I pretty much can't keep them straight?

My heart does these very elaborate backflips whenever I hear a reference to EST.

Moe AND newtojezebel?!?! Oh Balk, you are good to us.

@MOMH: KarenUhOh is breathing into a paper bag right now.

I don't think I've ever actually panted over a movie review before. My, my, my...

I'll know it's really all over and start packing up for the afterlife ("Don't forget the good china, honey!") when there's a Facebook group for people who refuse to join Facebook.

@carney: while I surreptitiously send a photograph of your studded leather belt to my tumblelog. T-U-M-B-L-E-L-O-G, BALK. (Hm. I'm scream-y today, aren't I?)

Bonbon don't talk about Daddy like that.

sigh. Balk.

"Without" is one word. JESUS.

(LOVE YA KISS KISS!)

Oh good heavens - this is delicious! Bon voyage, Papa!

(Balk, my darling, you pulled the trigger on the /b too early on Egan.) (And don't even think of coming back at me with a /strong. Or I'll, um, send you an insane email?)

Um yeah. I'm ancient and learned HTML before the font tag was deprecated. THANKS FOR POINTING IT OUT FOR EVERYONE.

/font

@Balk: It was a reference to The Sopranos. Don't make me stand outside your office with a boombox blasting "Don't Stop Believing" pallie. !

Good morning! Happy to see everyone here, but please - mind the rules, only one exclamation point per comment. This is for your safety; our gamekeeper, he's a malignant bastard.

(But I won't because, oh man - this is boring!)

(Does Radar go to a second page once a post hits a certain number of comments?)(!)(!)(OOOPS THAT WAS AGAINST THE RULES!)(SHIT DID IT AGAIN!)(AND AGAIN!)(I COULD KEEP THIS UP ALL NIGHT!)

!

!

!

!

(Have I made you insane yet?)(!)

!

(God damn this site is slow. Refresh, refresh, refresh. !.)

!

!

!

!

Oh Christ, you know what I have to do here, right? Here we go, Balk. Brace yourself.

Is this where I'm supposed to storm around and scream and hurl exclamation points and talk about how I have tits and like bourbon? Is is? Ah good, I've made it to the right place - boy, am I ever embarrassed about what just happened over at RAP Realtime Weather.

Also, who's gonna start the guessing game of which editor belongs to which dream?

I dream about Balk ALL THE DAMN TIME. And never the good kind! But here's the crazy thing - in my dreams he always has astonishingly fantastic hair. One time he had golden brown curly locks tied back in a messy ponytail. Another time he had long magenta cornrows flecked with gold tinsel.

Yeah, I dunno either.

Please never leave Radar, Papa.

And God bless you! CLAP CLAP CLAP.

I love this - Choire, you're so good!

Balk, if you're ever dazed and confused after being hit with a tranquilizer dart and in danger of drowning either in your own sweat or your bottle of bourbon I promise I'll risk life and limb and hair bow to save you. SUCH IS MY DEVOTION.

Hippity, what message?

God I love me a good blog war. There's this crazy blogger in Boston (HI NOT ME DON'T EVEN SAY IT) who every year goes nuts on BlogHer and the women who attend. It's incredible.

And! What of the orphaned monkeys, roaming the city in search of scraps and pimping themselves out to any hobo with an accordion just for a little nibble of banana?! WHO WILL SAVE THEM?!

Krustina, I really don't want us to have a problem.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT WORKED IT WORKED MONKEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait! You forgot the famous bears versus monkeys Radar feud that's happening right now and really I will keep this going all through your vacation Balk and you'll be lying on the beach, sweating and cursing the glare of the sun in a cloudless sky off the white sand drinking some sort of blue beverage (I take you for a blue beverage man, Balk, and I bet you put the paper umbrella behind your ear after two or three drinks and maybe you giggle a little and comment quietly to yourself about how fetching you are!) and thinking to yourself "Fuck [sorry, can I swear here?], I just know that my Biggest Fan, jolie, who I really do love and adore so much even though she drives me to the brink of insanity nearly every day of my miserable existence from wondering 'Why? Why me? Why did she decide I was a worthy object of her obsession?' [ed. - I ask myself this every day], is type-type-typing something about monkeys and DAMN IT WHY CAN'T I EVER GET A BREAK?!?"

