Dossier
Character Studies
10 comic book superheroes who won't be transitioning to the big screen
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THE BLACK PANTHER Not coming to a theater near you, although you can catch the animated series on BET (Photo: Marvel)
Fast-forward 41 years and here comes The Dark Knight, with all the hype and outsized expectations of the new iPhone. Perhaps Bruce Wayne's longstanding success is no surprise. After all, as dark or complicated as Batman may be, he's still a quintessential leading man—stoic, brawny, easily inhabited by the George Clooneys or Christian Bales of the world.
But what about other, weirder superheroes who fail to be have such instant mass appeal? From an overly buff She-Hulk to a sexually ambiguous cowboy called the Rawhide Kid, Hollywood has so far ignored many beloved but little-known crusaders.
Earlier this year, Wesley Snipes tried and failed to produce a film adaptation of the obscure '60s Marvel character the Black Panther, the first modern black superhero. (Though BET announced in April that it will turn the character into an animated series early next year.)
Black Panther might not make it past basic cable, but in honor of the unlikely hero, Radar nominates 10 other subversive comic book characters who probably won't—but really should—show up at a theater near you.
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BACKGROUND: After downing a concentrated dose of an enhancement drink, teenager Ralph Dibny found that he could stretch his appendages to superhuman lengths.
MOVIE PITCH: Recast Mark Wahlberg as a super-supple porn star—this time one who can control his endowment and change sex positions using the power of his mind (and CG).
BACKGROUND: Similar to the Elongated Man, except instead of just extending himself, Skin prefers to unfurl his sagging flesh like a man who's recently lost 500 pounds and doesn't know what to do with all the extra yardage.
MOVIE PITCH: This is just kind of creepy. Which means it's exactly what the producers of Teeth have been waiting for. Perhaps Jared, of Subway and dramatic weight-loss fame, could star as the hero with the floppy epidermis?
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BACKGROUND: A group of raging femme fatales led by the deceptively named Granny Goodness, the Furies are, unlike the others in this list, supervillains, and are known for crushing men using heavy metal boots and power-spike fists. (They also sometimes barbecue them.) When one of the ladies tried to leave the group to get married, the others were ordered to slay her. Though the Furies already made an appearance in the Superman animated TV series, we think they are the perfect characters to draw the Sex and the City crowd back to the big screen.
MOVIE PITCH: Created in 1972 by a male artist, the Female Furies don't look so politically correct on paper. But with a little retooling, this could be the hot new Julia Roberts feminist vehicle that Mona Lisa Smile never was. Publicists of the potential film should stay on message, though, assuring sensitive viewers and concerned parenting groups that the Furies don't just torture men—they teach them a valuable lesson about gender dynamics.
BACKGROUND: Everyone used to think the Rawhide Kid was just shy around girls. But in a 2003 story titled "Slap Leather," the lighthearted cowboy finally came out as gay. He's feared in the West as much for his gunslinging as for his keen fashion sense. After laying eyes on the Lone Ranger, he quipped, "I can certainly see why that Indian follows him around."
MOVIE PITCH: Like Brokeback Mountain but less earnest and teary. Cast Justin Timberlake as the wisecracking super-gay and tell him he's more likely to win an Oscar if he walks around shirtless. Insert several jokes about flashing pistols, shooting blanks.
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BACKGROUND: The other gay comic book character, Firebrand (real name: Rod Reilly) has been languishing in the closet since 1941, when he first showed up in a sheer shirt and red hot pants. The evidence against Firebrand's heterosexuality has been both endless and a source of glee to avid DC Comics readers. A few examples: Fireband's studly "best friend" who's always hanging around, that time he joined the Navy, the noticeable lack of female love interests, and then of course there's the name. Upon entering his presumably queeny wardrobe closet, Firebrand's sister once remarked, "From the look of these clothes, I didn't know my brother quite as well as I thought I did!"
MOVIE PITCH: Coming-out movies don't have much play outside the LGBT community, but Firebrand has so much built-in potential for gay stereotyping á la Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, there's a chance the heteros might just eat it up. (He fights crime but is worried about his manicure!) Cast Carson Kressley or Sean Hayes, then watch the money roll in.
BACKGROUND: The daughter of a rich scientist turned venomous insect, Janet van Dyne knows how to get what she wants. She frequently used her ex-husband's schizophrenia to her advantage and flirted with other male Avengers to make him jealous. After dumping him for Captain America, she told friends in confidence that she was concerned about her new beau's "age gap."
MOVIE PITCH: Sharon Stone might salvage her stardom by playing the central vixen as a manipulative, ice-pick-wielding nymph. Kind of like she did in Basic Instinct.
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BACKGROUND: The most roly-poly of all superheroes, Bouncing Boy's sole power is the ability to inflate into a spongy, round mass. He also frequently enjoys the company of women 10 sizes smaller than him. He briefly made an appearance in the 2006 animated television series Legion of Super Heroes.
MOVIE PITCH: In live-action form, watching some guy float around the big screen would be hokey. But give it to Pixar and the elegant airborne visuals—plus the inevitably crowd-pleasing story of a jolly fat guy who just wants to fly—will become their next hailed "masterpiece."
BACKGROUND: Matter-Eater Lad can eat ... anything. Which is about as lame as it sounds. In fact, the folks at DC Comics have routinely found ways to write the superhero out of plots about the Legion of Super-Heroes, of which he is a member, probably because it's difficult to find a task suited to his skills.
