(continued)

DANGEROUS BEAUTY Arnett begins to rethink this photo shoot (Photo: Robert Trachtenberg)

Jeffrey Tambor and Michael Cera.
I've never heard of either of them. They were on the show?

I can say whatever the fuck I want about blind people, they're not going to read this shit!Supposedly. And both of them have alluded to talks about an Arrested Development movie. Is that still going on? Is that realistic?
Talks are ongoing. Talks, it should be noted, are informal, out-of-the-blue phone calls between the cast and Mitch. Like, a month ago, I had dinner with David [Cross] and Jason [Bateman] in L.A. and we were kinda talking about it. Then Jason and I each called Mitch the next day. I think it's something that all of us would really like to do because it would be so fun to get back together and play those characters. But there are a lot of little details that have to be resolved, like who would make it, where, how, and why.

You and Amy did a rather ubiquitous Gap ad together. Is it weird seeing your face all over the city like that?
Yes. It's kind of peculiar. The first time I saw it, I was in Los Angeles driving on Sunset and they were halfway done putting it up. It was my full head and half of Amy's face, which I thought was fine. Just leave it like that. They got the money shot. Another thing is when people say, "Hey, I love your Gap ad!" You don't know what to say. Thanks? 'Cause I didn't really do anything, you know what I mean?

I'm sure you and Amy spent a lot of time thinking about and discussing your personal vision for the ad.
The different faces. We go to our book. We keep a book at home called Faces; it's just a huge book of Polaroids and they're all numbered. Different expressions and looks and stuff, and when we're working on a movie or a photo shoot or whatever, you might just go to the book first thing in the morning, like, "Okay, what am I gonna do?" A 17. This might call for a 69. It's a good day when I can drop 69 in legitimate convo. [His cell phone rings.]

What is that, the Benny Hill theme?
Yeah. I can't lie, I totally stole this idea. I was having dinner with my friend Zach Galifianakis, a comedian, and that tough-guy actor Ray Winstone [of Sexy Beast] was sitting behind us. We were both fawning, looking at him doe-eyed. Then his phone went off and it was Benny Hill, and we both lost it.

You know there's a YouTube video of a guy playing the Benny Hill theme with only hand-farts.
No way. Could you imagine getting the hand-fart Benny Hill theme on the phone? Let me take that back to the workshop. See what the gang can come up with. I'm always working with a team of scientists on something. Just trying to save the planet.

And you think the hand-fart Benny Hill theme might help?
Who knows? I don't know. I'm not a genius. Is now the time when we do the rapid-fire section? When you ask me for rapid-fire one-word answers?

Um, I don't have one planned.

COUCHED Arnett in repose

Yes.
When's the next staff meeting? What are we talking, tomorrow morning?

Tomorrow afternoon.
Do you have a lawyer?

Not yet.
Look. I am technically not a lawyer, but I do own a suit. I'm going to come in with you. This is intellectual property bullshit and I don't want to bore you. I won't confuse you with the intricacies of all this. But you're going to pitch them a rapid-fire section. One-word answers only. That's it.

Rapid-fire with Will Arnett?
No, the idea's all yours. It'll be in the contract. We're gonna take Gaydar to the cleaners on this one. I should've asked you that first: Do you like money? Answer me, man. Rapid-fire. Yes or no.

Yes.
That's a good answer. [Points at a man with a cane.] That guy's not really blind! And I can say whatever the fuck I want about blind people, they're not going to read this shit! Fucking hell, man. I had a guy the other day ... I was eating in a restaurant, and no joke, I felt this tap on the heel of my shoe. I whipped around to really give whoever did it an earful, and it turned out to be a blind guy.

So what did you do?
What could I? I can't fight him! What do I want, a lawsuit? I'm not going to take my empire down that I built up. I spent years on this career, man.