A Super Bowl Sunday guide for the fairer sex

For many ladies, Sundays in football season can be fraught with anxiety. Like an anorexic at the Thanksgiving table or Anderson Cooper at the Playboy mansion, a certain species of woman finds herself out of her comfort zone come game time, unable to mediate her innate desire to nest and nurture with the testosterone fueled, Cool Ranch–flavored mansport blaring on the TV.

This isn't to say that the football experience can't be a rewarding one—rippling biceps, unbridled machismo, and guys in tight pants aren't all bad. Which is why we asked Will Leitch, the editor of popular sports blog Deadspin and author of the new book God Save the Fan (available through HarperCollins), to sit down with us at local sports bar Gatsby's, knock back a few drinks, and watch the Seattle Seahawks take on the Green Bay Packers. The goal? To figure out what exactly is going on as a bunch of insanely brutish guys ritualistically smash into one another. Below, Leitch schools me on girly-man kickers, dumbass quarterbacks, and when to recognize that the other team is just not that into you.

Kickers are considered the ladies of the team. They don’t have to work as hard as other people. They’re fragile, and so much of it's mental
RADAR: [Hoisting a beer] Did you really just order a rum and Diet Coke? I wasn't aware that this was the preferred drink of die-hard sports fans.
LEITCH: They didn't have a cranberry martini.

Let's start with what I know. I know what a touchdown is. I know that Jessica Simpson is sleeping with Tony Romo. I also know that when I went to Christian camp, my counselor was [Seattle Seahawks coach] Mike Holmgren's daughter. She ended up hooking up with the camp pastor, actually.
That's not too bad a foundation.

What's the main thing that I, a woman of delicate sensibilities, should know going into the Super Bowl?
Think of the Super Bowl as a wedding shower. I've never met a woman in my entire life that doesn't completely fucking despise going to wedding showers. Similarly, hard-core fans hate the Super Bowl. It's almost like a duty that you have to do. Also, the consumerism and the blatant capitalism involved with wedding showers is similar to what goes on at the Super Bowl. It's all, "What can I sell ya? What can I sell ya? What can I get for free?"

What should I know about the quarterback?
Quarterbacks are somewhat different from the guys on the line, who are definitely trained animals. They're like, "Hit that guy. Hit that guy. Okay, now go hit that guy." We think of athletes as dumb jocks, and I think if we met them in real life we'd probably realize that they are. But quarterbacks are relatively smart. The amount of raw information they have to memorize is ridiculous. They also have to change it on the fly. I'm definitely not that intelligent.

Wow, Will. Are you saying that because both of these quarterbacks are ... white guys?
Yes, absolutely. I'd like to go on the record, as saying only white quarterbacks have the intellect to ... wait, I'm just kidding. Seriously, though, both these guys we're watching today [Brett Favre and Matt Hasselbeck] are total dumbasses.

What about the kicker?
Among athletes, kickers are considered the ladies of the team. They don't have to work as hard as other people. They're fragile, and so much of it's mental. To a certain level, a big lineman guy—he's doing a good job if he knocks another guy over. A kicker is doing a good job if he overcomes his emotions and fears and is able to concentrate.

So it is safe to assume most of the kickers are recruited from Bard College, Oberlin?
Absolutely. Most had experimental days at Vassar.