• Xenu made me do it: Neighbors claim that John Travolta's treatment of his autistic son constitutes child abuse.
• Presidential branding: Hillary="competence", Barack="celebrity," and a rundown of how the other '08 presidential candidates' names translate in terms of product branding, according to marketing experts and product naming blog NameWire.
• Last tango: Paris Hilton probably will not serve her full sentence.
• Goosebumps: Is this the face of Mother Teresa on Melanie Griffith's knee?
• Scared straight: Paris's prison pals have a head start on the big house shenanigans—they've already left death threats on her MySpace profile.
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