Sit back, have a drink, and watch the pretty people say stupid things.

As every educated American knows, the third season of MTV's flagship fake reality show, The Hills, debuts tonight. Paris! New job responsibilities! The rise of Stephanie Pratt! While we can barely contain our excitement, we also know that for a certain percentage of you, The Hills is, quite simply, unpalatable. It's cultural detritus masquerading as well-produced, beautifully shot melodrama. In other words, The Hills' mere existence proves beyond a doubt that this country's obsession with manufactured celebrity and brainless entertainment is leading us right down the shitter.

These people need to sit back, have a drink, and watch the pretty people say stupid things. Which is why we're proud to bring you the Official Hills Drinking Game. We scoured the Internet and were mildly shocked to discover that one doesn't already exist, though this might have something to do with the fact that drinking games went out of style somewhere around the turn of the century. True, but it's also true that The Hills makes for way better TV if you're sauced.

The rules are pretty self-explanatory. If you can't follow them, perhaps it's time for you to contact MTV producers about appearing on season four.

TAKE A SIP WHENEVER...

Spencer uses the word "bro."

Justin Bobby is wearing an article of clothing he could have reasonably purchased from a girl's clothing store.

Justin Bobby is wearing an article of clothing he could have reasonably stolen from a Mexican day laborer.

Audrina looks as if someone just asked her for the fifth third digit of pi. (Note: This will get you wasted.)

Spencer acts in a plainly manipulative fashion. (Note: This will get you wasted.)

Stephanie Pratt demonstrates that she might actually be more manipulative than her brother.

Either the Eiffel Tower or the Arc de Triomphe is invoked as a metaphor for love in Paris.

Whitney prefaces or ends a sentence with "You know?"

Similarly: Whitney scrunches her face in a failed attempt to convey emotion and/or thought.

Spencer inverts an argument to shift the burden of guilt onto someone else.

Lauren claims she needs a "boy" to help her get over Brody Jenner. (Bonus sip if MTV producers immediately cut to Brody surrounded by a gaggle of trashy L.A. skanks.)

Lauren reminds Audrina that she should hate Heidi because Lauren hates Heidi.

Brent Bolthouse promotes his club-promoting company.

Justin Bobby is wearing a wool skull cap despite the fact that it's 80 degrees and sunny outside.

Justin Bobby is wearing sunglasses and/or a hat despite the fact that he's indoors.

TAKE A GULP WHENEVER...

Vogue West Coast editor Lisa Love says something condescending.

Lauren "accidentally" runs into Heidi or Spencer at Les Deux, LAX, or Hyde.

Lisa Love reminds Whitney or Lauren how lucky they are to be working at a place as prestigious as Teen Vogue.

Jen Bunny is referred to as "Jen Bunny" instead of just "Jen."

Heidi trots around in a bikini.

Frankie Delgado shows up.

Justin Bobby hits on a random girl in front of Audrina.

Spencer makes a Spencer face.

A coworker of any Hills star acts either disgusted by or sycophantic toward said Hills star.

Whitney asks Lauren to "recap" a previous night/incident. ("So what happened last night?" is an acceptable permutation.)

Lauren chides Audrina for dating Justin Bobby.

Lo takes credit for coining the name "Justin Bobby."

Lo or Lauren note that Justin Bobby hates the name "Justin Bobby."

Lo demonstrates that she's probably the smartest of the bunch by saying something kind of funny.

You think to yourself, "Hey, Lo would be kind of attractive if God hadn't placed her eyes so close to one another."

Either Brody or Spencer mention how they used to be friends with one another but aren't anymore. :(

Justin Bobby says something that would reasonably lead you to believe he is drunk, stoned, or under the influence of a mind-altering substance.

Whitney gives Lauren a backhanded compliment, asks an awkward question ("Wait, are you going to Paris?"), or seems to revel in delivering bad news to Lauren.

Spencer tells Heidi just how much he dislikes Lauren.

Lauren blames Spencer for the dissolution of her friendship with Heidi. (Example: "He brainwashed her.")

The gals eat Pinkberry.

FINISH YOUR DRINK WHENEVER...

Audrina, Whitney, Lauren, or Heidi cry.

Lauren says something to Audrina that gives you the distinct feeling that she really doesn't like her.

Heidi and Lauren confront each other about how much they hate one another and are totally never going to be friends again, like, ever.

Stephanie Pratt pledges loyalty to Spencer in a way that seems more than sisterly

Lo, Lauren, or Audrina are on a date where the awkward silence-to-talking ratio is better than 70:30.

MTV producers ignore the occasional "fat friend" by refusing to frame her in the shot or cutting off her lines.

Justin Bobby goes home with another girl in front of Audrina.

Justin Bobby denies going home with another girl, despite the fact that Audrina totally watched him do it.

Spencer awkwardly interacts with Heidi's parents.

Spencer and Heidi decide to get engaged again.

DRINK EVERYTHING IN SIGHT IF...

A verbal argument between Spencer and Heidi ends in blows, requiring producers to intervene like that one time they did when Paula went totally nuts on Real World: Key West.

Lauren visits Jason in jail; conjugal visit ensues.

Audrina renews her subscription to the Economist.

Brody catches a DUI on the way back from Les Deux.

A black character speaks! (Don't worry, this has only happened once.)