In the pros and in the closet: Three gay athletes tell all

When John Amaechi published his memoir, Man in the Middle, earlier this year, he became the first veteran of the NBA to come out of the proverbial closet. What was more surprising than the fact that it took this long for a (former) pro basketball player to acknowledge being gay was the reaction from some of Amaechi's ex-colleagues. Most famously, the incendiary comments from five-time NBA all-star Tim Hardaway: "I hate gay people." It was a Jackie Robinson-like moment for pro hoops, and as for America's top three sports—basketball, football, and baseball—it was only the sixth time that a former pro athlete admitted to being gay. (No player has yet to come out while still active.)

Recently, while on tour promoting his book, John Amaechi took a time-out to join fellow openly gay athletes Esera Tuaolo (former NFLer) and Billy Bean (former MLBer), for a roundtable discussion on what it's like keeping a secret in the pros.

RADAR: Why does the world go absolutely insane when an athlete comes out of the closet?
John Amaechi: I think because the stereotypes around sports and the stereotypes around gay people are so opposite. And that creates a disjoint—people can't imagine that the two things can coexist peacefully in one body.
Esera Tuaolo: Also, there's just not a lot of us out there.
Billy Bean: And if you are a jock and you want to be in sports, you learn to act like everyone else behaves, you learn to act straight.

"There are more gay players out there, but by the time you get to the big leagues in any sport you're a pretty savvy survivor, so you know how to hide your secret"Esera, you suddenly started getting hate-mail after John Amaechi's book came out.
TUAOLO: Yes. When John came out, I was out there speaking on his behalf and welcoming and supporting him in every way. The hateful mail was from people thinking that I wanted to sissify professional sports. Calling us faggots and homos. I'm sick and tired of people thinking that we are a weak community. And then, when Tim Hardaway lashed out against John—I couldn't understand. I could see maybe from a Caucasian person, but for an African-American person to have such hateful words ...

John, I read somewhere that you and Tim Hardaway are going to be doing something on TV together?
AMAECHI: There's an enduring rumor out there that we're going to do Oprah together.

My hope was that it was going to include a no-holds-barred wrestling match.
AMAECHI In terms of basketball, he can beat me soundly, but in terms of wrestling, I think I've got him.
TUAOLO: Believe me, dude, you'll have some backing.

John, what is the strangest question you've been asked on this book tour?
AMAECHI: The questions have actually been pretty insightful from the groups of people who have shown up. I've been really pleased with that. I do get a lot of the locker-room questions, but mostly from the media. Questions about how when you're in the locker room with a lot of ostensibly fit men ... they can't imagine how I could restrain myself. This kind of ignorant questioning is probably the most frustrating for me, the idea that I can't tell the difference between a work environment and a social environment.

Billy, what's the oddest question you've ever been asked in an interview?
BEAN: I was actually once asked if I was a top or a bottom on a radio show, and that was the first time that I think I was embarrassed in public. When you become public, when you "come out," when you invite the public into your private life, there is a sense that you deserve to be asked that question.

I once interviewed Mike Jones, the Denver prostitute who outed Reverend Ted Haggard. In the interview, I asked him if Haggard was a bottom or a power bottom.
BEAN: Why did you think that question was important? To make fun of Ted or to make fun of bottoms? That's what I mean about self-mutilation. I think that's what holds us back. Do you ask a woman if she's a top or a bottom? Not to get off track, but I just think we're making fun of ourselves.

Well, I was making fun of Ted Haggard. Do you think it was wrong to ask the question?
BEAN: Well, I guess if you were asking Ted, but now that he's straight he probably couldn't answer the question. I'm just asking, "Why do we have to be defined into such little cubicles?" As gay people, it seems like our sex lives are on a trophy display, and I think that's what keeps us divided from the mainstream.

"I was actually once asked if I was a top or a bottom on a radio show.... When you 'come out,' there is a sense that you deserve to be asked that question"The three of you are obviously very smart and well-spoken, and that goes against the stereotype of an athlete. Do you think there's some sort of genetic connection there? Is it just a coincidence that gays who have come out in sports happen to be smart?
AMAECHI: I think you have to be able to talk, don't you? We've been in positions where we've had to be able to talk cleverly about our lives and our experiences in a way that perhaps needed to be a little more thoughtful.

