Military recruiters are desperate to fill the ranks. But just how desperate? Radar sends in the clowns

In 2005, the U.S. military saw the worst enlistment shortfall since 1979. And it was only through a battery of financial incentives (including a $2,000 referral bonus for offering up one's friends), an expansion of the active duty age limit from 35 to 42, and even a laxer policy on tattoos that the Army was able to rebound in 2006 and barely reach its goals. With the president's January call for a 21,500 troop surge in Iraq, will the military be forced to open its camouflaged arms even wider?

Despairing recruiters have some serious quotas to meet. And for the promise of a fresh, warm body, it seems they're willing to overlook a few flawsTo find out, Radar's Teddy Wayne called recruiting stations around the country disguised as a veritable Breakfast Club of misfit would-be soldiers, all dramatically unqualified or unattractive for service in some way: a flamboyant gay man concerned with the availability of hair pomades in Iraq; a bed-wetting mama's boy who wants to bring his own alarm-rigged plastic sheets; a martial arts freak desperate to unleash throwing stars and nunchakus on Osama; a meth dealer who has "hypothetically" done every drug in the book; a chronic IBS sufferer who subsists mostly on celery; and a lobotomy patient whose side effects include problems with "Decision-Making Ethical Opportunities."

A couple of generations ago, the military would have rejected them faster than you can say quagmire. But despairing recruiters have some serious quotas to meet. And for the promise of a fresh, warm body, it seems they're willing to overlook a few flaws.

The following are transcripts from actual phone calls to military recruiters. The officers' names have been changed to protect the somewhat innocent. This is the first of a two-part series.

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Saving Private Ryan Seacrest
Fashionista Harvey Fierstein is ready to don the camouflage—provided he can accessorize a bit. Does this Colorado recruiter still want him? If you don't ask, we won't tell.

RECRUITER: Can I get your name?
RADAR: Harvey.

And last name?
Fierstein. F-I-E-R-S-T-E-I-N. My issue, it may sound superficial, but I'm a real fashion freak.

You're a real what?
A real fashion freak. I take care of myself, I groom, and my questions are related to that. First of all, do you have to do the whole shaved-head thing?

The whole shaved-head thing ... in basic, yeah, they do do that. As soon as you graduate basic, as long as it falls within the guidelines, any length is good.
I do like a spiky, Ryan Seacrest kind of thing. Is that allowed?

Yeah, that's fine.
Okay, and you can use mousse and gel—

Yeah, it's just before basic training.
I'm concerned about, if I ever go to Iraq, I don't do too well with the humidity, and I use a lot of anti-humectant pomades. I wanted to make sure I could still use those.

Yeah.
Great. The other thing, I'm a real clotheshound, and I gotta admit, I kind of like the uniforms, but I'm not into green for the most part.

Actually, we're wearing a digital pattern now, and it's blue and tan.
Can you spice it up with some yellows or reds?

No, you can't.
Is your underwear also camouflage?

No, that's pretty much up to you.
So you can go wild with underwear—and socks, maybe?

Yeah.
Good, 'cause I've got a lot of red and yellow stripes, I'm a huge yellow and red freak.

I know you said you can't spice up the uniforms, but can you bring along things that give it a little flair, like a silk handkerchief, if it's digital camouflage also? Fashion's your big issue here.
Yeah, it is.

No, I understand that. What kind of job field would you be looking at?
I want to spread freedom. What I feel is that, in Iraq, they're not getting the freedom to choose things like what kind of clothes they can wear, what they can put in their hair, and I want to help them get that opportunity, too. I feel it's unfair.

Well, they're pretty up to date when it comes to hairstyles and stuff like that. Hygiene's a big thing to them. We actually employed several civilian local nationals to cut hair on post when we were in Iraq. So when you'd go to the barber it'd be an Iraqi local that was a barber downtown but he wasn't making enough, or somebody else had a hand over him—whether it was just corruption, period, or he just couldn't practice, but now he was on our base and he's getting paid a decent salary. They were great when it came to hair.
Does he know how to do the Seacrest style? Can he do things like that?

Yeah, he had clippers, he had scissors, he had everything.
He's got all the hair gels, the anti-humectant pomades?

No, he didn't have all that stuff, you have to bring all that on your own.
What's the policy on jewelry?

Jewelry? What are you asking about here?
Earrings, maybe some jangly necklaces, maybe a cravat or something—accessories and jewelry.

Okay, getting back to the fashion thing ... while you're on duty, you're not allowed to wear any earrings.
What about piercings—piercings elsewhere?

Um, no, I really can't speculate on that, but I don't believe they're allowed.
They're not visible, though. No one, except maybe a few people, would ever see it.

It's against the regulations, so I'm gonna have to say no. But I can't speak for the whole army. I can only tell you that it's wrong, and if you hide it, you hide it.
Trust me, honey, no one's gonna see this one. You know what I mean?

