How desperate are Second Life's cyber-lechers for a digital get-down? Radar investigates

LIKES LONG WALKS, HUGE NERDS Radarette hits the beach

Men will do anything for sex—even cybersex. It's no surprise then that Second Life, the virtual-reality online environment, is populated by well over a million different users engaging in nearly as many different kinds of debauchery. SL sex acts between "avatars"—user-modified animated characters—range from innocent cuddling to improbably acrobatic BDSM, and are generally accompanied by lascivious chat via the relatively old-fashioned technology of instant messaging.

But how far will desperate men go for some virtual lovin'? Radar contributing writer Teddy Wayne, comfortable with his heterosexuality, went undercover as a fiery-haired, pneumatically proportioned female avatar named Radarette Writer. He cozied up to several Second Life citizens, each time assuming a different—and thoroughly nontitillating—role-play fetish. Look at the transcripts and pictures of the sessions to see just how far these computerized Casanovas went to indulge Radarette's bizarre fantasies.

Transcripts have been edited for length and clarity. Entertaining spelling errors and grammatical mistakes have been preserved. User names have been changed to protect the corrupted innocent.

GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY Our undercover agent runs a strict classroom

ROLE 1: THE MATH TEACHER
The seduction of the student by the teacher is a time-honored pornographic tradition. What happens, though, when the teacher forgets about the seduction part?

Student: Wanna take your clothes off?

Radarette: First, you have to learn your times tables.

Student: Yes.... I must.

Radarette: What's seven times seven?

Student: 49?

Radarette: Very good. What's the square root of 256?

Student: 69?

Radarette: No. Do you even know what a square root is? Or did you miss class that day, you naughty student?

Student: No, but I'm "rooting" you now.

Radarette: A square root S of a number X means that number S squared (times itself) equals X. Therefore, what times itself equals 256?

Student: Oh ... I naughty ... let play anoterh [sic] game.

Radarette: No. You must get this right or you'll never work in a numbers-related field. If you won't play along I can find somebody else.

Student: No. Come back. It's 16.

Radarette: Very good! Ready for something a little ... HARDER?

Student: Yep.

Radarette: Haretown and Tortoiseville are 50 miles apart. A hare travels at nine miles per hour from Haretown to Tortoiseville, while a tortoise travels at one mile per hour from Tortoiseville to Haretown. If both set out at the same time, how many miles will the hare have to travel before meeting the tortoise en route?

Student: Nine miles.

Radarette: No.

Student: 36.

Radarette: No, but closer.

Student: Man ... does this get you off?

Radarette: Absolutely. I'm so turned on right now.

Student: Tell me about it.

Radarette: Let's work on this together! How many miles apart are they at the start?

Student: 50.

Radarette: And if the hare moves at nine miles per hour and the tortoise at one mile per hour toward each other, how many miles per hour are they moving as a unit?

Student: Eight.

Radarette: Remember—they are moving TOWARD each other.

Student: 10.

Radarette: Very good! So, if they need to cover the distance of 50 miles and they're moving 10 miles per hour, how many HOURS will it take until they meet?

Student: Five.

Radarette: Yes! Therefore, if the hare moves at nine miles per hour, and it takes him five hours, how many total miles does he cover?

Student: 45.

Radarette: You're getting rewarded for your answer.

Student: How?

Radarette: Half of my outfit is coming off.

Student: Mmm ... okay ... put some lead in my pencil.

Radarette: Why, did it break?

Student: You rode it too hard.

Radarette: That's odd. Anyway, are you ready for the final exam question? If you get it right, everything comes off.

Student: Will you whip my ass? I need to teach you a few lessons.

Radarette: In algebra? I'm pretty sure two years of a master's in math means that I know a lot more than Mr. C+ over here! Here's your final exam question: Tom's father is three times old as Tom. Four years ago, he was four times older. How old is Tom?

Student: Mmm. Strugling [sic].

Radarette: You need to set up two different equations. Remember we spent last month's unit on multivariable algebra?

Student: y=3y

Radarette: You mean y=3x.

Student: x-4=4x-4

Radarette: Close. Tom=X, Tom's father=Y.

Student: x-4=4y-4

Radarette: The left side is correct, but the right side isn't. I'll give you a hint: The right side needs a parenthesis.

Student: Strugging....[sic]

Radarette: Then maybe you're not the math student I should be tutoring now. There are others who show more promise.

Student: Tutor me more!

Radarette: What is four years ago, in terms of Tom's age Y?

Student: y-4

Radarette: Correct. What is four times that amount?

