Military recruiters are desperate to fill the ranks. But just how desperate? Radar sends in the clowns

COY SOLDIERS By necessity, recruiters are crafty salesmen, but will they turn a blind eye to close the deal?

In 2005, the U.S. military saw the worst enlistment shortfall since 1979. And it was only through a battery of financial incentives (including a $2,000 referral bonus for offering up one's friends), an expansion of the active duty age limit from 35 to 42, and even a laxer policy on tattoos that the Army was able to rebound in 2006 and barely reach its goals. With the president's January call for a 21,500 troop surge in Iraq, will the military be forced to open its camouflaged arms even wider?

Despairing recruiters have some serious quotas to meet. And for the promise of a fresh, warm body, it seems they're willing to overlook a few flawsTo find out, Radar's Teddy Wayne called recruiting stations around the country disguised as a veritable Breakfast Club of misfit would-be soldiers, all dramatically unqualified or unattractive for service in some way: a flamboyant gay man concerned with the availability of hair pomades in Iraq; a bed-wetting mama's boy who wants to bring his own alarm-rigged plastic sheets; a martial arts freak desperate to unleash throwing stars and nunchakus on Osama; a meth dealer who has "hypothetically" done every drug in the book; a chronic IBS sufferer who subsists mostly on celery; and a lobotomy patient whose side effects include problems with "Decision-Making Ethical Opportunities."

A couple of generations ago, the military would have rejected them faster than you can say quagmire. But despairing recruiters have some serious quotas to meet. And for the promise of a fresh, warm body, it seems they're willing to overlook a few flaws.

The following are transcripts from actual phone calls to military recruiters. The officers' names have been changed to protect the somewhat innocent. This is the first of a two-part series.

RECRUITER: Can I get your name?
RADAR: Harvey.

And last name?
Fierstein. F-I-E-R-S-T-E-I-N. My issue, it may sound superficial, but I'm a real fashion freak.

You're a real what?
A real fashion freak. I take care of myself, I groom, and my questions are related to that. First of all, do you have to do the whole shaved-head thing?

The whole shaved-head thing ... in basic, yeah, they do do that. As soon as you graduate basic, as long as it falls within the guidelines, any length is good.
I do like a spiky, Ryan Seacrest kind of thing. Is that allowed?

Yeah, that's fine.
Okay, and you can use mousse and gel—

Yeah, it's just before basic training.
I'm concerned about, if I ever go to Iraq, I don't do too well with the humidity, and I use a lot of anti-humectant pomades. I wanted to make sure I could still use those.

Yeah.
Great. The other thing, I'm a real clotheshound, and I gotta admit, I kind of like the uniforms, but I'm not into green for the most part.

Actually, we're wearing a digital pattern now, and it's blue and tan.
Can you spice it up with some yellows or reds?

No, you can't.
Is your underwear also camouflage?

No, that's pretty much up to you.
So you can go wild with underwear—and socks, maybe?

Yeah.
Good, 'cause I've got a lot of red and yellow stripes, I'm a huge yellow and red freak.

I know you said you can't spice up the uniforms, but can you bring along things that give it a little flair, like a silk handkerchief, if it's digital camouflage also? Fashion's your big issue here.
Yeah, it is.

No, I understand that. What kind of job field would you be looking at?
I want to spread freedom. What I feel is that, in Iraq, they're not getting the freedom to choose things like what kind of clothes they can wear, what they can put in their hair, and I want to help them get that opportunity, too. I feel it's unfair.

Well, they're pretty up to date when it comes to hairstyles and stuff like that. Hygiene's a big thing to them. We actually employed several civilian local nationals to cut hair on post when we were in Iraq. So when you'd go to the barber it'd be an Iraqi local that was a barber downtown but he wasn't making enough, or somebody else had a hand over him—whether it was just corruption, period, or he just couldn't practice, but now he was on our base and he's getting paid a decent salary. They were great when it came to hair.
Does he know how to do the Seacrest style? Can he do things like that?

Yeah, he had clippers, he had scissors, he had everything.
He's got all the hair gels, the anti-humectant pomades?

No, he didn't have all that stuff, you have to bring all that on your own.
What's the policy on jewelry?

Jewelry? What are you asking about here?
Earrings, maybe some jangly necklaces, maybe a cravat or something—accessories and jewelry.

Okay, getting back to the fashion thing ... while you're on duty, you're not allowed to wear any earrings.
What about piercings—piercings elsewhere?

Um, no, I really can't speculate on that, but I don't believe they're allowed.
They're not visible, though. No one, except maybe a few people, would ever see it.