You know what, Harvey, I need to get some info from you to find out if you're even qualified for the military, because usually only three out of ten are qualified to process, and one out of ten actually make it.
Well, I'm a one-out-of-ten kind of guy.

[Laughs] All right. Let's hope so here. Can I get your date of birth?
2/18/79.

Good year. I'm born the same year.
Maybe we've partied before without knowing it.

I've just moved into the area. I haven't really made it out at all. My wife won't let me—
I've only been here a couple of weeks, too. Where do you go out?

Uh, I really haven't been out too much ... any college?
I went to a fashion school for about six months and dropped out. It really wasn't my thing. Sorry, I know you answered a lot of these questions before—I know you said you can't spice up the uniforms, but can you bring along things that give it a little flair, like a silk handkerchief, if it's digital camouflage also?

Again, Harvey, that's job-dependent. If my guys are working in the motor pool and it's hot out and they want to throw a handkerchief over their head to keep the sweat from hitting their eyes, I have no problem with it.
Oh, I wouldn't put it over my head. I'm talking about in the front pocket, a little shimmy.

No—when you're in formation, this uniformity is required. When I was at Bragg, you couldn't roll your sleeves.
In the summertime, I even have a camouflage military tank top, plus some denim cut-offs and flip-flops.

Off the clock, that's not an issue.
Does the army have designers who help design the next generation of the hot military wear?

We really don't have anything like that right now.
That would be my preferred job. I heard some other thing—missions called "escorts." Is that a correct term?

Don't know.
'Cause I have experience in that. I just heard about this the other day on CNN.

Okay, before I get job-specific, let me make sure you're fully qualified. You haven't had any health issues, have you?
No, just—let's put it this way, things from a couple late nights of clubbing.

Okay. Ever taken any prescription medication?
Just to cure what ails ya from the clubbing nights.

Okay. You ever been in trouble with the police?
No, except for two guys—it wasn't real police, they were dressed up like police at a club one night, they were kind of—

Okay.
—they were in costume, but they weren't real police, but—

Yeah.
—I got into something—

Have you ever had anything expelled, expunged, dismissed, dropped, stricken from your record?
Oh, I thought you were gonna say expelled from my body. No, not that I know of.

And what's your current height and weight?
Five-ten, 160, tight. The one other question I had, I keep hearing about this "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Is that, like, bitchy gossip?

Actually, for something like that I'm gonna have to refer you here to my station commander. Let me put you on hold, you can talk to him. [Same recruiter comes back in a few minutes.] Now, what was that question, real quick, one more time?
I hear a lot about "don't ask, don't tell" policy, I want to know if that means bitchy gossip in the locker room.

No, I've gotten the guidelines from my boss here. They do not allow homosexuality in the military service, but because of that policy, that policy states that we are prohibited to ask, and if somebody of that sexual orientation would like to serve their country, they can enlist, but they're prohibited to tell their sexual orientation, and they're prohibited to demonstrate it.
Can you ask other soldiers about it?

I do this thing, it's dance-rollerblading. A bunch of guys get together, they dance to techno, house music, early-90s house. Could I maybe start up a club like that in the army?No.
Can you make hints?

No. That's defined as a statement, an act, or anything to that nature.
It couldn't be like, cough once for yes, cough twice for no?

No. That would still be asking, in a sense.
All right.

Let me grab a little more info from you. You don't have any kids, do you?
No, definitely not. Not gonna happen anytime soon, either.

Never been married?
I don't think I'm allowed.

Job field-wise, there's really no place in the military for design, or changing the uniform—
That was just my dream job. I could still just be a soldier.

Okay, we can't really change the uniforms—
But you can wear the red-and-yellow underwear, that kind of stuff.

Yeah, that's all you ... I need a little something to work with here. Hobbies, you know, things that we can look at different job careers for you.
I love rollerblading—

What kind of rollerblading?
I do this thing, it's dance-rollerblading. A bunch of guys get together, they dance to techno, house music, early-90s house. Is there something like that? Could I maybe start up a club like that in the army?

No. I did skate when I was in the army with a couple of buddies. So there are skate parks out there.
This thing doesn't take much space, you get a bunch of guys together, they put on some early-90s British house, you just dance on the blades for, like, hours.

All right.
Other hobbies, I'm into the opera, I'm into travel.

On your free time, you're welcome to travel wherever. My little brother's in Germany, and he travels all over Europe.
Oh, I've heard Hamburg is wild. I'd love to go there.

What about military police?
I'm not great with discipline stuff, except in certain role-play situations.

Okay. Well, what time should I tell my station commander here for Friday?
Maybe Friday afternoon.

What do you think about three o'clock?
I'll have to talk to my friend first.

All right, well, I'll see you then.