A few Secret Santa gift ideas you might want to reconsider

1. A partially stamped Subway “Sub Club” card

2. A litter of feral cats

3. A postcard that reads, “On vacation in Bahamas. Will send gift from airport.”

4. A replica lightsaber, “Because I saw how you were eyeing mine.”

5. One free oboe lesson

6. That beige cardigan the receptionist used to wear before she died

7. $500 cash in a paper sack

8. A Google Earth shot of the recipient’s childhood home

9. A soap dispenser, freshly ripped from the men’s room wall

10. A book of solved New York Times crossword puzzles, with the answers whited out

11. A pack of gold paper plates that reads, "It’s Joshua’s bar mitzvah!”

12. A nacho cheese–scented candle

13. Thong panties stamped with your corporate logo

14. “Most Enthusiastic Archer, Camp Seagull 1983” trophy

15. A framed black-and-white photo of your father and his ’Nam buddies, posing with a dead Charlie

16. A video of you playing air guitar to “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”

17. A firm handshake and a sincere “Happy holidays”

18. A tank top with the word “wench” written in puffy paint across the front

19. A detailed map of local bomb shelters

20. A $100 donation, in the recipient’s name, to your daughter’s college fund

21. A Swiss Miss cocoa packet you’ve stuffed with marshmallows picked from other Swiss Miss cocoa packets

22. Your old bedspread from college

23. The key chain floatie that came with your Nautica jacket

24. A Christmas wreath fashioned out of Equal packets

25. A jarful of sand from your recent Jersey Shore vacation

26. A “Diversity Training Day ’03” mouse pad

27. A hardcover edition of We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families: Stories From Rwanda, by Philip Gourevitch, with the inscription: “Just as long as they kill the in-laws too, right?! Have a great Christmas!”

28–32. One ... (28) corn holder; (29) earplug; (30) antique chopstick; (31) ski pole; (32) defibrillator paddle

33. A 1991 Nissan Stanza with 216,000 miles and no tires

34. An answering machine message from Andy Rooney condemning microwave ovens

35. “Absolutely nothing, since I worked for what I have and believe others should, too.”

36. A tab of herbal ecstasy

37. Deployment orders to Iraq

38. Footloose on LaserDisc

39. A handwritten coupon: “Good for one free erotic back rub!!!”

40. An autographed picture of Lee Iacocca

41. A charcoal sketch of you doing aerobics

42. A “World‘s Horniest Human Resources Director” mug

43. A $1 gift card to the Dollar Store

44. Jose Cuervo sweatpants

45. A handmade coupon entitling the bearer to “Unlimited forgiveness upon accepting Christ as personal savior”

46. A paperback copy of The Da Vinci Code with the cover ripped off

47. One hamster, two tiny reindeer horns

48. A stack of Soldier of Fortune back issues

49. A bottle of Old Grand-Dad Whiskey with the note, “For when you fall off the wagon!”

50. Whatever’s available in the vending machine

51. The instruction booklet for changing the printer cartridge, “personalized” with your coworker’s name inserted into every sentence

52. A copy of the “i really miss u & need you back!!!” mixtape you made for your college ex

53. One developmentally delayed foster child

54. A box of matzo for “the Jew”

55. A “sex machine” vanity license plate for your coworker’s wheelchair

56. The sixth draft of your first screenplay

57. A one-way bus ticket to Milwaukee

58. The actual sunglasses Kurt Russell wore in Captain Ron

59. Two copies of enRoute, Air Canada’s in-flight magazine

60. A bolo tie fashioned from an old computer mouse

61. A “gently used” savedarfur.org koosh ball

62. A pair of slippers you found along the highway

63. Blueprints of your office building with key “security and infrastructure vulnerabilities” highlighted

64. An “Every day is Earth Day” reusable grocery bag

65. A cracked DVD of Miracle on 34th Street, with a note to “return to library after finishing, thanks.”

66. A bib with your dog’s face on it

67. An e-greeting from Michael Moore

68. An escape route placard from the Red Roof Inn

69. A shot glass filled with Motrin

70. For your Muslim coworker, a crucifix inscribed, “He died for your sins most of all.”

71. Interoffice E-Mails: The Best of 2007, printed and staple-bound

72. A list of death-row inmates desperately in need of pen pals

73. Two pounds of Chex Mix (your own special recipe, made with just a “touch” of mayo)

74. An IOU good for one shout-out in the corporate newsletter

75. A spoken letter to your future self, recorded on a cassette tape when you were 11

76. A blurry Polaroid photograph of a defiled toilet, with a note that says, “I know it was you.”

77. A lock of your baby’s hair

78. “A hint: your breath all stanky” note

79. A rape whistle

80. Your 200-page novel about the dissolution of a marriage that “could really use some line edits”

81. A lifetime subscription to the Watchtower

82. An envelope full of overdue parking tickets you’ve been stealing off the recipient’s windshield since last Christmas

83. An invitation to touch your biceps (once)

84. A new VCR!

85. A homemade rickshaw

86. A $50 gift certificate to Planned Parenthood

87. A five-pack of Tequiza

88. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex, with key positions circled and annotated

89. The Women of Meat Rendering & Processing pinup calendar

90. One Triscuit

91. A sack of game you bagged with your pellet gun

92. A pastel drawing of your coworker innocently sleeping in her own bed

93. A handful of forks you grabbed from the Quiznos across the street

94. The complete, unabridged Moby Dick, printed on your company’s LaserJet

95. A trial-size bottle of coconut-scented “love” oil

96. Photos of a male coworker passed out with “cock tits Steve” written on his face in lipstick

97. A 10-minute conference call with Andy Dick and Crispin Glover

98. A videotape of every shower you’ve taken since last December

99. The contents of your desk, in a cardboard box, with a bow on it

100. A note that reads, “Um, you’re not fired. That’s your fucking Christmas present.”