• Rocky loses to Apollo, you know?: After numerous campaign trail cheese steaks, Hillary Clinton feels just like Rocky Balboa. Delegate leader Barack Obama doesn't really care.
• Learn from their mistakes: Attention, burglars! When you go and do something genius like using Craigslist to cover your burglar-tracks, do it from a library computer or something.
• Big question: Fuel prices are skyrocketing, oil companies are raking in dozen-digit profits, and even Congress doesn't know why a gallon of gas costs so damn much.
• Green games: In the latest attempt to capitalize on the eco-friendly phenomenon, rapper/actor Ludacris and drummer Tommy Lee are teaming up for a "green" reality show.
• Remainders: Don't all child prodigies out of Oxford University become prostitutes of some variety?
• More funds for guns: Just like the plans for the war in Iraq, new military weapons systems are costing too much, taking too long to produce, and continuously failing to do much good.
• Deathly decoration: Military patches with grim reapers, flaming skulls, and extraterrestrials with a penchant for human flesh—they're just all part of an effort to build team spirit among the troops. Oh, and they are sick looking!