• Tights and lobotomies: Obama, McCain, and Clinton tape segments to air during tonight's WWE Raw wrestling program, which could just as well serve as the next debate platform, too.
• City of biased love: Philly gays love the Clintons after Chelsea's beer crawl but seem to think that Obama will die of syphilis in approximately 1,536 days.
• Mean girls: Miss South Carolina Ashley Zais is hired to boss around John McCain's interns.
• Wright wings it: Obama's former pastor, Jeremiah Wright, will air his mouth to Bill Moyers this Friday.
• Snow job: Tony Snow is joining CNN as a political contributor, because if you're going to open up your gates for a Trojan horse invasion of Bush flunkies, might as be brazen about it and hire his former mouthpiece?
• Hot sects: Jesus Christ. First Christians get their Bibles into your hotel room drawers, now they want to take your porn—Focus on the Family is lobbying Marriott to ditch skin flicks in its rooms.