The Underminer's guide to Christmas

Wait. Don't tell me. It's only five days until Christmas and you still haven't done your shopping. Well, I'm glad you told me. I sort of knew you were going to say that—being thoughtful was never your forte—so I took the liberty of drawing up a list of fun, easy gifts for some of the people you have in your life. Of course, I finished my shopping in July, when I took that trip to the Philippines with a small part of the MacArthur "genius" grant I received last year. But I won't confuse you with the complicated, meaningful, handmade presents I came back with—besides, even if you had the wherewithal to take such a journey, no one would ever believe you actually went. In any case, I hope the following list of gifting suggestions helps to ease your holiday stress. I can see it's already taken quite a toll on your complexion. You poor thing.

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For your Guilt Riddled Broker Friend: A Charitable Donation In His Name

After college, he went right to Wall Street and, on a whim, invested in a company that makes batteries for mobile phones. Shortly thereafter, he was taking a helicopter to work, enjoying a million dollar Christmas bonus, and irreverently resting his beer bottles on his newly purchased Tom Sachs masterpiece. He seems to have everything. Except a guiltless heart. He would never admit to it, but your friend's investments thrive off the modern slavework of Sierra Leone children paid 10 cents a day to dig for diamonds in dangerous mines. What to give him? Why not a sponsorship to Plan International in his name? Plan International pairs a rich white person with the person who supplies him: a poor and underprivileged child in a Third World country exploited by the First World. If you want to go that extra step, be sure to pair him with one of the Sierra Leonean children he's been personally exploiting. It might just help your friend find peace.


All Illustrations: Gia-Bao Tran

"The Underminer's Guide to Christmas" was inspired by the book The Underminer: The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life, by Mike Albo, with Virginia Heffernan (Bloomsbury)