Student: 4(y-4)

Radarette: Yes! And what did you say four years ago was in terms of Tom's father's age X?

Student: x-4=4(y-4)

Radarette: Correct! Now, what was the first equation you had?

Student: x=3y, y=12

Radarette: Yes—so I want you to PLUG IN what x equals into the second equation. How old is Tom?

Student: 12.

Radarette: Excellent! See, that wasn't so hard, was it? Do you feel proud of yourself?

Student: Sure do.... now for your end of the bargain.

Radarette: Here come my underpants. There ... wasn't it all worth it?

Student: You still got clothes on.

Radarette: Wow. Did that get you off as much as it did for me?

Student: Mmm ... I'd be lying to say it did.

Radarette: Really? because I'm all done over here ... phew, what a session! You're great, you know. Have to run, but let's work on some more word problems next time!

Student: See you around ... tease.

HOME BODIES Radarette shows her domestic side

ROLE 2: THE WIFEY
Ah, the escapist allure of the Internet! You can be anyone in cyberspace: a beautiful princess, a hard-partying rock star, an Amazonian supermodel ... or a stressed-out, middle-aged wife.

Radarette: Let's role-play, okay? You're coming home from a long day of work.

Hubby: Mmm, baby. This is what I was waiting for all day.

Radarette: You're tired and hungry.

Hubby: I slouch down on the couch waiting for my lovely woman to come and see how my day was.

Radarette: I've reheated a bunch of leftovers that we're kind of picking at for dinner.

Hubby: I start to eat, the whole time watching you and grinning, thinking how lucky I am to have you.

Radarette: Do you mind that the salad is kind of wilted?

Hubby: No, the salad is fine, honey.

Radarette: I tend not to Saran Wrap the salads well, so they often go bad after a day.

Hubby: Trust me, I love everything you make.

Radarette: Thanks. I had a day, let me tell you. My mother kept calling and asking why she didn't have any grandchildren yet.

Hubby: Hahaha, she isn't going to be happy until she gets some, is she?

Radarette: She says I'm too old now.

Hubby: Well, how about we prove your mother wrong and work on getting her those grandchildren?

Radarette: Now we're done with dinner, and guess what's next?

Hubby: You know I hate it when you make me guess, honey.

Radarette: Netflix!!!

Hubby: What came in the mail today?

Radarette: We have two options: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days or Friends, season five.

Hubby: Let's go with Friends.

Radarette: That's what I wanted, too! I LOVE Phoebes [sic], and that Chandler is so funny with his wisecracks.

Hubby: Phoebe and Joey crack me up.

Radarette: Should we watch all 22 episodes in a row and go all ... night ... long?

Hubby: I'm up for a marathon.

Radarette: I'll make the no-salt popcorn. Watching my sodium intake.

Hubby: I'll go melt some butter.

Radarette: No, I can't have any butter, either.

Hubby: The butter is for me.

Radarette: Aren't you going to sacrifice on my behalf?

Hubby: Alright, alright, no butter. What do we have to drink?

Radarette: We have diet Ocean Spray cranberry juice, for that yeast infection I had last week, and O'Doul's, since I don't drink.

Hubby: I'll get a glass of water and set up the DVD player.

Radarette: Now, I want you to SLIDE the Friends disc into the player and make the show COME on.

Hubby: Hmmmm. That sounds like a two-person job to me.

Radarette: The damn DVD player won't open. I thought you got it repaired last weekend?

Hubby: I did. Hold on, there is something stuck in here.

Radarette: Is that copy of my Shaker Heights cousin's bar mitzvah video still inside?

Hubby: Hold on. Presses Eject, inspects the DVD. It's scratched.

Radarette: Do you want me to BLOW on it?

Hubby: I think it might help.

Radarette: Wait, my mother bought us a DVD repair kit for my birthday last year. It might work better.

Hubby: Where is it?

Radarette: Look in the closet, underneath my exercise ball.

Hubby: Opens closet and bends over to pick up the exercise ball

Radarette: Don't rearrange the closet too much. I spent all of yesterday organizing it.

Hubby: Okay. Moves the ball out of the way Ahh, here it is.

Radarette: Put the ball back EXACTLY where it was.

Hubby: You really enjoy busting my balls, don't you?

Radarette: It looks like you finally fixed something, for once. It's working. Did you hear what Chandler just said? "Could I BE any more upset?" lol!

Hubby: You and your Chandler.

Radarette: Now I'm getting sleepy. Are you?

Hubby: mmm hmmm.

