• Poll position: John McCain continues to trail rival Barack Obama in polls; volunteer Obama staffers trying to change that.
• Beverly Hills Cock: Scary Spice plots her post-natal revenge in song against her ex, Eddie Murphy. Murphy already starred in Norbit and spent many unnerving nights in bed with Scary ... this song can't possible faze him.
• Fashion vampire: PR headmistress and Lauren Conrad "antagonist" Kelly Cutrone wears black, appears pale, eats raw(ish) meat, and is way too rad to be on the Hills.
• Lemonade Bandit: Twelve-year-old refreshment entrepreneur was robbed of $17.50! The culprit was said to be a "big mean poopyhead."
• Godwin's Law, Sport Edition: ESPN columnist Jemele Hill is suspended after saying that rooting for the Celtics is "saying Hitler was a victim." Seriously, what is it with this network?
• Bad hair day: A woman arrested in Norway redefines the term coke-head.