Close Read
Confronting the Douchebag Plague
A helpful guide from the forthcoming handbook Hot Chicks With Douchebags
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(Photo: Michael Frost)
They're everywhere. Greased-up foreheads. Spiky, frosted cactus hair. Glittering designer dog tags. Giant blinged-out diamond necklaces swinging wildly around their necks as they pump their fists to Euro-trash techno. A societal spew.
These primal, grunting spawns of Satan prowl across our country like a marauding horde of Unholy Douche Crusaders, inhabiting our cities and flooding our suburbs like a rancid plague. They're everywhere: large metropolitan areas, suburban strip malls, even in empty, vacuous wastelands like the Everglades of Florida, or Dallas, Texas.
From sea to douchey sea, ours is a culture overwhelmed by this festering blight, a perfect storm of greased-up bodies, plucked eyebrows, and tight see-through Armani/Exchange T-shirts.
And then there's the other half of the equation. The hotties by their sides, perched on their arms like dazed Serengeti Boobie Parrots. Sweet melon balls of befuddled youth balancing, circus-act-style, on ginormous high heels.
Innocent cuties, lost in the maze of fist-pumping douchewanks, completely oblivious to the hulking half-human monstrosities clutching at their thighs.
How did this happen?
What answers lie beneath this paradox of hottie and douchebag? And how did our society reach this rank state of cultural douche-rot?
These are the questions we are driven to explore.
Hot Chicks With Douchebags (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, available July 8) identifies and describes the wide variety of douchebags plaguing our great nation. For the comprehensive history and taxonomy of douchebags, you'll need to read the guide. But we're pleased to offer you a sample gallery of various douchebags for your disgust and edification.
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Related: Close Read, Douchebags, Hot Chicks With Douchebags, Pop
Posted by: Bill Gahammer on July 3, 2008 9:53 AM
So I'm looking at the picture, and I still can't tell...which one isn't the douchebag?
Posted by: KdNicewanger on July 10, 2008 5:15 PM
I know what people this writer is talking about and the men go hand in hand with the women perfectly. Saying that techno is the mark for these guy's is a real injustice . . .if you asked them what they are listening to . . .they would not even know . . .try hip-hop, and that R&B crap . . .that is what they know about.
Posted by: jaspurrcat on August 4, 2008 2:13 PM
Gripping stuff--once I started it, I just could not put it down!
But enough about LA Looks Mega Hold hair gel--this article was pretty good, too.