When celebrities invade civilian slumber

Short of mud wrestling, nothing makes a person feel dirty quite like dreaming about celebrities. Though we've all become relatively accustomed (or, you know, deadened, hardened) to the celebrity culture that saturates our lives, when a famous person drops in on our sleep, we feel the filth afresh: Shouldn't our subconscious be focused on something more pressing than Britney's breakdown? Something like, say, our own personal lives?

Here's something to wash away the grime: dreams about famous people that are more detailed, intense, and personally revealing than your own! Read about other regular folks' nighttime run-ins with the B-list, and wake up from your next dream about Seth Rogen knowing it could be worse—you could be dreaming about Hannah Montana.

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THE "MILEY CYRUS 3 A.M. CALL" DREAM
It's late at night and I receive a phone call from Michael Eisner. He tells me that he's calling because Miley Cyrus is leaving her role as Hannah Montana, and the studio is panicking and needs a replacement. I meet with Miley and we can tell that this is going to be an exciting transition for both of us. There's just one problem: They're still considering one other person for the role—Kirsten Dunst. To prove that I can really connect with Miley's audience, they have me do a special segment on Radio Disney as Hannah Montana. I am wearing the wig, costume, and all the trappings. And despite being old and sort of out of touch, the kids love me. I am their new Hannah Montana.
—Female, 25, has never watched the Disney Channel

THE CLASSIC "SAM ZELL WON'T WEAR A CONDOM" DREAM
Sam Zell and I are in my grandma's room. He's being really smoochie and his weird white beard is scratchy, but he's generally pretty nice and respectful. But when it comes down to actually having sex, I'm like, "Hey, go get a condom." He refuses, claiming he's "too old" for that.

"That's exactly why you have to! You've probably had sex with tons of people because you've been alive for so long!"

"Just because I'm rich doesn't mean I have AIDS," he says.

This pisses me off.

"I didn't say you had AIDS. But there are tons of other STDs that I don't want to get. Plus, hello, I don't want to get pregnant."

And then he starts cursing, but not really at me, more just in general—like I said, respectful—and offers to wear this weird old-timey contraption thing, which I deem unsanitary, so we decide to just hang out. Then he offers to buy my blog, but I tell him I'll have to ask my boss.
—Female, 25, Chicagoan (we don't think that has anything to do with this dream)

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THE DREAM THAT MEANS YOU'RE GAY
Ryan Seacrest and I are hanging out with mutual friends in L.A., having a great time riding around in someone's Hummer limo and drinking champagne.
It's clear that Ryan is really into me. He keeps touching my leg, kissing me behind the ear, but I just couldn't reciprocate. I knew Ryan could give me a really nice life, what with his billion-dollar bank account and all, but I really didn't want to go on a date with him.

Finally, at the end of the night, when it's clear nothing is going to happen between us, Ryan picks me up, kisses me full on the lips (I return it—why not?) and says, "If you ever change your mind, you know where to find me."
—Female, 27, insists Seacrest is not "her type"

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THE "JAY LENO LOVES YOU, HE JUST SHOWS YOU IN A DIFFERENT KIND OF WAY" DREAM
I'm in a supermarket that only sells celebrity-endorsed foods. I am oddly struck by Jay Leno's new product line, "Jay Leno With Love," mainly because his selection is so tiny, featuring only "Jay Leno With Love" macaroni and "Jay Leno With Love" bottled water.

Later, while pondering powdered-soup packages, the store's P.A. system announces that Hillary Clinton has single-handedly sold the most soup in America that day. This touches me deeply and I burst into tears.
—Male, 45, deeply interested in branding

THE QUINTESSENTIAL "BRAVO OVERLOAD" DREAM
I'm in a spartan, luxe hotel bathroom taking a shower. The hotel is in the headquarters of the Tyrell Corporation in Blade Runner. I hear a knock at the door. I put a towel around my waist and answer it. Nina Garcia is standing there. She's wearing this brown, flowing, see-through dress and she's pulling a rolling suitcase behind her. I'm surprised that she's checking out of the hotel, and I ask her why she's leaving town earlier than expected as I begin to remember the affair we've been having during this convention at the Tyrell Corporation, which is now in Las Vegas. Nina lets go of the suitcase and steps into the doorway. She puts her hand on my chest and pushes me up against the wall. She starts kissing me. It's amazing. Nina's a great kisser. Before I can say anything, she tells me it has to end. She's leaving to go back to her husband in L.A. It's over between us. She walks away with the suitcase and I close the door. I'm alone, left with this feeling of deep satisfaction that I had a fling with Nina Garcia.
—Male, 36, believes Nina to be Project Runway's best judge

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THE "FLASHBACK TO 1997" DREAM
I hear that David Schwimmer has proposed to Jennifer Aniston. I call a friend to tell her the news.

"That can't be true! It's probably part of that Ashton Kutcher reality show where they trick the paparazzi and reporters," she says.

"No, it's true! It's on CNN!"