@moneycashhos: I bet monkey coverage would drive a lot of traffic. You should suggest it to Balk, who I hear has a MAGNIFICENT HEAD OF HAIR AND IS A KIND AND GRACIOUS LEADER LOVED AND RESPECTED BY ALL WHO TOIL UNDER HIM.

Karen, thank you for playing my reindeer games. Are you in need of a biggest fan by any chance? I have oodles of experience and come highly recommended (BALK! PLEASE HIGHLY RECOMMEND ME THANK YOU AND MONKEYS PLEASE THANK YOU DON'T WORRY EVEN IF I GET THE KARENUHOH'S BIGGEST FAN GIG I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU AND I WILL NOT LET MY NEW JOB GET IN THE WAY OF MY SERVICE TO YOU.)

I bet he's gonna buy a FLYING CAR!! And maybe a FLYING MONKEY! (Come on please please please monkeys please make Choire do it I can keep this up all day and you know it Balk.)

Can Choire post about monkeys next please please oh please I'll never send you an insane email again please please I'm totally lying I would never deprive you of the joy of getting my insane emails but I promise I'll be your biggest fan oh wait I already am but still yes please on the monkeys thanks Balk!

Hm. This is interesting because according to *my* source there was quite a bit of activity in the meat rack Saturday afternoon.

alt. titles: "And My Cock said... suck." "And the heart said... bypass."

WAIT I TAKE IT ALL BACK! BALK YOU FUCKER - LAY OFF OF LIZ!!! (No but really, someone should totally give you a blowjob anyway.)

Someone please give this man a blowjob!

I have the most pronounced Pavlovian hiss-and-claw reaction every time I read the words "The majority opinion, written by Justice Antonin Scalia"

Choire writing about Doree and being edited by Balk and quoting Gawker?!?! IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS IN JULY! (Wait. Is it July yet?)

Oh Balk, do you do this to hurt me?

How utterly vile.

Yeah but he also called the Pope by the wrong name, which - the last time I did that - resulted in me getting booted out of bed.

Karion, what if we were to storm the Radar offices, chain Choire and Balk to their desks (with a carton of cigarettes & a lighter each. I'm thoughtful like that.), padlock the doors and throw the keys in the East River? Then they'd just HAVE TO KEEP BLOGGING ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY! MERRIMENT ACROSS THE LAND!!

Also, I cannot get the phrase "Hulk cock" out of my head. It's just rattling around in there, careening into all the exclamation points that dwell between my ears and leaping back in horror as it shouts "I'M NOT GAY, GET OFF ME." So thanks for that, Balk!

Um, sorry but I'm confused. How does she not know the the Hulk's pants are purple? Does she not have eyes?

"and why do you live there anyway, gay?"

Sublime, pet. Just... lyrical.

"And he's SUCH a pain in the ass to work with."

Women the country over are weeping; gay men everywhere rejoice.

@KarenUhOh: SHHHHH YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO TELL!

Um, you still answer the phone? You're an olden person, Balk.

@karion: Pass the collection plate my way, sister.

I can't be the only one who watched that video and screamed "HARDER WIND! BLOW HARDER!!!" right?

@balk: thanks - sorry I didn't email it (I dislike being correct-y in comments) but I'm still adjusting to this (really lovely!) new home and forgot my manners!

I clearly did not, however, forget how to shift/1!!!!!!!!

oh no - the vest is so so so bad but also? HE'S PAIRED IT WITH JEANS. please, my fellow americans, just say no to denim-on-denim.

karion! um, you've managed to sum up my entire approach to dating in one pithy comment. it's working out well for me the following and puppying and whatnot, thanks for asking!

balk, I have a question - was this "FRIEND: i think you're once again generalizing wildly based on your own experience" asked by RADAR or FRIEND. jolie = confused. (often - yes I know.) (also, does HTML work in this joint?)

it's true. I'm sorry about it, but yeah. I've been listening to "these arms of mine" all day, wailing something about walking out of this room and being scared of everything and oddly there's a watermelon that I keep carrying everywhere.