• Better, stronger: Kanye West responds to those Bonnaroo hippies who hated upon him. Dude is "typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!"
• Brah fight: A Malibu surfer/paparazzi brawl is set for next Saturday in honor of Matthew McConaughey. Now do you believe us about how this country is getting stupider by the minute?
• Insane at any speed: Noted ethnologist Ralph Nader accuses Senator Barack Obama of "talking white" and appealing to "white guilt." You know, most folks would be satisfied with just being responsible for the election of one of the worst presidents in history; God love Ralph, he's not gonna stop until he eradicates whatever little bit of respectability is left of his legacy.
• Car trouble: Madison, Wisconsin, seeks to ban drive-thrus in fear that idling cars lead to global warming. Next up: stoplights and traffic jams.
• Naked as a jailbird: He "appeared rational, except for being naked," says Georgia police officer about Bill Merit, 49, who, minutes after being released from prison, was arrested again for walking naked on the side of the road.
• Spray-on safe sex: The Germans have invented a spray-on latex condom that dries after 25 seconds. Flavors: Gummi bear, wurst, and Hasselhoff.