The Refreshing Taste of Star Jones

by Remy Stern with Derek de Koff and Danielle Stein

Water, sweet water. Delicious and refreshing. But do you ever take a sip and wish someone would kick it up a notch? Inspired by the Donald (Trump Ice) and 50 Cent (Formula 50), we created four bottled waters and hit Times Square posing as market researchers. More than 50 passersby sampled each water, ranked them from 1 to 10, and argued about the merits of Paris H₂O versus Star Mist. Their perceptions of each varied widely. Which was strange, because they were all drinking Poland Spring.

Paris H₂O "That’s Cold!"
Score: 7.2 "This is tasteless," said one woman, grimacing. Generally, though, Paris's brand topped the other, uglier bottles by a wide margin. Middle-aged men were most enthusiastic. "Tastes sexy," said a garbage man who leaped off his truck to try our samples. Others delighted in the light yet rich flavor of the heiress's H₂O. "This tastes very rich indeed," said an Orthodox Jew. "Um, would you mind pouring me a Paris and Ricky blend for the road?"

Giambi Juice "Power Away Your Thirst"
Score: 6.1 "It tastes like something's in there!" cried one visibly neurotic mother. "There's a very strange aftertaste." Though most people found the flavor "bold" and "energetic" ("It's so strong it actually made my thirst go away," said one fan), most tasters were deeply suspicious ("Is that steroids?"). "I feel as though I'm drinking Jason Giambi's sweat," said one woman, her eyes twinkling. Mmm…delicious.

Ricky Martin, The Water "El Agua Loca!"
Score: 6.0 The consensus: Ricky Martin tasted sweeter than the others -- not that there's anything wrong with that. "He tastes so good," one young man moaned. Others weren't so keen. "Too fruity!" barked an older man. A taster with a "sensitive palate" said that El Agua Loca! reminded him of "the montanas of Puerto Rico." Which may be the first time Maine water has made someone homesick for the Caribbean. But who can know for sure?

Star Mist "Spring Water from America's #1 TV Host"
Score: 5.4 Stick to TV, Star. The cohost of The View came in dead last, with tasters complaining of a "syrupy," "heavy" taste. "Exactly how many calories are in this?" one woman asked. "It tastes too full-bodied," said another. "Did some lead from the pipes get in here?" growled a third tester, who spat his sample back into his cup. "This tastes toxic. I hate Star Jones." No, my friend. You hate Poland Spring.