A Super Bowl Sunday guide for the fairer sex

For many ladies, Sundays in football season can be fraught with anxiety. Like an anorexic at the Thanksgiving table or Anderson Cooper at the Playboy mansion, a certain species of woman finds herself out of her comfort zone come game time, unable to mediate her innate desire to nest and nurture with the testosterone fueled, Cool Ranch–flavored mansport blaring on the TV.

This isn't to say that the football experience can't be a rewarding one—rippling biceps, unbridled machismo, and guys in tight pants aren't all bad. Which is why we asked Will Leitch, the editor of popular sports blog Deadspin and author of the new book God Save the Fan (available through HarperCollins), to sit down with us at local sports bar Gatsby's, knock back a few drinks, and watch the Seattle Seahawks take on the Green Bay Packers. The goal? To figure out what exactly is going on as a bunch of insanely brutish guys ritualistically smash into one another. Below, Leitch schools me on girly-man kickers, dumbass quarterbacks, and when to recognize that the other team is just not that into you.

Kickers are considered the ladies of the team. They don’t have to work as hard as other people. They’re fragile, and so much of it's mental
RADAR: [Hoisting a beer] Did you really just order a rum and Diet Coke? I wasn't aware that this was the preferred drink of die-hard sports fans.
LEITCH: They didn't have a cranberry martini.

Let's start with what I know. I know what a touchdown is. I know that Jessica Simpson is sleeping with Tony Romo. I also know that when I went to Christian camp, my counselor was [Seattle Seahawks coach] Mike Holmgren's daughter. She ended up hooking up with the camp pastor, actually.
That's not too bad a foundation.

What's the main thing that I, a woman of delicate sensibilities, should know going into the Super Bowl?
Think of the Super Bowl as a wedding shower. I've never met a woman in my entire life that doesn't completely fucking despise going to wedding showers. Similarly, hard-core fans hate the Super Bowl. It's almost like a duty that you have to do. Also, the consumerism and the blatant capitalism involved with wedding showers is similar to what goes on at the Super Bowl. It's all, "What can I sell ya? What can I sell ya? What can I get for free?"

What should I know about the quarterback?
Quarterbacks are somewhat different from the guys on the line, who are definitely trained animals. They're like, "Hit that guy. Hit that guy. Okay, now go hit that guy." We think of athletes as dumb jocks, and I think if we met them in real life we'd probably realize that they are. But quarterbacks are relatively smart. The amount of raw information they have to memorize is ridiculous. They also have to change it on the fly. I'm definitely not that intelligent.

Wow, Will. Are you saying that because both of these quarterbacks are ... white guys?
Yes, absolutely. I'd like to go on the record, as saying only white quarterbacks have the intellect to ... wait, I'm just kidding. Seriously, though, both these guys we're watching today [Brett Favre and Matt Hasselbeck] are total dumbasses.

What about the kicker?
Among athletes, kickers are considered the ladies of the team. They don't have to work as hard as other people. They're fragile, and so much of it's mental. To a certain level, a big lineman guy—he's doing a good job if he knocks another guy over. A kicker is doing a good job if he overcomes his emotions and fears and is able to concentrate.

So it is safe to assume most of the kickers are recruited from Bard College, Oberlin?
Absolutely. Most had experimental days at Vassar.

What about Kordell Stewart? In your book you talk about the rumors that he was a little light in the loafers. Was he a kicker?
No, a quarterback. If he was a kicker, that would have been fine. But since he was a Think of it this way: You only have four downs. If you screw up, the guy's onto you. He won't buy the cow because the milk is for freequarterback, his teammates were nervous. I love that after rumors started circulating, Stewart actually held a press conference where he declared how much he loved heterosexual sex. He even held up a still from a pornographic movie and said, "See this? This is what I like right here!" It's hilarious.

Speaking of the feminine side of sports. What are Deadspin's female readers like? Lots of junior high softball coaches, sensible shoes, affordable haircuts?
No! I swear. Lots of very attractive, very nice women. Actually, you know what this makes me think of? A few years back, the NFL had this thing, they called it "The NFL For Ladies." It basically said, 'think of the touchdown as 'home.''' Because they thought women could relate to that. You know, "women just want to go home." It was just so condescending and silly.

That's terrible. And offensive. But seriously, if a touchdown is, say ... me getting married ... what are the other plays?
I think in this case, you have to consider the guy the opposite team. You're trying to gain yardage. He's trying to push you back. The field is 100 yards long. You start on your own 20 with 80 to go. Since you are on the offensive and trying to get on the other end, each first down is a tiny step closer. It's something that he's lost and you've gained.

First you leave a toothbrush in his bathroom, then you invite yourself to meet his parents?
Exactly. But you only have four downs. If you screw up getting to that next step four times in a row, he's onto you. He won't buy the cow because the milk is for free. He'll just get into the end zone, come back, and play another team.

How does getting pregnant on purpose fit into this metaphor?
That's definitely the interception.

So, to shift gears slightly, Deadspin must be one of the most popular blogs in the Gawker media empire. But [Gawker overlord] Nick Denton, you think he's a real son of a bitch, right?
No! Really, I've had nothing but good experiences with him. Truth is, Nick doesn't know anything about sports. He trusts that I know what I'm doing. One famous story: He sent me an IM over the summer asking if we could do more March Madness coverage because it was really driving traffic. "But it's June," I told him.

What do you make of certain hot lady celebrities climbing all over our nation's finest football players?
You know what? If you've seen Tony Romo, he's not a particularly attractive guy. He is, however, the QB of the Dallas Cowboys. He's every high school's dreamboat quarterback, magnified thousands of times over. Even though he's an ugly dude.

So, just to clarify, you're on the record saying that Nick Denton is a real son of a bitch?I guess what I'm getting at is, on average, how much sex should the average football player expect in a season from Jessica Simpson, Kim Kardashian, or those related to them?
For better or worse, football is probably the least sexed sport during the season. The day after the game, these guys can sometimes barely walk. The truly great sport for groupies is baseball. You're on the road half the year. You can stay out. Baseball players have this whole culture where they go out after the game and say, "Hey, I play for for the Cardinals." Woosh! Women swarm.

Think about the popular jocks you knew in high school. Imagine them on a national scale with fame and million of dollars. The rules of everyone else don't apply to them.

There can only be one Super Bowl champion. How does the losing team deal with the disappointment? How can a woman understand the agony of defeat?
To be honest, whoever loses generally goes home, eats a pint of steroids, and watches When Harry Met Sally on the couch.

Sorry, but just to clarify, you're on the record saying that Nick Denton is a real son of a bitch, right?
No! Honestly, I like Nick. When I first showed him the book cover [see page 1], he pointed out the raised middle foam finger on the front and said, "Wait, is that for me?" First off, I like Nick and we've always gotten along. Though I recognize I might feel differently if I had been the editor of Gawker.

Fine then. Two more questions. If football were a Sex and the City character, who would it be?
I'll go with Big. It just does its own thing and only responds when you contact it for sex.

Good answer. And finally, if Deadspin commenters went to war with the ladies over at Jezebel, who do you think would win?
I don't think they'd go to war. If they did, I suspect the Jezebel commenters would be victorious. Anna, who runs it, she knows sports really well. So please, please don't bring that idea up.