Radar salutes the world's worst Valentine's Day gifts

RED ALERT "How thoughtful! Brake-fluid-covered cherries"

Ah, Valentine's Day. What other holiday combines romance, obligatory gifts, and terrifying insights into your beloved's capacity for bad taste? The story is sadly familiar: You've started dating somebody, totally bonded over your shared love of the Nixon tapes transcripts, and then, come February 14, your potential life-partner gives you a chocolate penis. Or a NASCAR-themed token of affection (above). Or maybe a candlelit dinner for two at White Castle.

Some mistakes, of course, are forgivable. According to the National Retail Federation, Americans will be bullied into spending an estimated $16.9 billion this Valentine's, with those aged 25 to 34 blowing an average of $164. This marketing juggernaut—so different from Chinese Valentine's Day, aka "The Festival to Plead for Skills," which requires you merely to slice a melon proficiently—can trigger aberrant behavior. If your lover confronts you with heart-shaped measuring spoons, you can always chalk it up to over-excitement or a flaw in the frontal lobe. But nothing can excuse the following Valentine's gift ideas, which, frankly, set a whole new standard for implausibility. Presenting Radar's 24 Most Compelling Reasons to Re-Explore the Single Life.

SADLY, THIS BUD'S FOR YOU Would you prefer that rose meltable or non-meltable?

CREEPY MUTANT ROSES
Real roses are so trite. They don't light up a room, and they rarely
resemble the preserved corpse of Communist legend Vladimir Lenin.
These long-stemmed rose candles ($7.17 per dozen, left) will please sweethearts who love seeing blood-red wax drip on their furniture. And this amazingly deathlike Perfect All-Silver Rose ($109.95, including walnut base, right) is a great way to seduce that cute new necrophiliac at the office without having to kill yourself first.