What do you tell people who make fun of all the KISS-branded merchandise, like the KISS coffin? Oh, they're the people who cut my lawn and pick up my garbage. It's easy to sit in the peanut gallery and point fingers. People think that KISS is different

KISS KISS BANG BANG The singer at his birthday party in Las Vegas with adult star Taylor Wane

What do you tell people who make fun of all the KISS-branded merchandise, like the KISS coffin?
Oh, they're the people who cut my lawn and pick up my garbage. It's easy to sit in the peanut gallery and point fingers. People think that KISS is different from any other band. We're exactly the same as REM and U2 and every other band. They sell T-shirts, too. It's just that we can do things no other band can do. There ain't no Rolling Stones comic books. No matter how much I think Mick Jagger's an icon and has outlived everybody in rock to this day, I don't want to see him in a cape flying through the air.

Have you stopped calling your tours "reunion" or "farewell" tours?
Who cares? Isn't it true, no matter what you say, when you get offstage and everybody's clapping, you come back on, and that's called an encore? Didn't you actually say "goodnight" to the people and leave? What makes you think life is any different? Life is all about supply and demand. This is going to be the last tour. That's it. Streisand, everybody says the same thing. And by the way, when you're saying it, you mean it. And then when the demand gets to be too much to bear, you go, "Okay, they want us."

"There should be asshole police with bats. As
soon as you start misbehaving, you should get the shit beaten out of you. Put me in charge. I'm telling you, I'd fix
all that"I've been watching some older episodes of Family Jewels, and certain scenes seemed to have been partially scripted or re-shot. Is it staged?
We don't have very much to do with that. The camera crews have to plan where you're gonna go and what you're gonna do. Nobody's told what to say, but in some ways, as soon as you turn on the camera, reality is a version of reality. People are aware there are cameras there, and they change their behavior. Including the bozos. And I wish I had a bat for every one of those guys who jumps up and down behind a newscaster on the street doing a story about a fire. There's some moron jumping up and down. There should be asshole police with bats. As soon as you start misbehaving, you should get the shit beaten out of you. Put me in charge. I'm telling you, I'd fix all that.

Were Shannon and the kids happy you started the show?
They didn't really like it. We did a 10-part thing with Extra—they did 10 five-minute bits and called it The Simmons, kind of like an Osbournes thing. Except it wasn't a train wreck. People were shocked to find out [we] were the most charming, polite, responsible people they'd ever met. The ratings were big, and they were sort of shocked. They were fascinated by people who actually behaved well. Whereas everybody else on TV, whether it's Paris, God bless her—I think she's an American institution, by the way—or the idiots of Hollywood ... [In the background, Shannon shouts "Losers!" Gene chuckles.] That was Shannon ... she's shy.... When you watch any reality show, it's a train wreck. You're watching dysfunctional people.

Had you watched The Osbournes and thought, Oh, I don't want to get into this ... I don't want to be portrayed this way?
We were fearless about it. We are who we are, and we can't be anybody else. And Ozzy's been a friend for 30 years. I think he's a sweetheart. But neither you nor I can speak about his family. That's his family and that's what he does.

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My favorite part of the show is your kids, Sophie and Nick. They seem to be naturals in front of the camera and don't mind giving you a hard time.
That's no different than when the king of all beasts goes back to his den. He allows—that's with a capital A—his little cubs to come and bite his tail. Then, when he gets back up, something's gonna die. The cubs biting the king's tail doesn't dilute that he's the king of all beasts.

How long have you and Shannon been together?
We've been happily unmarried, this August, 24 years.

And you have no intention of ever getting married?
No. Not interested. If you look at the statistics, it's a disaster. It's like jumping out of a plane and going, well, [the chute] will open most of the time. I'm sorry, what did you just say? It'll open most of the time? You can't even say that about marriage. Most of the time, it won't open.

So you don't like marriage because you think most of them fail?
Well, you don't have any flexibility. The problem with marriage is somebody other than the mother who gave you birth is who you have to answer to. Where are you going, where have you been, stuff like that. That's not gonna fly.

You don't do that with Shannon?
No. In fact, out of both of us, I'm the one who calls her all the time, and she's the one who doesn't want to chat. She's like, "Look, I don't want to talk now, I gotta go do my nails," or something. Well, I just called to see how you are. I'm just a fly around her.

When you were on The Howard Stern Show a few weeks ago, you let it slip that you can still sleep with other women if you want to. Is that true?
All men are the same. I don't care what you say. I don't care how you spin it. You're not going to be able to avoid the blueprint that is within your genetic makeup. You know how many sperm you make daily? Not 100 or 1,000 or 1,000,000. It's hundreds of millions every day. So talk all you want; science doesn't lie.

You did two episodes on the show about getting a face-lift. You've always seemed to have a pretty healthy image of yourself. Why submit to plastic surgery?
Well, I didn't think about it much. I'm a Type A personality. Once I decide to do something, I do it all the way.

If there wasn't a show, would you have still done it?
I wouldn't have done a thing. I was stunning, come on.

Are you satisfied with the results?
I'm more beautiful than ever. And in some ways, it's good for God because the world deserves more beautiful things. And that's me.