How desperate are Second Life's cyber-lechers for a digital get-down? Radar investigates

LIKES LONG WALKS, HUGE NERDS Radarette hits the beach

Men will do anything for sex—even cybersex. It's no surprise then that Second Life, the virtual-reality online environment, is populated by well over a million different users engaging in nearly as many different kinds of debauchery. SL sex acts between "avatars"—user-modified animated characters—range from innocent cuddling to improbably acrobatic BDSM, and are generally accompanied by lascivious chat via the relatively old-fashioned technology of instant messaging.

But how far will desperate men go for some virtual lovin'? Radar contributing writer Teddy Wayne, comfortable with his heterosexuality, went undercover as a fiery-haired, pneumatically proportioned female avatar named Radarette Writer. He cozied up to several Second Life citizens, each time assuming a different—and thoroughly nontitillating—role-play fetish. Look at the transcripts and pictures of the sessions to see just how far these computerized Casanovas went to indulge Radarette's bizarre fantasies.

Transcripts have been edited for length and clarity. Entertaining spelling errors and grammatical mistakes have been preserved. User names have been changed to protect the corrupted innocent.

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ROLE 1: THE MATH TEACHER
The seduction of the student by the teacher is a time-honored pornographic tradition. What happens, though, when the teacher forgets about the seduction part?

Student: Wanna take your clothes off?

Radarette: First, you have to learn your times tables.

Student: Yes.... I must.

Radarette: What's seven times seven?

Student: 49?

Radarette: Very good. What's the square root of 256?

Student: 69?

Radarette: No. Do you even know what a square root is? Or did you miss class that day, you naughty student?

Student: No, but I'm "rooting" you now.

Radarette: A square root S of a number X means that number S squared (times itself) equals X. Therefore, what times itself equals 256?

Student: Oh ... I naughty ... let play anoterh [sic] game.

Radarette: No. You must get this right or you'll never work in a numbers-related field. If you won't play along I can find somebody else.

Student: No. Come back. It's 16.

Radarette: Very good! Ready for something a little ... HARDER?

Student: Yep.

Radarette: Haretown and Tortoiseville are 50 miles apart. A hare travels at nine miles per hour from Haretown to Tortoiseville, while a tortoise travels at one mile per hour from Tortoiseville to Haretown. If both set out at the same time, how many miles will the hare have to travel before meeting the tortoise en route?

Student: Nine miles.

Radarette: No.

Student: 36.

Radarette: No, but closer.

Student: Man ... does this get you off?

Radarette: Absolutely. I'm so turned on right now.

Student: Tell me about it.

Radarette: Let's work on this together! How many miles apart are they at the start?

Student: 50.

Radarette: And if the hare moves at nine miles per hour and the tortoise at one mile per hour toward each other, how many miles per hour are they moving as a unit?

Student: Eight.

Radarette: Remember—they are moving TOWARD each other.

Student: 10.

Radarette: Very good! So, if they need to cover the distance of 50 miles and they're moving 10 miles per hour, how many HOURS will it take until they meet?

Student: Five.

Radarette: Yes! Therefore, if the hare moves at nine miles per hour, and it takes him five hours, how many total miles does he cover?

Student: 45.

Radarette: You're getting rewarded for your answer.

Student: How?

Radarette: Half of my outfit is coming off.

Student: Mmm ... okay ... put some lead in my pencil.

Radarette: Why, did it break?

Student: You rode it too hard.

Radarette: That's odd. Anyway, are you ready for the final exam question? If you get it right, everything comes off.

Student: Will you whip my ass? I need to teach you a few lessons.

Radarette: In algebra? I'm pretty sure two years of a master's in math means that I know a lot more than Mr. C+ over here! Here's your final exam question: Tom's father is three times old as Tom. Four years ago, he was four times older. How old is Tom?

Student: Mmm. Strugling [sic].

Radarette: You need to set up two different equations. Remember we spent last month's unit on multivariable algebra?

Student: y=3y

Radarette: You mean y=3x.

Student: x-4=4x-4

Radarette: Close. Tom=X, Tom's father=Y.

Student: x-4=4y-4

Radarette: The left side is correct, but the right side isn't. I'll give you a hint: The right side needs a parenthesis.

Student: Strugging....[sic]

Radarette: Then maybe you're not the math student I should be tutoring now. There are others who show more promise.

Student: Tutor me more!

Radarette: What is four years ago, in terms of Tom's age Y?

Student: y-4

Radarette: Correct. What is four times that amount?

Student: 4(y-4)

Radarette: Yes! And what did you say four years ago was in terms of Tom's father's age X?

Student: x-4=4(y-4)

Radarette: Correct! Now, what was the first equation you had?

Student: x=3y, y=12

Radarette: Yes—so I want you to PLUG IN what x equals into the second equation. How old is Tom?

Student: 12.

Radarette: Excellent! See, that wasn't so hard, was it? Do you feel proud of yourself?

Student: Sure do.... now for your end of the bargain.

Radarette: Here come my underpants. There ... wasn't it all worth it?

Student: You still got clothes on.

Radarette: Wow. Did that get you off as much as it did for me?

Student: Mmm ... I'd be lying to say it did.

Radarette: Really? because I'm all done over here ... phew, what a session! You're great, you know. Have to run, but let's work on some more word problems next time!

Student: See you around ... tease.