Help Wanting
(continued)
(Photo: Diane Diederich)
26. "Is that a picture of your family? Your wife's uterus must be totally blown out."
27. "I guess you could say I'm sort of a professional whistle-blower."
28. "What you can't get just from reading my résumé is all the stuff I deliberately omitted."
29. "See this? It's a forked tongue. Deal with it."
30. "I'm not big on couches. Cool if I cop a squat?"
31. "Can't we just enjoy a comfortable silence?"
[Answering cell.] "Sorry, gotta grab this. Could be ...
(32) a job
(33) my rabbi
(34) my mom."
35. "Let's try that again, and this time shake my hand like you've got a pair."
36. "Why, yes, it is a fake beard."
37. "If you Google me, just be warned that there's a sexual predator who happens to share my name and Facebook page."
38. "Allow me to answer that with a tambourine solo."
39. "Does this dyke tattoo on my forehead conform with your dress code?"
40. "Wow. The Valium just kicked in."
41. "I just need to make enough money not to hate myself for selling out."
42. "The crab rangoon is for both of us, you know."
43. "Is that sore on my forehead still running?"
44. "You're not going to make me take one of those fucking anger management seminars, are you?"
45. "Is this a Christian workplace, or am I going to have my work cut out for me?"
46. "I have one word for you: Mensa."
47. "I'd like to apologize for all the projectile vomiting you're about to experience."
48. "Sure, I value a diverse workplace. Your kind deserves a leg up."
49. "I don't have a last name or address for my last boss, but I do have his beeper number."
50. "It's called a waggle dance, and it's my way of saying, 'Make me your worker bee.'" |
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