• Tears of a clown: After squabbling with Whoopi Goldberg over whether it's ever okay to drop the n-bomb, Elisabeth Hasselbeck did what any sensible white girl would do when menaced by an outspoken black lady: she cried.
• We would do the same thing to avoid spending time in Ohio: "Convicted fire fiend Peter Braunstein, who got an extra 23 years in prison today courtesy of Ohio authorities, vowed he'll never serve out the sentence because he plans to 'orchestrate my own murder' while behind bars." Knock yourself out, Pete!