Radar salutes the world's worst Valentine's Day gifts

RED ALERT "How thoughtful! Brake-fluid-covered cherries"

Ah, Valentine's Day. What other holiday combines romance, obligatory gifts, and terrifying insights into your beloved's capacity for bad taste? The story is sadly familiar: You've started dating somebody, totally bonded over your shared love of the Nixon tapes transcripts, and then, come February 14, your potential life-partner gives you a chocolate penis. Or a NASCAR-themed token of affection (above). Or maybe a candlelit dinner for two at White Castle.

Some mistakes, of course, are forgivable. According to the National Retail Federation, Americans will be bullied into spending an estimated $16.9 billion this Valentine's, with those aged 25 to 34 blowing an average of $164. This marketing juggernaut—so different from Chinese Valentine's Day, aka "The Festival to Plead for Skills," which requires you merely to slice a melon proficiently—can trigger aberrant behavior. If your lover confronts you with heart-shaped measuring spoons, you can always chalk it up to over-excitement or a flaw in the frontal lobe. But nothing can excuse the following Valentine's gift ideas, which, frankly, set a whole new standard for implausibility. Presenting Radar's 24 Most Compelling Reasons to Re-Explore the Single Life.

SADLY, THIS BUD'S FOR YOU Would you prefer that rose meltable or non-meltable?

CREEPY MUTANT ROSES
Real roses are so trite. They don't light up a room, and they rarely
resemble the preserved corpse of Communist legend Vladimir Lenin.
These long-stemmed rose candles ($7.17 per dozen, left) will please sweethearts who love seeing blood-red wax drip on their furniture. And this amazingly deathlike Perfect All-Silver Rose ($109.95, including walnut base, right) is a great way to seduce that cute new necrophiliac at the office without having to kill yourself first.

MASH NOTES Nothing says "I treasure you, babe" like starch

A HEART-SHAPED POTATO
If you're looking for a rare spud with which to depress your lover, try eBay. But hurry: As of early February, only 21 of these sexy freaks-of-nature were available, with bids starting at $1. "Don't let this prize go to someone else," cautions 1052deb, a typical seller. "Who knows how many bags of potatoes will have to be opened to find something this romantic again?" Because, you know, rat-shaped potatoes just aren't romantic.

SWINGERS Two stars from David Lynch's new movie, All About Profound Mental Illness

A ROLE-PLAYING TEDDY BEAR
Actually, we've always wanted a swashbuckling 15-inch stuffed animal like this one from The Vermont Teddy Bear Company ($85.95, left). There's really nothing sexier than cuddling a tiny metal hook. Except, perhaps, watching teddy bear breasts heave inside a red satin bustier: The Red Hot Playbear Bunny ($99.95, right) comes fully equipped with bow tie, soulless eyes, and far too many ears.

AORTA-LICKIN' GOOD When you care enough to send something really veiny

ANATOMICALLY CORRECT CHOCOLATE
This 1-pound solid milk chocolate heart ($15.95, left) certainly makes a thoughtful gift if your sweetheart is a recovering cannibal. If he or she is merely a below-the-waist cannibal, however, this pair of Mr. Stubbs penis pops from Chocolate Fantasies ($2.75 each, right) might be a more loving and appropriate gesture.

GOD LOVES YOU And is planning to greet you in a sexy negligee

A CHRISTIAN EXPRESSION OF LOVE
Sure, he's cute in that older-guy-with-a-Lexus way, but God isn't someone we really want to french kiss. That hasn't stopped Christian capitalists from creating awkwardly romantic gifts "from" Him. The Healing Hands Pendant ($79, left) depicts His paws gripping a blue Swarovski crystal, while the "Valentine's Message from God!" gift bag ($4.69, right) includes a flirty bookmark, a fire-red pen, and a devotional sucker that lets you both praise and lick Him.

SAY IT WITH FRIED EMBRYOS The incredible, edible, romance-killing egg

A SENTIMENTAL FRYING PAN
This British innovation (approximately $12) is available from crazyaboutgadgets.com, which advises Britishly, "Do not leave unattended whilst cooking (obviously)." We'd only add: "Do not give this to anyone you hope to still be dating on February 15 (obviously)."

