(Continued...)

Those Who Trespass: A Novel of Television and Murder (1998)

By: Bill O'Reilly
The Plot: A former newsman exacts murderous revenge on those who derailed his career. Events bear an uncomfortable resemblance to those in the author's own life.
Rave Reviews: "There's not much suspense in this rambling tale.... Stilted dialogue, overwritten descriptions, far-fetched motivations, and jumps backward and forward in time make this novel tough going."—Les Roberts, the Cleveland Plain Dealer
Required Icky Erotic Excerpt: "Shannon stared at the woman in front of him. Not only was she holding her breasts aloft, she was gently caressing them. Teasing him. His eyes swept over her. She was beautiful. Her light skin was growing slightly red. He knew she was getting extremely aroused." Also: "You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back to me and I would take the little loofa thing..." No, wait, sorry. That last one was an excerpt from the sexual harassment complaint filed by O'Reilly Factor producer Andrea Mackris, six years later. Our mistake.
What Would Have Been Better: "What, you've got a vibrator, don't you? Every girl does," an excerpt from the same sexual harassment suit.
Price on Amazon: $.11

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Making the Best Apple Cider (1983)

By: Annie Proulx
The Plot: Pretty self-explanatory. Prior to her tales of lonesome heroes in faraway places, Proulx published a surprisingly extensive series of household guides, including other books on making fences, cooking one's own dairy food, and the art of bartering.
Excerpt: "The heady fragrance of fresh sweet cider running from the press is a wonderful blend of mellow apples, the faintly acidic scent of fallen leaves."
Rave Reviews: "Small booklet giving an overview of various aspects of cidermaking. Not as good as the author's larger book on Cider, but then it's a lot cheaper!"—A website called The Scrumpy User Guide.
Before there were Cowboys, There was Cider: Proulx has written extensively on the subject, there's even a follow-up: Sweet and Hard Cider: Making It, Using It, & Enjoying It. Are you looking for a joke about how she wished she could quit cider? Forget it.
Price on Amazon: $1.64

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Murder at City Hall (1995)
By: Edward I. Koch with Herbert Resnicow

The Plot: "Koch models his fictional sleuth—older than some, younger than a few—after himself as the idealized, perpetual mayor of New York City. During a City Hall wedding at which the mayor officiates, a guest murders a much-hated real-estate figure, and Koch becomes a prime suspect. The genial but hardly modest Koch retaliates by tracking down the true killer. He is helped by secretary Rosemary and good friend Lolly,"—Library Journal. In case it wasn't clear, the name of the protagonist is the mayor of New York who happens to be named Ed Koch. (Koch's term as mayor ended in 1989.)

Excerpt: "You're a genius, Ed. Do you know that?" says Lolly, complimenting him on his triumphant sleuthing. "Of course I know that," he replies. "Why do you think I'm the Mayor?"

Rave Reviews: "Koch, who likes to brag 'I don't get headaches; I give headaches' lives up to his word here," offered Publisher's Weekly. USA Today described it as "Koch's 'Murder' most foul."

Price on Amazon: $.01