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Can't Bust This

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HAPPY MEAL Insert a joint into a straw and place it in a fast food bag for a cop-resistant hiding spot

• If you just have a joint on you and you get pulled over, put it in a straw, and throw the straw in a fast-food bag. Alternately, reach under the dashboard and place it in one of the numerous nooks and crannies you find. Don't attempt to throw it out the window—it's too obvious, and they'll always find the joint.

• If you are driving with large quantities of narcotics, do so in the rain. Cops hate pulling people over when it's wet out. Traveling during rush hour and other times of heavy traffic is also a good tactic.

• If you are driving in an area where police officers frequently use dogs, a smart play is to spray your car tires with the "deer scents" and fox urine used by hunters. Often, dogs will get so excited over the smell of a hunt they'll forget they're looking for drugs.

• Don't put marijuana in a gas cap, in an external tank, or anywhere else on the exterior of your vehicle. Dogs will smell it immediately.

• Alternately, travel with a cat. They make a good distraction for canines used in a search.

04-hiding-joint-in-ceiling.jpg
PRAISE THE ROOF Like an English muffin, the ceiling of your car is filled with secret nooks and crannies

• A great place to stash pot in your car is toward the interior of the vehicle, tucked into a roof panel. The dog is less likely to detect the scent up high.

• If you want to be extra safe, cook up a batch of cookies or brownies. You rarely, if ever, see arrests made on pot-laden baked goods.

• Don't hide marijuana with other drugs. If cops find the pot, that's one thing; getting caught with more serious drugs, though, is a much tougher legal battle to fight.

dare-jesus-bumper-stickers.jpg
• DO NOT put any of the following on your vehicle, they're red flags: D.A.R.E. stickers, Jesus Fish, your Kappa Sig frat sticker, or Vietnam vet stickers. Also, don't drive a Corvette—cops will pull you over just 'cause. (Ed: According to Mr. Cooper, if you're driving in Texas, try not to be black or Hispanic, either. Racial profiling abounds.)

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David Remnick, the National Enquirer, and the rest of this week's media winners and sinners


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