It's against the regulations, so I'm gonna have to say no. But I can't speak for the whole army. I can only tell you that it's wrong, and if you hide it, you hide it.
Trust me, honey, no one's gonna see this one. You know what I mean?

You know what, Harvey, I need to get some info from you to find out if you're even qualified for the military, because usually only three out of ten are qualified to process, and one out of ten actually make it.
Well, I'm a one-out-of-ten kind of guy.

[Laughs] All right. Let's hope so here. Can I get your date of birth?
2/18/79.

Good year. I'm born the same year.
Maybe we've partied before without knowing it.

I've just moved into the area. I haven't really made it out at all. My wife won't let me—
I've only been here a couple of weeks, too. Where do you go out?

Uh, I really haven't been out too much ... any college?
I went to a fashion school for about six months and dropped out. It really wasn't my thing. Sorry, I know you answered a lot of these questions before—I know you said you can't spice up the uniforms, but can you bring along things that give it a little flair, like a silk handkerchief, if it's digital camouflage also?

TOP GUN When it comes to privates, Harvey has a very welcoming unit

No—when you're in formation, this uniformity is required. When I was at Bragg, you couldn't roll your sleeves.
In the summertime, I even have a camouflage military tank top, plus some denim cut-offs and flip-flops.

Off the clock, that's not an issue.
Does the army have designers who help design the next generation of the hot military wear?

We really don't have anything like that right now.
That would be my preferred job. I heard some other thing—missions called "escorts." Is that a correct term?

Don't know.
'Cause I have experience in that. I just heard about this the other day on CNN.

Okay, before I get job-specific, let me make sure you're fully qualified. You haven't had any health issues, have you?
No, just—let's put it this way, things from a couple late nights of clubbing.

Okay. Ever taken any prescription medication?
Just to cure what ails ya from the clubbing nights.

Okay. You ever been in trouble with the police?
No, except for two guys—it wasn't real police, they were dressed up like police at a club one night, they were kind of—

Okay.
—they were in costume, but they weren't real police, but—

Yeah.
—I got into something—

Have you ever had anything expelled, expunged, dismissed, dropped, stricken from your record?
Oh, I thought you were gonna say expelled from my body. No, not that I know of.

And what's your current height and weight?
Five-ten, 160, tight. The one other question I had, I keep hearing about this "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Is that, like, bitchy gossip?

Actually, for something like that I'm gonna have to refer you here to my station commander. Let me put you on hold, you can talk to him. [Same recruiter comes back in a few minutes.] Now, what was that question, real quick, one more time?
I hear a lot about "don't ask, don't tell" policy, I want to know if that means bitchy gossip in the locker room.

No, I've gotten the guidelines from my boss here. They do not allow homosexuality in the military service, but because of that policy, that policy states that we are prohibited to ask, and if somebody of that sexual orientation would like to serve their country, they can enlist, but they're prohibited to tell their sexual orientation, and they're prohibited to demonstrate it.
Can you ask other soldiers about it?

I do this thing, it's dance-rollerblading. A bunch of guys get together, they dance to techno, house music, early-90s house. Could I maybe start up a club like that in the army?No.
Can you make hints?

No. That's defined as a statement, an act, or anything to that nature.
It couldn't be like, cough once for yes, cough twice for no?

No. That would still be asking, in a sense.
All right.

Let me grab a little more info from you. You don't have any kids, do you?
No, definitely not. Not gonna happen anytime soon, either.

Never been married?
I don't think I'm allowed.

Job field-wise, there's really no place in the military for design, or changing the uniform—
That was just my dream job. I could still just be a soldier.

Okay, we can't really change the uniforms—
But you can wear the red-and-yellow underwear, that kind of stuff.

Yeah, that's all you ... I need a little something to work with here. Hobbies, you know, things that we can look at different job careers for you.
I love rollerblading—

What kind of rollerblading?
I do this thing, it's dance-rollerblading. A bunch of guys get together, they dance to techno, house music, early-90s house. Is there something like that? Could I maybe start up a club like that in the army?

No. I did skate when I was in the army with a couple of buddies. So there are skate parks out there.
This thing doesn't take much space, you get a bunch of guys together, they put on some early-90s British house, you just dance on the blades for, like, hours.

All right.
Other hobbies, I'm into the opera, I'm into travel.

On your free time, you're welcome to travel wherever. My little brother's in Germany, and he travels all over Europe.
Oh, I've heard Hamburg is wild. I'd love to go there.

What about military police?
I'm not great with discipline stuff, except in certain role-play situations.

Okay. Well, what time should I tell my station commander here for Friday?
Maybe Friday afternoon.

