• Return date expired?: Apple reveals a new iPod with touch-screen and WiFi, making all those who've recently purchased iPods feel like schmucks. Steve Jobs calls his new baby "one of the seven wonders of the world."
• Calm down, America!: The Air Force says that last week's little mistake, in which a B-52 accidentally flew over the U.S. with nuclear warheads, did not pose a threat to public safety.
• To poach politicos: Obama wrangles former Clinton aides to help with his foreign policy inexperience—and to piss her off.
• Jude-icious beatdown: Pretty boy paparazzi-hater Jude Law attacks a photographer in London, calls the man a "pedophile," skips away on bail.
• Legal pitbull wanted: Leona Helmsley's newly minted Maltese pup Trouble needs a good lawyer to help collect its $12 million inheritance, according to a "pet trust specialist."
• Carcinogenic kernels: Reports of buttered popcorn causing lung cancer help take focus away from cigarettes and an ever-present toxic 9/11 cloud.