• A dish best served cold: Gary Condit is still trying to sue Vanity Fair's answer to Matlock, Dominick Dunne, for implying the former Congressman (D-CA) may know more than he's saying about the murder of his intern, Chandra Levy. According to reports, Condit has been living out his scandal afterlife scooping ice cream at a Baskin-Robbins franchise his family owns in Arizona—that is, until the ice cream company sued him for not making payments.
• Don't believe the hypothetical: Larry King interviewed Ron Goldman's surviving family members, who were none-too-happy about O.J.'s thought-provoking essay and TV special on how he would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron—if only he'd had the chance. (Thanks for nothing, still-at-large killers!) Said Goldman's father, "Shun the book, shun the show, send a message loud and clear."
• Grumpy old man: John Murtha the Coward argued with Hardball-er Chris Matthews, railing against the cable-news culture of creating television out of nothing. On Democratic Party Madame Nancy Pelosi's endorsement of him, Murtha fumed, "[I]t is total crap that we have to deal with an issue like this when we've got a war going on and we got all these other issues. $8 billion a month we're spending..." Next up, a Quaker Oats endorsement?
• A show-stopping non-performance: Michael Jackson's supposed comeback at the World Music Awards barely made a peep. The once (and future?) King of Pop uttered a few lines from "We are the World" and scarcely managed to dangle a kid out a window.
• Early-bird special '08 announcement: Coming as a surprise to nobody, 70-year-old John McCain will again stump for president. It'll be a filthy race, one fraught with Rove-like land mines, but you can be certain he will neither cut nor run.