2008 is shaping up to be a bad year for guerrilla advertising

Well, reader, we were wrong. We're more than halfway into 2008 and viral ads so far have been pretty much just as crappy and unoriginal as their mainstream brethren: flogging a product by associating it with either sex, fun, or wealth.

Rather than abandon our search, we've decided to compile a list of the crappiest viral advertising campaigns in 2008 thus far. The focus of our inquiry now falls upon those companies that saw all the promise of the viral video, but observed none of its premises.

10. Guinness: "Good Times"
We would have put this ad in a "successful viral ads" list for the number of viewers it's getting and the truly great punchline. However, the efforts of Guinness PR to have the ad removed and disavow themselves of any responsibility did away with that intention.

They even posted a comment: "Please be assured that Guinness is in no way associated with this video, and has approached YouTube to have it removed. We are proud of our brand, and our commitment to responsible marketing, and this is not how we want our brand portrayed."

Don't they know the first rule of advertising? Any publicity is good publicity.

9. Red Bull: "Graffiti"
Never mind the fact that Red Bull is banned in France, where this ad was shot. Since when is Red Bull the face of hooliganism and public defacement, not ditsy girls and vodka-induced seizures?

8. GHD: "One Day..."
At first, this GHD spot seems less like a viral ad than one of those insipid "banned" commercials that hopes to take on a life of its own on late-night basic cable. It fails as a viral advertisement simply because no one has watched it.

Beyond that, however, GHD assumes that because the video is going straight to YouTube, it can appeal to what it believes are the true sensibilities of the average hair-product consumer: namely, closeted pedophilia, deep-seated hatred of the opposite sex, and a creepy northeast England accent.

7. Mobio: "This Is a Viral Advertisement"
Come on, guys, you couldn't come up with anything more original than this? Then again, Mobio is one of those companies that offers its products free of charge and likes its advertising budget only one way: profligate (didn't these things disappear in 2000?). We can't blame the guys at whichever agency that banked on this one for being a little bit lazy.

6. Wrigley's: "Forever"
How will the world feel when they discover that the song they propelled to the top of the charts was little more than an advertisement for Wrigley's gum? Maybe pretty stupid. It's a brilliant tactic, actually, and we applaud Wrigley's for its ingenuity. However, this is sort of like tampering with God.

It's frightening how audacious this publicity stunt was. It wasn't so different before, when rappers were giving free publicity to Lamborghini and various brands of midrange champagne. But something about this just seems like they've taken it too far—is there nothing sacred? Can't we listen to music without being wary of our favorite song being some Madison Avenue ploy?

5. Disney: "Viva Chihuahua!"
It figures that the movie responsible for the most irritating trailer of recent memory would with little effort churn out this annoying little ditty. Which is more ironic: That Chihuahua is in a near state of war, or that after this movie comes out, conscientious Americans will head to the Disney store to purchase toys sewn together by child laborers in some nameless Southeast Asian sweatshop? Viva Chihuahuas!

4. Cardo Systems: "Cell Phone Popcorn"
A Bluetooth headset manufacturing company creating an advertisement depicting cell phones popping popcorn is more or less equivalent (in this climate) to a bomb shelter manufacturer showing your kids being blown up at school.

3. Timur Bekmambetov: "Office Freakout"
This video portrays a man going crazy in an office, presumably on account of his utterly menial, cubicle-confined reality. The video was hugely popular on both YouTube and break.com, so why is it featured here? Well, because it was intended to generate buzz for the latest Angelina Jolie vehicle, Wanted, evoking "themes of escaping one's everyday life."

Ergo, breaking away from everyday life involves angrily shimmying about like Michael J. Fox in a fun jump. Unfortunately, although close cousins, flying off the handle does not invoke a corresponding desire to see Wanted.

2. JCPenney: "Speed Dressing"
Even though this advertisement was not actually made by JCPenney, the company gets an entry here for the video's rapid spread online and the massive amount of attention they received. We appreciated the ad if only for its thinly veiled lechery.

So why do we think it's crap? Well, in a word: branding. Since when was JCPenney associated with illicit, underage sex (American Apparel locked that one up a long time ago)? JCPenney's longtime association with humorless, white Middle America makes the video more disconcerting than anything. Where exactly are these kids running to at the end? Ostensibly, sex; but the suggestion that they're going to check on the meth lab is hardly out of left field.

1. Absolut: "Be Kanye West"
This campaign is a shoo-in winner, and when held up for comparison against previous advertisements on this list, it is plausible to think that they were put before it with the sole purpose of giving this colossally dumb ad featuring Kanye West the number-one spot.

Absolut is trying to cash in on the popularity of the faux-'80s music video aesthetic so successfully put to use in Snoop Dogg's "Sensual Seduction." When Kanye whispers, "Anytime is Kanye time, in an Absolut world," (notice the play on words there? They're obviously going for flattery) it's almost as if he himself is too timid to actually take seriously his own calls for us to 1) not notice whose product he is holding up for the masses to ogle at, and 2) ignore the pompous suggestion that, "for a few hours, or even a lifetime," we, the humble, groveling masses, can take Kanye West at face value.