Act Natural
(continued)
89. Changing gang colors to green
51. Posting book reviews on Amazon instead of tossing thousands of leaflets out our car window.
52. Giving Captain Planet another shot.
53. Shopping at Whole Foods or whatever.
54. Bypassing wasteful containers and insisting Frappuccino be pumped directly into esophagus.
55. Replacing Christmas tree with mound of freshly shorn grass from highway median.
56. Switching from spray to roll-on tan.
57. Slitting gills into chest just in case underwater adaptation becomes necessary.
58. Changing e-mail signature to include a
photograph of a smiling penguin.
59. Having anonymous sex in the back of the library instead of in one of those big chain bookstores.
60. Decreasing junk mail by living under bridge.
61. Running all marathons dressed as Mother Earth.
62. No longer using the 18-wheel rig to run errands.
63. Reducing the size of giant novelty checks by 10 percent.
64. Building McMansion that will biodegrade in two months.
65. Getting the Guardian Angels involved.
66. Only half-drying pets in the microwave.
67. Humoring solar panel salesman.
68. Not paying bills online instead of not paying bills on paper.
69. Eating less porpoise.
70. Instead of throwing away old antifreeze, letting the next tenants worry about it.
71. Introducing some "biodiversity" to the bedroom.
72. Restricting leaf-blowing to Saturday and Sunday mornings, from 6 to 8 a.m.
73. Kissing Leonardo DiCaprio's ass more.
74. Eating that last McNugget, even if it fucking kills us.
75. Canceling son's bar mitzvah reception on oil platform.
76. Donating broken cell phones and pagers to kids who wouldn't otherwise have a Christmas.
77. Encouraging people to use biofuels; pretending we're deaf when asked what they are.
78. Switching to cloth adult diapers.
79. Responding to news of latest coal miner tragedy with complete lack of empathy.
80. Murdering drifters in pairs to conserve trash bags.
81. Urging condo association to ratify Kyoto treaty.
82. Instead of golf carts, switching to Korean/Chinese caddy hybrid.
83. Saying "I've seen Who Killed the Electric Car 68 times," and then saying, "Yes, I'm deadly serious."
84. Taking up residence in neighbor's tree until he agrees to start recycling.
85. Modifying car's engine to run on rocking power of U2.
86. Using disco ball only during sex.
87. Same thing we're doing about the war on terrorism: writing a very impassioned blog post.
88. Cutting down on own personal "greenhouse gas emissions" with Beano.
89. Changing gang colors to green.
90. Holding bong hits in lungs for additional 15 seconds.
91. Instead of broiling steak, wrapping it in warm scarf.
92. Eliminating personal environmental impact by putting self in chemically induced coma.
93. Recycling 15 years' worth of "How to Recycle" pamphlets.
94. Replacing electric chair with good old-fashioned guillotine.
95. No longer melting polar ice caps with our sizzling hot freakdancing.
96. Demanding frightened illegal immigrant at car wash describe how water is treated and recycled.
97. Establishing "Tofu Tuesdays" in prison commissary.
98. Taking only two 30-minute showers per day.
99. Old paint cans = new shoes.
100. Lowering thermostat two degrees—are you happy now, Planet Earth? |
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This article is from the February issue of Radar Magazine. For a risk-free issue, click here
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