John Waters on love, marriage, and other nasty things

Ever since Divine took a big bite of dog shit in Pink Flamingos in 1972—and yes, it was real dog shit—subversive filmmaking has been playing catch up. Director John Waters, patron saint of "good bad taste," as he calls it, has been the de facto smirking leader of the genre ever since, making movies that are as instantly recognizable as his pencil-thin moustache. But just because Waters is an authority on such outré behaviors as teabagging and tromboning, does that mean you'd let him score the soundtrack to your Saturday night make-out session?

With his latest creation, Waters aims to do just that. A Date With John Waters, out February 6 on New Line Records, is a compilation of what the Prince of Puke considers to be timeless love songs—ballads like "Johnny Are You Queer" by Josie Cotton and "I'd Love to Take Orders From You" by Mildred Bailey. Radar caught up with Mr. Waters to see what romantic advice he might have for us.

"I'm not sure if it's riskier since 9/11 to send animal parts to people as a token of your love"RADAR: Valentine's Day is just weeks away and the pressure to suddenly become a romantic person is ridiculous. Any pointers?
JOHN WATERS: Now Valentine's Day, the only thing I ever used to do was send a gift-wrapped chicken heart from a butcher to people I was in love with.

Does it work?
Most of the kind of people who I would have crushes on take it the right way. And it's not that big—a chicken heart is little. I go and get a little ring box and they open it and it's just repellent. And by the time you get it, you have to just throw it out because it stinks by then. I mean, I mail it overnight delivery—I don't mail it fourth-class book rate. But FedExing might be trouble, because they'll have dogs sniff it. I haven't done it since 9/11. I'm not sure if it's riskier since 9/11 to send animal parts to people as a token of your love.

What's your idea of a perfect date?
Robbing a 7-Eleven, getting away with it, and having great sex afterward while listening to music.

Are John Waters movies good date movies?
I think they are. I've met couples whose first date was one of my movies and they've gotten married. They have matching Divine tattoos. But I guess it could also be kind of like in Taxi Driver where Robert De Niro takes Cybill Shepherd to a porn movie—some people would hate you for it, but you might as well get that date over with quickly anyway.

I always find a movie date awkward, because afterward you have to think of something to say about the film.
Well all dating is ludicrous. You have to go out in packs like kids do today. I think a movie is good to do the next day if you got lucky.

Right, because often, the date movie is just a means to an end, really.
Sure, but still, you can't just put on anything. You wouldn't put on Irreversible as a first-date movie. I have the soundtrack to that, actually. "Honey, let's build a fire and listen to the Irreversible soundtrack."

You've said before that one basically has to commit crimes in the making of a film to be subversive anymore.
Well, I think the only really subversive movie I've ever made was Hairspray, because it tricked families into going into John Waters World.

"The perfect date? Robbing a 7-Eleven, getting away with it, and having great sex afterward while listening to music"And now they're lined up on Broadway with their 12-year-old children waiting to see it.
Sobbing! I've seen whole families sobbing.

Before or afterward?
All through it! Sobbing with happiness. They used to be sobbing in horror. They're still crying, just for different reasons. Oh, times have changed.

But your movies remain disturbing. I'm always surprised when I'm shocked by your movies because it's hard to be shocked by anything anymore.
Well, I don't think Pink Flamingos got any easier to watch. The only thing in it that time has affected is that today all lesbians buy children. Back then, lesbians buying children was shocking, and today they have more children than Catholics. Keep 'em impregnated down in the cellar.