What's it like to wear a fat suit and coddle crying kids for 12 hours? We found four veteran mall Santas—and promised them anonymity—to find out

RADAR: So, kids today. What’s the matter with them?
Santa Richard: It’s all about Playstations and expensive electronics. Kids ask me for sports cars. Seriously.
Santa Dan: Back in the day, just getting an orange was a big, big thing. That’s what kids asked for. Today they get so carried away.
Santa Jim: Last year a boy about six years old said, “Santa, I want Viagra!” I said, “What kind of a toy is Viagra?” And he said, “It’s a pill that makes you strong—that’s what my dad says.” So I said, “What’s the number two item you’d want from Santa?”

So they’re precocious and spoiled?
Santa Richard: They come with these lists that can run for two pages, single-spaced. Some of them bring booklets of photos they cut out from catalogs.

Are there any gift requests that you neg on the spot?
Santa Richard: Firearms.
Santa Roy: And pets. You have to be supercareful with that one. The parents are usually in the back, vigorously shaking their heads no.
Santa Dan: Girls always ask for ponies. I’m like, "Honey, where do you plan to put the pony?" Sometimes they actually do have five acres and a barn in their backyard, but most of them will say, “He can live in my room.” And I’m like, "Uh, how about a goldfish?"

Do you have to deal with daily tantrums?
Santa Jim: Oh yes, but not from the kids. From the parents.
Santa Richard: The parents get testy standing in line, and they start yelling at everyone. Some don’t even want me to spend a minute with the child. They just jerk them away after the camera snaps because they’re just sooooo busy.

Groups of teenage
girls walk by and scream, “Hey Santa, we’re Jewish. Do you love us, too?”So it’s just the adults who are naughty?
Santa Dan: And teenagers. They’re always coming up and saying, I want a BB gun. Because they just want to hear me say, “You’ll put your eye out.”
Santa Jim: Groups of teenage girls walk by and scream, “Hey Santa, we’re Jewish. Do you love us, too?” Of course, you have to say that Santa loves everybody.

Do the kids try to pull off your beard?
Santa Richard: Well, we have real beards, of course. We belong to an organization called the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas. It’s an international organization.
Santa Roy: Once a year the order gets together for a huge banquet. We have hundreds of members. And classes—you can get a diploma.

So you discriminate against hairless Santas?
Santa Richard: Well, there have been some real mishaps with fake-bearded Santas.
Santa Jim: The costume beards are held on by latex, so kids could literally pull one off. With a real beard, they’ll just get a few hairs.
Santa Roy: No big business will hire you if you don’t have a real beard. I mean, you could get a job, but you’re gonna make peanuts. The only one that will hire you is Disney. For some reason they don’t want their Santas to come with their own beard. They like to do it their own way, I guess.

Any other tips for aspiring Saint Nicks?
Santa Jim: You have to be very worried about proper use of your hands. In this day and age, always make sure those white gloves are visible to Mom. And avoid eating onions or garlic. Don’t smoke, and don’t drink—that one’s a big no-no. And don’t eat anything that will give you gas. A first- or second-year Santa might not know these things, and that can be very un­fortunate.