Tail to the Chief

John McCain hates pork, loves beautiful women

mccain_blondes_lead.jpg
(Photo: Rikolas Deagitle)
Imagine, if you will, spending five and a half years in a prison camp. Your only respite from the debilitating dysentery and severe depression are periodic beatings that allow you to drift off into the sweet numbing comfort of sleep.

Then you return home to find the ladies dropping their panties like you're Ringo fucking Starr. (You'd be excused for making dated references. You have been in a prison camp.) So you snag one of the hotties, marry her, and knock her up a few times.

Now imagine it's 2008. You've become an old-ass turd and the ladies aren't too interested in you anymore. But—lucky you—you're in charge of a presidential campaign that you get to staff with as many ladies as you'd like. So you do it! You pick young, blonde hotties and middle-aged brunette MILFs. You find smokin' Botoxed advisors and pretty young communications directors. After all, you've been through so much. Should you also suffer homely women?

Now you know how it feels to be John McCain. The former POW has gone to great lengths to ensure that, whether he's getting briefed by advisors, meeting on the campaign bus, or just lounging at home, there's always eye candy nearby. Unlike his opponent, who has surrounded himself with ugly dudes (Biden, Axelrod, AYERS!), McCain knows that never again will his old ass get to be around this much young tail again.

Come meet the beautiful ladies who surround John McCain.


CINDY McCAIN
Having a hot wife has become somewhat of a requirement to run for the highest office this year. Michelle Obama, Jill Biden, Ann Romney, and (premenopausal) Elizabeth Edwards are all pretty easy on the eyes. But it's Cindy McCain who really might take the cake. Yes, the 54-year-old beer heiress often has a placid, drugged-up look on her face (not unlike her fellow Republican wife Laura Bush). But it's also quite clear that, before the addictions and the Botox, Cindy had a seductive "ice-queen milk maid" thing going on. In short, she was quite a looker.

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