• Marry Carey: They were. They weren't. It was someone else. Now it's pretty much kinda confirmed by family members that Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey married on April 30 on the Bahamian island of Eleuthera. (Let's hope there's no resulting Eleuthera infection. Yowch!)
• Royally busted: Ian Strachan, "a 'Walter Mitty' type," and Sean McGuigan, a recovering alcoholic, have been convicted and sentenced to five years in jail each for trying to extort the royal family member Radar first identified as Viscount David Linley in a coke and gay sex scandal.
• Giant concern: Is Obama poster and sticker designer and Andre the Giantist Shepard Fairey losing his sight to diabetes? Can he make up a bunch of stencils in advance to tide us over?
• Rebel couture: No longer content to sport the latest nu rave wear from Cassette Playa, rapper M.I.A. has created a line of hipster-friendly clothes that are so bright that "if someone steals it, you can see it from miles away and you can be like, 'Oy! Give me my shirt back!'"
• The graduates: The inventively named High School Musical 3 debuts on the big screen this October. The world waits with bated breath for news of Community College Musical.
• Subway idol: Here's a Paula Abdul fallback. The NYC Metropolitan Transit Authority is having its own American Idol-esque competition. Contestants are vying for a chance to sing at some of the transit system's most popular and sought-after venues, like Coney Island.
• Happiness is a K-hole: Scientists have discovered that club drug/horse tranquilizer Ketamine could be useful in treating depression. That and Sasha's remix of "Ray of Light."
• Uma's bad date: Quivering on the witness stand, Uma Thurman says she was "completely freaked out" by the the accused stalker who allegedly tried twice to sneak into her trailer on film sets and sent her a note with a picture of a decapitated bride and the message: "My hands should be on your body at all times."