Radarette: Okay Falls asleep

Hubby: Good night. Lightly kisses you on the lips and wraps arm around you

Radarette: Farts softly and contentedly

Radarette: That was great, baby. Let's do it again sometime.

Hubby: It was fun. Bye.

THE SIMULATED LIFE Radarette finds the Joel Madden to her Nicole Richie

THE NEEDY STARLET
Behind every insecure young reality star is a profoundly whipped boyfriend.

Radarette: I'm Nicole Richie, and you're my boyfriend, Good Charlotte singer Joel Madden.

Joel: But you're pregnant.

Radarette: With your child, baby. I can't wait to have it.

Joel: Hmmmmm ... I loved giving it to you.

Radarette: And now that I'm pregnant we don't have to use any birth control!

Joel: I would love to come inside of you.

Radarette: Before we do that, though, I should tell you that my ex, DJ AM, has been calling me a lot lately.

Joel: Does he own a gun? If so, I need to contact my bodyguard.

Radarette: No, but he's jealous seeing us all over Us Weekly and Page Six. Wait ... Paris is calling. Should I pick up?

Joel: No. For once, make her wait.

Radarette: True. She gets everything. I'm glad she was in jail. Do you think this baby is going to make me fat?

Joel: Not the way your body works, heck no.

Radarette: So you're still more attracted to me than you are to Lindsay?

Joel: Heck ya. She is not my type ... seriously.

Radarette: Because she's getting more attention now that she's back in rehab.

Joel: I'm with the right one. Lindsay does nothing for me.

Radarette: Sometimes I get insecure.

Joel: Don't be ... your [sic] the one ... believe me.

Radarette: But I've dropped on the recent E! Top 100 Hotties list.

Joel: Your #1 on my list. Isn't that all that should mater [sic]? Come with me.

Joel teleports me to a waterfall-and-wading-pool paradise.

Joel: Start slow ... u like that, huh?

Radarette: Do you think I'll ever be ranked higher than Jessica or Scarlett or Angelina or Eva?

Joel: Hmmmmmmmmm.

Joel: Why do you care so much? We are having a family. Your [sic] still in demand.

Radarette: You don't understand the pressure of having your body constantly scrutinized in magazines and on TV.

Joel: You have the most amazing body when your [sic] not throwing up to look nonexistent.

Radarette: That's not funny. You know I'm insecure about what people say about me.

Joel: Yes, but stop trying so hard to make everyone else happy & start looking in the damn mirror. Your [sic] hot.

Radarette: I see puffy eyes, chipmunk cheeks, and an 86-pound body that could easily lose a few.

Joel: 86-pound body that could loose a few? Did you hear yourself?

Radarette: I want to get down to 83.

Joel: Not a good look for you. Especially with child. Think of the child if not you. By the way, you have a hot av[atar].

Radarette: After the kid, obviously. Though I don't want this child to weigh more than five pounds six ounces when born. Especially if it's a girl.

Joel: And if it's a boy?

Radarette: Maybe six pounds. I don't want a porker that the tabloids will make fun of.

Joel: Porker ... give me your definition. I must know.

Radarette: A woman over 90 pounds is a verifiable hog.

Joel: That means even Paris the string bean is a porker.

Radarette: Yes, she is! I'm glad someone else agrees.

Joel: I'm not agreeing here, not for a second.

Radarette: I thought you said you think I'm more attractive?

Joel: She is far from fat and neither are you.

Radarette: I don't know if I believe you now.

Joel: I like you better ... I could have had Paris. I chose you.

Radarette: Does that mean she's been calling you?

Joel: We talk, mostly about you ... is that okay?

Radarette: Right now a paparazzi is trailing our car to take pictures of me—not of you. You don't understand what it's like.

Joel: F it. Who the heck cares.

Radarette: Baby, do you think The Simple Life will do better in ratings this season than last?

Joel: Just be yourself. It will do fine.

Radarette: We're losing the 18 to 24 demographic.

Joel: Don't worry. Show a little more leg, it will be back quick.

Radarette: I'm trying to synergize it with my upcoming perfume line, but the E! execs are worried about product placement.

Joel: Get a new merchandising manager. How many promised episodes did you sign for?

Radarette: 22 episodes.

Joel: Nice ... remember, just show some leg and some attitude, which is your thing, and all will come to you.

Radarette: I guess so. You really made me feel better, baby! Thanks, I'm so glad we found each other.

Radarette: Let me give you a big kiss to thank you.

Joel: Me too. Feel better?

Radarette: This was a great session. Really got off. Maybe we can do it again some time?