KNIT ONE, HURL TWO Yes, that is a wounded Civil War teddy bear down there on the left

A STOMACH-TURNING SWEATER
It's as if God asked himself, "Could a sweater ever be as grotesque as a Chilean vampire bat?" and then challenged devout Christian women to astonish him with their knitting needles. These two contenders were spotted on eBay going for $20 to $30. Left: An Eagle's Eye collectible sweater, ideal for Alzheimer's patients who can't remember whether it's Valentine's or the Fourth of July. Right: A nice black sweater by Michael Simon, photographed shortly after it was infested by hearts.

LOVE IS A MANY-SPLENDORED CLOGGED ARTERY Order in or grill yourself

HUNKA BURNING LARD
When it comes to lazy and obviously last-minute gifts, on a scale of 1 to 10, a heart-shaped pizza (left, available at Boston's The Gourmet Pizza, Idaho Pizza, and other chains) is a 10. This is an acceptable present only if you are dating Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing. The heart-shaped steak (right) is both grander and grosser. We're not sure exactly where these are sold, but tragic blogger Jon Siruno found one in Portland, Oregon, last February 14, cooked it for himself, and then posted this bleak serving suggestion.

RAW DEAL "Oh, honey, just what I wanted! Overweight cards!"

DISTURBINGLY LIFELIKE PLAYING CARDS
It's awfully tricky to play poker with these things, which the Oriental Trading Company sells rather aggressively by the dozen ($9.95 for 12). Their tendency to cross their legs flirtatiously makes bluffing tough.

DICK IN AN OVERLY CUNNING BOX Don't blame Andy Samberg

A STEAMY NOVELTY THONG
We're not sure which is more romantic. The Cassandra's Temptations' gift-wrapped-package thong ($9.99, left) is nice, but will clearly cause "visible ribbon line" if worn under even moderately clingy slacks. Meanwhile, the dopey elephant thong ($9.99 from 6Lingerie, right) comes with bonus eyes, but, judging from the photo, is targeted exclusively at double amputees. Oh, why can't anyone make a repellent Valentine's thong that's suitable for everyone?

POTTERY BARF One out of every 965 Americans thinks these are super cute

A SWEET "CANDLE HOUSE"
After opening her gift, your Valentine is not supposed to use it to bash your head in, then fall to the carpet keening like a dying timber wolf. This is a minor risk, however, if you buy her one of Blue Sky Clayworks' delightful "candle houses," intended to enclose glowing tea candles. "True Love" ($28.95, left) symbolizes the profundity of love with ecstatic pigs, while "Let's Play House (Forever)" ($16.95, right) threatens an eternity of looking at "Let's Play House (Forever)."

WHO YOU CALLING A HOE? Let your Valentine feel the earth move

A HEART-SHAPED HOE
Described as a "very special tool," this touching hoe ($32.50, with 5-foot handle) will help your beloved pull weeds, edge borders, break up sod, and break up with you. After all, you gave him/her a hoe! The implications could hardly be clearer.

CLASSY "Honey, I swear! I thought it was a bottle opener!"

A THOUGHTFUL SEX TOY
We got something very similar last Valentine's Day from Satan. Even though he assured us that the "cute heart-shaped handle" would allow us to get a firm grip, we could never think fondly of him again. Perhaps if he'd paid a little extra for the Heart's Delight Glass Dildo (on sale for $34.95, left) which comes with a stylish storage bag, or opted for the glass anal wand (on sale for $48.31, right) which boasts a "sparkling crystal clear look" (at least initially), we'd still be together. Thoughtless Satan.

STONED ALIVE Not what she meant when she said, "I need a little space"

A HIS 'N' HERS GRAVESTONE
Finally, a Valentine's gift to end all gifts: A heart-shaped grave marker ($945 to $2,985, depending on size). Available in four color duos, including "Depressing Taupe and Terrible-Idea Red," this present is especially unwelcome when it comes from a stalker.