What do you think about three o'clock?
I'll have to talk to my friend first.

All right, well, I'll see you then.

RECRUITER: What's your name?
RADAR: Charlie Koop.

Any kids?
Nope.

None that you know of.
I can't. I'm sterile, actually.

Uh ... any health problems?
That's actually what I want to talk to you about. I don't know what the restrictions are, but I've got some minor things that are a nuisance in my life here.

But you must have other soldiers who have this kind of explosive diarrhea when they eat certain foodsLike what?
I've got hay fever, for instance.

Everybody's got hay fever.
Okay. I've got halitosis. Pretty severe halitosis.

Chew some mints.
Okay. I've got pretty bad dandruff.

Dry skin.
Just dandruff. It flakes off on my shoulders. I don't know that if you're wearing a camouflage uniform, if it would suddenly make you more visible.

No. Anything else?
Yeah, I've got some IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Jeez, man, you got all kinds of problems!
Yeah, but these are minor things. Definite no-nos are dairy and wheat, and if I get salt or sugar, too much salt or sugar, I get bad diarrhea. Here, I eat a lot of vegetable roots. Two out of my three meals are some kind of thing involving celery and radishes.

You ever see a doctor about this?
Sure, he prescribed the celery—I eat celery-shake mixes all the time, and I'm curious if you could bring those over to Iraq, or if they have them there already.

For any health issues, we collect documentation from your doctor, we send it down to our doctor, and he signs off yes or no.
Do you know yourself if you're allowed to bring your own food over there, like celery-shake mixes? To Iraq.

You could have 'em mailed over, sure.
Great. Do you know if they have celery fields there? That's the one thing I can really eat the most of, is celery. If they have celery fields already in Iraq that I could maybe harvest—

You can Google that one, I don't know. You can have 'em mailed over.
Yeah, but it's best if it's fresh, of course. You take, like, 10 or 12 celery stalks, you mix it up in a blender—

That's all you eat?!
For breakfast and lunch, and then I have a sensible dinner. Usually, some radishes, some potatoes.

You're all veggies?
Pretty much, 'cause meat usually has salt in it, and like I said, I get explosive diarrhea with that. So I try and stay away from the meat.

What we'd do is, I'd have you sign a release of information, I could fax it down to [your doctor's] office, and he faxes me all the documentation up here.
But you must have other soldiers who have this kind of explosive diarrhea when they eat certain foods.

It depends on what you eat. Hell, I can get it sometimes.
Yeah, but I'm telling you, I'm lactose intolerant, I'm celiac, I'm salt- and sugar-resistant—it's called "The Fearsome Foursome." That's the term for people like me.

I get hives when I'm in stressful situations, a big outbreak of hives everywhere. If I went to Iraq, would there be a placement somewhere that would avoid stress?Yeah.
Is there, like, a Fearsome Foursome support group over there? Someone I could talk to to see—

Uh, probably not. Next question. You ever been in trouble with the cops?
One time I accidentally ate something I shouldn't have eaten, had an accident, and the cops thought I was showing them up, because it smelled bad, but it was really just an accident.

You ate something?
I had a Twizzler one day, which I didn't realize had so much sugar in it. I was talking with a cop, I had an accident in front of him, he thought I was being funny, when it was really just 'cause I ate the Twizzler.

[Laughs] Did he take you to jail or anything?
They took me down, because he thought I was doing something to show him up, but I produced some documentation—my doctor had to come in, actually, and say, "No, if he eats sugar at all, he'll have explosive diarrhea."

Oh, good Lord.
The only other medical issue I have, really, that might cause a problem, I get hives when I'm in stressful situations, a big outbreak of hives everywhere. If I went to Iraq, would there be a placement somewhere that would avoid stress?

I can't guarantee you're going to Iraq. You got a lot of health issues. I mean, the hay fever is no big deal. The halitosis is no big deal. Dry skin, no big deal. The irritable bowels, that's an issue.
If I can get my celery shakes, I can eat those three times a day, really, and that's all I need.

You're gonna have to come in and see me.
I get stressed out for interviews and stuff like that—I might have the hives on me then. It's a job interview kind of thing, it may not happen during a war.

I'll tell you what, call me back, let me know when you can come around the office.
Sounds good. Thanks.

RECRUITER: What concerns did you say you have?
RADAR: What I'm mostly concerned with is the army's policy on past drug use, when it's unintentional drug use. I've taken some drugs when I was younger—accidentally—and I want to know the army's policy on that.

What kind of stuff do you have on your record?
Nothing on my record, no one else knows about it.

