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Welcome to the Future

A Method To Cruise's Madness?

From the looks of it, Tom Cruise’s televised crackup is actually helping the Church of Scientology's recruitment efforts. Since he declared his eternal love for Katie Holmes in early May, visits to the Church’s official website have shot up 263 percent to a peak of 375,000 visitors per day last week, according to site traffic tracker alexa. A lot of those visitors must have come through Google, which listed “Scientology” as the 10th-fastest-gaining query for the week of June 27. While most were just rubber-necking, surely some will buy the sales pitch.

Those looking to learn more about what makes Tom tick have also been heading to the bookstore. According to Barnes & Noble rep Mary Keating, “Sales of Dianetics in the last month have more than doubled. It took off in 1985 and has been a huge best-seller for about five years," she said. "It’s a title we stock in all our stores at all times and we anticipate a strong year.”

John Carmichael, a spokesperson for the Church, downplayed Cruise’s influence, claiming “The popularity and uptrend was already there. Scientology is the largest-growing religion in the world," he said. (Hear that, Mormonism?) "All I can say is the people are here because of their huge interest in the church. Scientology has always been very, very popular.”

In several published reports, the 55-year-old church claims to have 5 million members in the U.S. and 8 million worldwide. But critics say the total membership is actually closer to 80,000. Does the official head count include past lives?

Whatever the case, consider that people also thought Francis of Assisi was crazy, and now there’s a bustling gay metropolis named after him. Cross your fingers, Tom!

Previously: Scientology's Catholic Guilt
A Nicole For Your Thoughts
$cientology Truth or Dare!
Cruise Encounters of the Third Kind
Katie Holmes' Magical 'Best Friend'
Reader's Digest on Cruise Control
Ground Control to Major Tom

Photo: PMC

Beating Around the Bush

Did President George W. Bush seal Osama Bin Laden’s fate with a kiss? Ever since CIA chief Porter Goss admitted to Time magazine three weeks ago that he has “an excellent idea” where the top terrorist is hiding, the chatter among Capitol Hill democrats has been that Bin Laden remains at large because he’s hiding in Bush’s blind spot—Saudi Arabia. “There is a lot of evidence from what Goss has said publicly, and our President’s relationship with the Saudi Royal family, that warrants an investigation,” one Democratic congressman tells Radar. “But the Democrats don’t want to appear too hysterical with this, so they’re taking their time to find out the facts.”

If the man responsible for killing 3,000 Americans is in Saudi Arabia it presents a unique problem for the petrol-rich president, the congressman said. “Who can forget the kiss between Bush and [Saudi Crown] Prince Abdullah two months ago when they sat down to talk about ‘oil prices?’ Well, since then, oil prices have skyrocketed to 60 bucks a barrel! The Saudis literally have the President by the balls.” Since one of Bin Laden’s stated goals is the overthrow of the House of Saud, it’s unlikely the royal family is sheltering him, but the glut of radical Wahabbists in the country who would happily take the terrorist in makes the scenario a distinct possibility, the congressman said. Moreover, Bush knows that going into Saudi Arabia for Bin Laden would most certainly spark a civil war and oil crisis. “The bottom line is any truly sovereign nation will give him up, but there aren’t many of those in the Middle East.”

David Pecker's Man in Sacramento

Did California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s contract with American Media influence his voting record? Or is he just a musclehead? Sources say the L.A. Times is investigating whether Schwarzenegger’s role as “executive editor” at AMI titles Muscle & Fitness and Flex was behind his recent veto of a bill aimed at curtailing the controversial use of performance-enhancing supplements by high school students—the same supplements whose ad dollars provide the majority of revenue at both magazines, according to AMI spokesman Stu Zakim.

As the New Yorker previously reported, Schwarzenegger was appointed to the post after a March 2004 meeting in which AMI CEO David Pecker promised the then gubernatorial candidate that the company’s tabloids—the National Enquirer, Star, and Globe—would “lay off” the ass-grabbing action star in return for his cooperation, which consists of occasional editorials and a popular advice column called “Ask Arnold.” (Pecker denies making the statement.) Schwarzenegger—who has admitted using steroids and supplements to further his own body-building career—defended the veto in a Flex magazine editorial, saying, “Dietary supplements are of use to everyone, not just athletes...Even in children, vitamins bolster growth and health.” Reps for the now atrophied action hero declined to comment.

Photo: NYDN

Fight Night at Yankee Stadium

New York Yankee stars Derek Jeterand Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez have stopped beating themselves up for their team’s worst season in over a decade—and started beating on each other. On June 20, after a throwing error from Jeter to Rodriguez handed the Yankees a 5-4 loss to the last-place Tampa Bay Devil Rays, a TV producer says the sluggers came to blows in the clubhouse.

“I was doing an interview in the locker room and saw them go at it,” says the source. “A-Rod walked past Jeter’s locker and mumbled something about his throw, then Jeter told him to go fuck himself and all hell broke lose. Their teammates were pulling them away from each other.”

Tensions between the two have been brewing since Rodriguez dissed Jeter in a 2001 Esquire interview. As a result, we hear, Jeter, the Gold Glove-winning team captain, never wanted his ex-pal on the team in the first place—but Yankees boss George Steinbrenner didn't listen.

“Now you have guys like Bernie Williams who remember winning the World Series taking Jeter’s side, and then you have the trades, like Tony Womack, taking A-Rod’s side,” says a ballclub insider. “What you have is a team that’s split, and you can’t win baseball games like that.” Yankees spokesman Rick Cerrone called the fight an “absolute fantasy,” and denied any rift between the players, claiming “there are no lines drawn in the clubhouse.” Not since Darryl Strawberry anyway.

Photo: NYDN