John, how did you come up with your book title, Man in the Middle?
AMAECHI: I actually had to fight for the title of my book. Because what they wanted to do, the publishers, was something that was a little more winky, a little more sexual, something that made it sound like a bad porn movie. And I wanted it to be something that was relevant to me. Centers in the NBA are often referred to as the man in the middle. I played center for some time. But also, I think, in terms of my position in society, especially in America, I've always been this displaced person that does not fit into any one box.
BEAN: The first time I did an interview about John coming out, I got asked what I thought that title meant. And the two guys, this was WFAN I think, were trying to make a sexual euphemism or pun from the title, like a sandwich. That's the level that we have to deal with in order to be a role model. It made me angry immediately. I'll say too that I thought, for my title, they just wanted to sell books, and they didn't care if it was humiliating. I was grateful that my publisher finally let me title my book.

Your book is called Going the Other Way.
BEAN: Correct. That's a baseball term, a metaphor. When you're not hitting well, people tell you to "go the other way." To hit the ball to the opposite field. So for me, going the other way was a positive baseball term. But it was also a perfect metaphor for me being a married man as a major league baseball player fighting my inner truths. I got married before I'd ever had a sexual experience with a man, and I thought that was what my life was going to be like. And then I "went the other way," speaking metaphorically to my gayness, and I left baseball, in part, because of that.

I assume you get a lot of athletes who protest a bit too much, bragging about conquests and such in the locker room.
AMAECHI: Oh, I've certainly seen it. But it's probably a professional sports mantra to walk into a locker room and talk about the three ladies you shagged the night before. It's almost part of procedure. I find it amusing half the time. You hear the comments coming from your teammates. And some of it is true, some of these guys are just way oversexed. But some people just protest a little too much.

Do you hear the word faggot a lot in locker rooms?
BEAN: Look at Tim Hardaway. I think he thought he was talking to one guy and not on a radio show and the truth came out, and that's the way those guys can talk in a straight environment. There's more high-fiving and laughing going on because if you're soft about gay stuff you must be a queer. That's what I think young guys think, so they just keep reiterating over and over, "I'm straight, I'm straight."

John, you actually started coming out a bit while you were still playing for the Utah Jazz, in that you would go to gay clubs. Did you know any other NBA players who were gay—did your gaydar ever go off?
AMAECHI: Well, it did go off. I do know guys who are gay in the league, because some of them at some point or another lived similar lives, and we'd end up at the same parties or going to the same place. So I know a few people, but to be honest it's that thing again: When I show up in an arena, or even practice, my external life shuts off and it's all about work and my head is down and it's really more about numbers on a uniform than anything else.

John, how did your going to gay clubs not get out and into the press?

AMAECHI: Oh, I have no idea; there are lots of people who knew. There were reporters who asked me if I was out, and I told them but they didn't report it. And I would go to bars, especially when it was New York or L.A., and the guys at the door would tell me about what a great or terrible game I just played, so, it was an open secret for a long time. People have been talking about me for some years now.

BEAN: I just wasn't comfortable with my sexuality while I was active. I was afraid of dealing with it and thinking about it, so I never went out to a gay bar as a player. I remember a couple times, in spring training, as I was working out late into the night with a couple of minor leaguers, I could kind of tell. But I just ignored it. I was not guaranteed contracts or anything, so I was worried about my job more. There certainly were times though when I heard guys talking about another guy, and I would look and say, "I'm sure that's true." But I would say that to myself. Definitely there are more gay players out there, but by the time you get to the big leagues in any sport you're a pretty savvy survivor, so you know how to manage yourself and take appropriate measures to hide your secret.

TUAOLO: I know we're yearning for somebody to come out while they're still playing. But what has to happen is there needs to be a lot more education out there before a player can come out and be comfortable being himself, because there's so much to lose. People don't realize that. A majority of these athletes playing professional sports come from poor families. It's not like we come from silver spoons. That pro sports career is the only shot at financial security. It's just one of those things where there's so much to lose if an individual comes out.