• Leave it to Us: TV's Dr. McLady, Ellen Pompeo, got engaged Friday to her longtime boyfriend. What actually makes this story significant: Us Weekly got the scoop, not People—probably because the couple isn't breaking up, birthing out, or gaying off. They're not even fighting on the set with gays.
• Out wacko'd: Michael Jackson has a transvestite stalker, Melanie, who has reportedly sent him 100 lewd letters a day and asked for his hand in marriage.
• A Lott-a 'splainin' to do: Modern Dixiecrat Trent Lott announced that he will be running for Senate minority whip. Minority whip? That's an interesting position to run for, granted his onetime alignment with a white supremacist group and his pre-1950s worldview regarding racism.
• A right-wing cornucopia: Tying every hotbed issue together, "[a] Republican-led legislative panel says in a new report on illegal immigration that abortion is partly to blame because it is causing a shortage of American workers." Next, they're going to try to tell us that the freedom fight in Iraq isn't yet Mission: Accomplished because of gay marriage.