And then I show her the CNN story: "Ross and Rachel Together!" It includes a quote from Schwimmer saying he has always been in love with Aniston and has waited all these years to propose.
—Female, 26, member of Team Aniston

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THE "NACHOS WITH BRITNEY" DREAM
A friend and I meet up with Britney Spears for dinner in a dimly lit Mexican restaurant. As soon as we sit down, she tells us, "I'm pregnant and I don't know who the baby daddy is."

"Do you really think you're in a good place to be having a baby right now?" I ask.

"I'm not crazy. I swear. It was a one-time thing," she explains. "It happened because I was on Lorazepam, Diazepam, and Lidocaine, and all these other psychotropic meds all at once, and I went totally crazy, but just for one night. I'm really not crazy."

We think that sounds fine and get ready to leave (to go to a party with Prince William). Before we do, I lean over to the table next to ours and say to the people sitting there, "Hey guys, I know that would be a great story for the tabloids, but it'd be really cool if you could just keep all the information to yourselves."
—Female, 26, admitted Britney obsessive

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THE CLASSIC ANXIETY DREAM: BEING BLACKLISTED BY TOM BROKAW
Tom Brokaw is furious at me. I was supposed to send him a party invitation, but instead had somehow been forwarding him e-mails, IM conversations, and text messages about my life, work, and friends. He tells me he is sick of hearing about what a bitch my roommate is, he thinks my work ethic is poor, and, frankly, if he were that guy from the bar last Friday, he wouldn't have called me back, either. Brokaw is beyond steamed and tells me, "You'll never send invitations in this town again!"
—Male, 26, "stressed out" and in the midst of sending out party invites

THE "GHETTO TOURISM"
DREAM
I'm in a precinct after being arrested for dealing cocaine, and who should walk into the interrogation room but Clarke Peters, aka Lester Freamon from The Wire! He is nattily dressed, as he is on the show, and alone. I'm sitting, but not handcuffed. He throws the drugs on the table and tells me that I'll be better off if I just fess up.

"No way, it's not mine. You can't prove shit," I tell him.

Then we argue for 15 minutes before he goes out to get his partner. I decide that I should make a run for it (I'm not handcuffed, remember), so I get up, take the drugs, and book it. He never catches me.
—Male, 25, deeply interested in cocaine

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THE "HEART OF DARKNESS" DREAM, CW STYLE
Tyra Banks has finally decided to let me be on America's Next Top Model. All of us contestants are participating in a challenge that takes place in a labyrinth built out of foam and a sort of Jell-O material. It's a challenge more suited to Double Dare than ANTM, but I still want to win. I'm paired with a model who disappears soon after we start, and I get lost in Tyra's labyrinth.
—Female, 26, Tyra lover

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THE "WEIRD, NOW THAT HE'S DEAD" DREAM
I am sitting on Charlton Heston's lap while he is giving me grandfatherly advice and telling me that I am a good boy, he loves me, and all my dreams will come true.

A few minutes later we begin frolicking around together in a large crate of CornNuts.
—Male, 45, does not own a firearm

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THE CLASSIC "BEING INFANTALIZED BY PIERCE BROSNAN" DREAM
I am frolicking in a McDonald's ball pit with Pierce Brosnan, shoes off, socks on. He spoon-feeds me some McFlurry while he nibbles on an apple-pie pocket. Patrons watch through the glass as we dive around the ball pen and run through the mazes. He even sandwiches me on the rope ladder, kind of how he did Rene Russo on the staircase in The Thomas Crown Affair. Then, all of a sudden, he flings himself down the tunnel slide, and instead of landing in my outstretched arms, I wake up.
—Female, 27, generously identifies Pierce Brosnan as "her type"

THE "ALEC BALDWIN ABANDONMENT" DREAM
Alec Baldwin is one of my grad school professors and is always having our class over to his house, somewhere in the Hollywood Hills, for pool parties and barbecues. He grills us hamburgers and we bring beer and we all chill. At some point, Alec and I share a slow dance. One of these get-togethers, however, ends up being a lavish party with all his famous friends—beautifully catered and great booze everywhere. I start running into people I know at the party, which I take as a good sign: If Alec and I have friends in common, maybe we really stand a chance of being more than just teacher and student. I try to eat something, but servers are constantly clearing away the food before I can. At one point, I grab a glass of champagne off a table and get reprimanded for taking it before that area was really open for service. I was getting pretty frustrated. I couldn't get a drink, and I hadn't seen Alec most of the night.
—Female, 27, 30 Rock enthusiast

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THE "IT'S ALMOST A FEDERAL OFFENSE TO HAVE THIS DREAM" DREAM
I'm staying at Al Gore's house while he is assassinated. They bring his body into the bed that I have been using so that he can lie in state. Then Tipper and I go for a long walk outside to discuss the tragedy. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of the details of our conversation, but we linked arms and were both wearing heavy sweaters, so I assume it was a good talk.
—Male, 31, voted for Gore in 2000

JOIN IN! Share your own celebrity dreams in the comments section. We'll update the piece with the best—and weirdest—nocturnal encounters.