You haven't been in trouble for it?
No. It was always ... someone would give it to me, they would tell me it was something else—I'm not gonna say I did it, but say they gave me mushrooms. They would say, "These are normal mushrooms, eat them," and I'd think it was a food to eat, and it would turn out to be mushrooms the drug. But that's hypothetically speaking.

As long as there's no record of it, you know? There's no way to really track it, as long as you haven't been in trouble for it, but the military doesn't tolerate drug use.
Yeah, this is all in the past, but hypothetically, if you did something like 'shrooms, or if you hypothetically did speed, or maybe acid, or opium, or meth, or methadone—would they have any issues with that, if it was in the past? If it's not on your record?

I'm talking about—hypothetically—X, or foxy, or salvia divinorum, or peyote, or, like, you know, 'ludes, nitrous oxide, whippets, Benadryl, things like that, coke, you know, hashishIf you tell us about it, we'll have to do background checks and everything.
I'm not saying I did it, I'm saying, hypothetically.

Yeah. As long as there's no record of it, there's no way for anybody to pin anything on you to cause any problems, you know what I'm saying?
Even the bigger ones, though? I'm talking about—hypothetically—X, or foxy, or salvia divinorum, or peyote, or, like, you know, 'ludes, nitrous oxide, whippets, Benadryl, things like that, coke, you know, hashish—hypothetically, if you did these things, but no one's ever caught you, it's a sort of "don't ask, don't tell" policy?

Um, well, I'll say, if you tell us about it, we'll have to do background checks, but as long as there's nothing on your record, we can get waivers for it.
Okay, great. Yeah, no, I never did those, just wanted to know.

Yeah. So, you haven't done anything?
No. Clean as a whistle.

Okay. How long have you been at your current address?
Just a couple of weeks. I like to pass in, pass out kind of thing. I'm unemployed now, or official unemployment—I make some money on the side. I'm not officially employed, but I do some stuff on the side to get some cash, so I've been moving around, going where the supply-demand thing works.

Yeah, okay. And your height and weight?
About five-ten, and my weight fluctuates depending on what I've been doing, I sometimes get down there to about 140, then I eat food again for a while and get up to 160, but when I'm in certain phases, I'll drop some pounds.

What do you think your weight is now?
Right now I'm doing okay, 155. I've been healthy and stuff, but every few months, I'll get on a binge of losing weight.

Your religion?
Spiritual, it's more than anything else. I get in touch with the mystical side of things, now and then.

Okay. Have any kids?
Not that I know of.

Have you gone to college any?
I was in Bronx Community College, mostly to make some contacts, and get some names of students, but I left after a few months.

Have you had any medical problems since birth?
Just minor glaucoma which has since cleared up.

How old were you?
About 16 or so, and I knocked it out pretty quickly.

Anything else?
Every so often I get the shakes a little bit, in my hands, but it's mostly not an issue.

Okay.
And now and then, in a way for other people it's a nightmare, for me, it might be while I'm awake, I'll have a sort of daymare—I'll have an image of something from the past that comes up and haunts me. Every six months or so, I'll have a five-minute episode where I think I'm somewhere else, and I have to be restrained a little bit.

Okay. So you have ever taken any kind of behavioral medication?
You mean, like, prescription?

My friend is thinking about coming in as well. We're doing some projects on our own, in his laboratory here, so I don't know if your coming here might disrupt things Uh, yeah.
No, nothing prescription, no.

Have you taken any other thing that's not prescription?
Um ... nope.

Okay. Do you have any tattoos?
One time, I got kind of wild, I got a tattoo of a needle on my ankle. Like a syringe needle, not a sewing needle.

Syringe needle on ... which ankle?
Right ankle. It starts on the ankle and goes down and points to an area between two of the toes.

Okay. Have you had any law violations, including traffic tickets, even on your juvenile record?
Nothing I've been caught for, so, no.

[Laughs] Okay. Would you be able to come in and set up an appointment with us?
I could ask my friend if he could give me a ride. Are you guys open on Friday?

That's all right, I could come and get you.
My friend is thinking about coming in as well. We're doing some projects on our own, in his laboratory here, so I don't know if your coming here might disrupt things. He likes to keep his lab kind of clean.

What kind of lab?
He just does a lot of science experiments, that kind of thing.

Oh. Is he going to school for that type of stuff or something?
He took a class—it's sort of recreational now. Sort of a fun little hobby on the side. But I'll call you back today or tomorrow.

Okay, go ahead and give me a call back as soon as you find out, and I can set up my schedule this week. I'm sure I can fit you guys in.
Great, thank you.

All Illustrations: Frank Stockton