This week, the child-porn trial of R&B auteur R. Kelly caught an unpleasant case of blue balls. Key witness Lisa Van Allen was never actually called to the stand as expected, so everyone speculated about what she was supposed to say: She had an ongoing love affair with Kelly and at one point participated in a ménage a trois with the girl said to be in the video. Swear! The woman plans to come forward and say that she, too, had sex with a minor. (Juries and judges love this shit!) Also, they videotaped it, though the tape is nowhere to be found and not to be discussed. Hearsay all, of course. Other than the fact that R. Kelly's life is potentially stranger than his videos, what did we learn, if anything?