MOVIE PITCH: Eating jokes rarely work on film (see: Mike Myers as Fat Bastard), but we could see a portly Jack Black playing a well-intentioned guy who eats everything to a fault. Like the furniture or his girlfriend's shoes.
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BACKGROUND: Hideous and misunderstood, Leech was initially discovered as a boy on the street, where his parents left him to die (the green skin and hollow eyes just weren't going to work at dinner parties). He has no actual powers other than negating those of everyone else around him, which means he's pretty much running away from everyone at all times. Damn. Even the Elephant Man had friends.
MOVIE PITCH: Leech made a brief appearance in X-Men: The Last Stand, but he really has the star power to open his own film. After all, with pupils, Leech could be almost cute (in an ugly way). Shave Shia LaBeouf's head for the role of the green-skinned antihero trying to find purpose in a cruel world, and he'll be back on the cover of GQ in no time.
BACKGROUND: Like PJ Harvey's "50-Foot Queenie," She-Hulk emasculates the little man in all of us. The sexy, Harvard-educated woman was so angered by men trying to kill her that she turned into the beefy car-lifter she is today and hasn't looked back since. Best of all, unlike her cousin Bruce Banner, she doesn't lose her female intellect once she transforms.
MOVIE PITCH: She-Hulk was briefly slated to be a movie starring Brigitte Nielsen, but it never saw production. More recently, Nicholas Cage joked while doing press for Ghost Rider that he'd love to see Eva Mendes take on the role. Still, we haven't seen any evidence of She-Hulk taking off (or of Eva sufficiently bulking up), so may we suggest another casting? With her scarily muscular arms, Madonna was born to play the part of the ambitious She-Hulk.
Related: Dossier
Posted by: Decibelle on July 25, 2008 4:48 AM
This article is really lame, even by the standards of Radar, and journalisms biggest cop out, the list. Obscure characters, lame jokes, and riddled with factual innacuracies... The other gay character? Please. Do a little research next time. And including one character that's already been on film (Leech) and others (Black Panther, Wasp) that are almost certain to appear within the next few years (the Avengers, anyone?) For the love of god, try a little harder. It's not difficult to find lame superheroes to mock, although it's a ridiculously well-traveled road. Stick to articles about douchebags and body spray.
Posted by: daviddonne on September 18, 2008 7:07 PM
Neat article. Allow me to add some characters and series I'd like to see on film (but never will). In no particular order:
>Cloak & Dagger
Background: Two runaway teenagers, Tyronne Johnson and Tandy Bowen, are used against their will as subjects for an experimental narcotic, a process which endows them with the powers of darkness and light respectively. They wage a seemingly hopeless war against drug dealers in order to prevent other people being exploited in the same way as themselves.
Why it would make a good movie: It involves teenagers and drugs, which (unfortunately) is an always-contemporary issue. The two characters have a special chemistry, being more than friends but not intimate. They form a balanced group whose juxtaposition is nicely done in lots of ways - appearance, powers, even movement.
>Strikeforce: Morituri
Background: In the not-distant future, Earth is under attack by a technologically superior and extremely savage alien force known as the Horde. Humanity places its hopes on an experimental procedure called the Morituri Process, which can produce super-humans to fight the invaders. The process is compatible with very few humans and even the proper candidates may not survive it. The people that do survive it gain some form of super-human ability which they have to discover and master. However, the human physiology gradually rejects the process, resulting in the subject's death within one year.
Why it would make a good movie: The central theme is duty and self-sacrifice, and for once it can be done without involving the seemingly-ubiquitous US Army. Due to the nature of the Morituri process, the series had no "standard" main roles, so it would lend itself to sequels in a more natural way than most others.
>Spider-Woman (Jessica Drew)
Background: During the 1930's, young Jessica suffers radiation poisoning. To save her life, her scientist father injects her with an experimental serum based on spiders and puts her in stasis. When she emerges, decades later, the serum has cured her and also given her mutant powers.
Why it would make a good movie: Jessica is a young woman who lives in the modern world but was born more than half a century earlier. Because of that, she often feels out of place and misunderstood, which are feelings most people can empathize with. She's more than a female version of Spider-Man and her series would have good potential as a movie. Furthermore, there have been several other Spider-Women later on (Julia Carpenter - later Arachne, Mattie Franklin) so there would be potential for sequels as well.
>Rom
Background: The people of the planet Galador are attacked by an evil alien race known as the Dire Wraiths, who have the ability to change forms. To defend their world, 1000 Galadorians sacrifice their humanity to become cyborg-like warriors called Spaceknights. They defeat the attacking Wraiths, who flee to the far reaches of the universe. The greatest Spaceknight, Rom, vows to hunt them down before they can regroup and attack Galador or other worlds. His journey eventually brings him to contemporary Earth, where the Wraiths have infiltrated all levels of society disguised as humans. Rom can see their real form using his Analyzer and kill them with his Neutralizer. Since people witness Rom killing humans apparently at random, they soon turn against him, save for a handful who believe him and help him.
Why it would make a good movie: Although the character is actually based on a (sort of crappy) toy action-figure, the story itself is very interesting. The plot is heavy with conspiracy theory, which always helps fuel interest. Rom comes across as a tragic hero, someone who does what he does reluctantly out of a sense of duty, all the while opposed by the same people he is trying to save. Robotic special effects have come a long way lately (as seen in the Transformers and Iron Man movies) so Rom and his fellow Spaceknights could be made to look impressive.