• Death Watch!: After she was prematurely discharged from her stint in the psych ward, Britney "Miss American Dream" Spears' parents say they are "extremely disappointed" and believe that her life may be at risk. Bet that Dr. Phil's looking pretty good right now.
• Olfactory offense: After a particularly sensitive-nosed government worker smelled the ganja on his tax payment, an Oregon man was sentenced to 16 months in prison and made to forfeit $65,000 in hard-earned drug money. If there were ever a better argument for electronic bill-pay—or blow—we've never heard it.
• Wine-o no show: Sotted songbird Amy Winehouse was denied a U.S. visa today, quashing any hopes that she'll appear at the Grammy's this Sunday to perform or collect any of her six potential awards.
• Mein Tatowier: German scientists are experimenting with new "DNA vaccines" that are delivered via vibrating tattoo needles. That's right: Germans want to alter your DNA and give you tattoos—but, you know, in a good way.