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Generation Slap

(continued)

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DREAMS DEFERRED The cast of seminal Gen X film Reality Bites

Jump ahead 17 years, and my generation's incessant "whining" (which, incidentally, is responsible for today's transformed workplace) has been reframed as a sort of rugged individualism when applied to the Millennials. "Generation Y is forcing companies to think more creatively about work-life balance," praises an article published in Time last year. Advertising Age takes things a step further, saying, "[A]gencies need to find a new employment model that better caters to Gen Y's 21st-century skill set, enviable ambition and vibrant desire for recognition ... Our job is to find new ways to motivate, inspire and reward them." Maybe they can set up pony rides and free face-painters in the break room, right next to the Big Buck Hunter machine.

Weighing in on the Millennial's "newfangled" workplace idealism, 60 Minutes suggests that bosses should accommodate Millennials who want to want to "roll into work with their iPods and flip-flops around noon." An expert interviewed for the CBS program suggests that bosses should talk to Millennials "like a therapist on television might speak to a patient."

An equally egregious example of generational bias lies in Gen X's stigma as the "MTV Generation," a title that was always intended as a pejorative. GrossBookSistah's article accused Generation X of having been dumbed down by MTV, charging us with incubating a severe case of attention deficit disorder. "Their attention span," wrote GrossBookSistah, "is as short as one zap of a TV dial." Ironically, when applied to the Millennials, who are similarly affected by the Internet, possessing a short attention span becomes an accolade. They just call it multitasking.

In reality, logging on to Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace 15 times per hour to see how many friends you've accumulated is clearly nothing short of obsessive compulsive. Perhaps the Millennial's addiction to Adderall and Red Bull are to blame, but the media has been too busy singing their praises (or doing cutting-edge exposés on "cyberstalkers") to notice the Millennial's chronic case of generational OCD.

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GENERATION MTV Back in the day when Kennedy's antics seemed shocking

Outside of the office, the assault against Gen X was even worse. GrossBookSistah accused us of being "too detached to form caring relationships." And instead of praising us for sneering at "Range Rovers, Rolexes, and red suspenders," GrossBookSistah emphasized how marketers were "confounded" by a "generation so rootless and noncommittal," transforming our frugality and anticommercialism into cheapness.

The boomer's animosity seems particularly misplaced when you consider that Gen X's values mirrored those of the antiestablishment hippies. One iconic example is our trademark wariness of commercialism. We were the no-logo generation, famously skeptical of marketers who tried to pigeonhole us. We created independent rock and ostracized artists who "sold out" for capital gain.

Today, when a hip band allows Outback Steakhouse to co-opt one of their most beloved songs, Millennials don't call it selling out. It's a cogent business decision. To Millennials, it's perfectly acceptable to transform the lyric "Let's pretend we don't exist / Let's pretend we're in Antarctica" into the jingle "Let's go Outback tonight / Life will still be there tomorrow." (Et tu, Of Montreal.)

Perhaps most troubling, the Millennials have effectively transformed the no-logo idealism of Gen X into the mantra "no logo except Apple." Embracing "hip" brands is what often passes for cool with today's trendsetters. Still, boomers continue to debase the values of my "downbeat" and "cynical" generation, perhaps tricked into thinking they have more in common with the Millennials since ponchos and hippie beards have become popular once again.

Sure, GrossBookSistah accused Gen X of being too alienated to have role models, but perhaps that's preferable to an entire generation worshiping with bended knee at Steve Jobs' immaculately designed Apple-shaped cathedral. Have you heard the news, they chant soundlessly, with iPods clogging their eardrums, the new MacBook has arrived! It's magic. It's so light it can fly!



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TIME WARP Nirvana's In Utero

The Doom Generation?
While praise for the Millennials continues to be spread as generously as margarine on an Denny's English muffin, it's surreal in hindsight to see how antagonistic the media was to Generation X. "Down deep, what frustrates today's young people—and those who observe them—is their failure to create an original youth culture," GrossBookSistah wrote, shifting from snark to antagonism. "What young adults have managed to come up with is either nuevo hipster or ultra-nerd, but almost always a bland imitation of the past."

Ouch. Criticizing our work ethic was one thing, but our culture? That's below the belt. (Comically, GrossBookSistah immediately discredit themselves by insisting that Bret Easton Ellis pales in comparison to boomer "originals like Tom Robbins.")

The animosity seems particularly ill-placed given what passes for an "original youth culture" today. Namely, the cult of celebrity for which the Millennials will be remembered. Star magazine has become a more essential accoutrement for today's aspiring hipsterati than Chuck Taylors. Sure, there are those who defend the Millennials against the accusations of superficiality, generally by suggesting that they're more politically engaged than the disenfranchised Gen X. But let's be honest, had George Bush, Jr., been in office when we turned 21, my generation would have sweat through our flannel shirts running to the voting booth to replace him.

Still, it's never been sexy to be a Gen Xer. And that's the problem. Maybe we're responsible for the Spin Doctors, but if you cut through the bullshit, you'll see that we're not merely sexy. We're fucking hot:

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THEIR SPACE MySpace, the virtual Gen Y compound
We were the first bloggers. We created rap music. Silicon Valley. McSweeney's. Indie rock.

And we are the Internet generation. We founded Google. Wikipedia. DailyKos. Gawker. Meet-Up. MySpace. Ebay. YouTube.

We're not slackers. We are Tiger Woods, Snoop Dogg, Parker Posey, Tina Fey, Johnny Depp, Michael Jordan, Dr. Dre and Lance Armstrong, to name a few.

You've earned your retirement, boomers. So rest assured that your babies are in good hands as you go. As a member of the nowhere generation, now come of age, I'm proud to announce that our time has arrived. We may not be the next Greatest Generation, but we're pretty good at calling bullshit. So in the immortal words of Paul Davis: Cool wand.



Robert Lanham is the author of the satirical anthropological studies The Hipster Handbook, Food Court Druids, and The Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right. His writing had appeared in The New York Times, Nylon, Playboy, and Time Out New York, among others. Lanham is the founder and editor of FREEwilliamsburg.com.

Click here for one millennial's response to this essay.

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