• Free-dom man: Ron Paul has formally abandoned his campaign for the Republican nomination, announcing a new "Campaign for Liberty" to satiate his rabid supporters. "Freedom is very popular. Not only is freedom popular, freedom works," he told hundreds of his loons in Texas.
• Hush, hush: Some dude is suing Jay-Z for $88 million claiming that Jigga Man stole a technique he created called "whisper rapping," or what the rest of us know as "rapping in an inside voice."
• Idiocracy: Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) compares Republicans to the Amy Winehouse ditty "Rehab,": "Democrats say, 'Let's legislate,' and [Republicans] just say, 'No, no no.'" Not to be out-popped, a Republican aide likens Dems to Britney Spears: "They are not quite what they used to be, but some people who don't know them still think they look pretty good, and in the end, it is awfully difficult not to question their decision making." You're in good hands, America!
• Office giant: Human Giant Aziz Ansari is the first cast member hired to fill the cubicles of NBC's spinoff of The Office.
PLEASE SIR, MAY I HAVE SOME MORE: Cell phone addicts; fat Japanese; and Jolie vs. Aniston!