Joel: Sure, why not?

Radarette: Okay, take care!

Joel: That it? Give me a break.

DOCTOR FEEL GOOD Radarette says "ahh"

THE HELPLESS PATIENT
We are breaching patient-doctor confidentiality by releasing this transcript with a Clooney-wannabe Second Life M.D.

Radarette: I'm feeling feverish, doctor. What should I do?

Doctor: I need to take your temperature. Open wide.

Radarette: Which opening?

Doctor: Let's start with your mouth and I'll just slip this in.

Doctor: Hmmmm ... very hot ... you'll need to take your top off.

Radarette: I've been breaking out with hives lately in warm weather.

Doctor: Have u been scratching?

Radarette: Yes, scratching all over.

Doctor: Oh dear.

Radarette: The hives are like large welts, really.

Doctor: Are they ALL over?

Radarette: Yes, except for my elbows and knees, because the skin is dead there.

Doctor: That's because the skin is soft elsewhere and needs attention.

Radarette: I've been taking various steroids to stop them, like prednisone, but they're making me gain weight.

Doctor: A tender touch is all that is required. But u need to be relaxed.

Radarette: Unfortunately, I've found that physical contact tends to exacerbate the symptoms.

Doctor: What sort of physical contact? Reveal all.

Radarette: Any kind, really. Exertion and sweat really bring the hives out.

Doctor: I think I need to refer you to my private clinic.

Radarette: Oh yeah, refer me, baby.

Doctor: It's expensive, I'm afraid. And only for a priviledged [sic] few.

Radarette: Do you take COBRA health insurance? What's your copay?

Doctor: 1:1 personal treatment.

Radarette: I'm worried you won't take my insurance?

Doctor: Well, yours is a serious case, so I might have to.

Radarette: Can we work out some other form of payment?

Doctor: What have u in mind?

Radarette: Perhaps Medicaid.

Doctor: Not on my list.

Doctor: My juristiction [sic] is purely Scotland.

Radarette: What if I bought travel insurance?

Doctor: Well, do you want to go to those lengths?

Radarette: Yes. I must treat these hives. They're making me seriously depressed.

Doctor: Well, you have a few options.

Doctor: With Bronze Care, I take out the assistance here in front of everyone.

Doctor: Silver Care option: a private location.

Doctor: Or Gold Care: the ultimate 1:1, beyond Second Life. ;)

Radarette: What kind of treatment would you recommend for the hives?

Doctor: Involves a lot of rubbing. Probably would have to show you.

Radarette: I told you, physical contact makes the hives worse.

Doctor: Well, it's a serious case of phisys sombrosis with a touch of lubinous lackdosis.

Doctor: Which all means you need cream.

Radarette: What kind of cream?

Doctor: A biologic cream ... it's a personal recipe.

Radarette: Well, the hives are caused by a degranulation of mast cells and eosinophils. So what do you recommend, in your expert opinion?

Doctor: Yes, but they are being excacebated [sic] by a combination of stress and overexposure to subinny synchronous. There is only one solution I can recommend.

Radarette: 800 mg of prednisone per day?

Doctor: Too late for that.

Radarette: I really think the prednisone is the best option right now.

Doctor: I can only offer advice, but stimulation would be good.

Radarette: Ok, I'll let you do Bronze Care.

Doctor: Follow me then. How big are the hives?

Radarette: The size of silver dollars.

Doctor: Whoa, u need special immediatae [sic] treatment.

Doctor: Straight to the emergency.

Radarette: How much does the ambulance cost?

Doctor: Let's worry about that later.

Radarette: You certain it won't be one of those cases where I think it's free now, then I get a bill for $700 next month and my COBRA doesn't pay for anything?

Doctor: So long as you recommend my services, I could help u for free.

Radarette: I love it when you put me on the preferred list and waive copay fees.

Doctor: But u need to act fast.

Radarette: You mean because these hives are concomitant with severe depression and suicidal ideation?

Doctor: Absolutely. You know, u should be a doctor yourself.

Doctor: In fact, I have this problem which nobody can resolve.

Radarette: Which is what?

Doctor: Well, it's embarrassing, really, as a doctor.

Doctor: My arm seems to jolt upward when I have caffeine. Silly, really.

Doctor: Anyway back to your problems. If you visit my clinic, I think I can help.

Doctor: And get you back on all fours.

Doctor: Ahem.

Doctor: I mean feet.

Radarette: I wouldn't want to be on all fours because I have arthritic knees.

[The good doctor provided me with his e-mail address at the end of our session for a follow-up consultation.]

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