Radar uncovers the primate plot to take over the world

When New Delhi announced plans for a "monkey arms race" this October—a program in which large, dangerous langurs are to be deployed in an effort to combat the smaller rhesus monkeys roaming the city—the world was shocked. But the announcement merely made official a terrifying pattern of primate violence and unchecked technological development that's been escalating for years. Monkeys haven't just gone berserk: They've got their beady little eyes set on total annihilation of the human race. And their bid for global domination has been happening right under our noses—it's just a matter of connecting the dots. If you don't believe us, take a look at this ominous timeline, compiled from real news reports. Civilization itself may hang in the balance.

PHASE ONE: MONKEY INTEL AND COMMUNICATIONS INFRASTRUCTURE CREATED

Apr. 2000: Aggressive monkeys in Delhi, India, steal cheese and government documents. It begins.

Nov. 2000: A monkey operates a robot arm over the Internet via electrodes attached to his brain, effectively creating the first monkey cyborg. We're skipping ahead, but in 2025 they will send a monkey Terminator back in time to stop this creature before he can start the resistance.

July 2001: Zookeepers in Stirling, Scotland, receive dozens of late-night phone calls, consisting of panting and hooting, from a chimpanzee named Chippy who turns out to have stolen a zookeeper's cell phone. But what other numbers did he dial? The call logs remain classified.

Apr. 2002: Scores of monkeys invade a girls' college in Darjeeling, India, shredding thousands of books and slapping and clawing students (monkeys go for the face). It's the opening salvo in what will become known as the anthropoid's Total Information Control strategy.

June 2002: Paul McCartney, like Peter Gabriel before him, jams with keyboard-tickling bonobos at the Language Research Center in Atlanta, performing "Eleanor Rigby." It's only a matter of time before they learn to press keys that produce not music, but nuclear war.

Nov. 2002: Not to be outdone, Koko, the sign-language-using gorilla, releases a music CD entitled Fine Animal Gorilla with significant help from her keepers. Though it sounds like gibberish to human ears, when played backwards the record appears to drive monkeys into a focused rage.

PHASE TWO: PROXY WARS IN THIRD WORLD

Nov. 2002: A Thai village facing repeated invasion by marauding monkeys deploys a large, domesticated guard monkey to fight off the invaders. The guard beast is eventually overwhelmed.

Dec. 2002: Faced with repeated assaults on a single village, Japanese officials warn citizens "not to make eye contact" with the monkey attackers, which only serves to piss them off more.

Mar. 2003: Morocco offers 2,000 trained monkeys to U.S. troops for use in sweeping minefields in Iraq, unwittingly supplying the primates with the battlefield experience they've been seeking.

PHASE THREE: PRIMATE "LONG MARCH" THROUGH HUMAN CULTURAL INSTITUTIONS

May 2003: Researchers at Plymouth University in England let a group of crested macaques type at a keyboard. The macaques do not produce the works of Shakespeare, instead hitting a few favorite keys repeatedly, defecating on the computer, and hitting it with a rock. No doubt an ingenius ploy to throw humans off.

June 2003: The biannual Venice art festival includes a live chimp attempting to spell out the word "utopia" with movable letters. But it's far more likely that he was trying to spell "uccidere" the Italian the word for "to kill" or "wipe out."

July 2003: A pair of male monkeys on display at an animal-themed party at the Hugo Boss showroom in Manhattan hiss and scream at women but cuddle up to human males. Immersion is complete.

PHASE FOUR: HUMANITY COUNTERATTACKS, PRIMATES ENGAGE IN COVERT OPERATIONS

Aug. 2003: Scientists acquire evidence of a newly discovered ape species in Congo, slightly larger than an average gorilla and with a flatter face, but have difficulty getting clear photos due to the creature's skittishness and aggressive tendencies. The super-species may have been a product of secret monkey bio-military labs.

Sept. 2003: A gorilla named Little Joe escapes from the Boston Zoo, injures two girls, and waits at a nearby bus stop until he's recaptured. His superiors later urge him to "have patience, for the revolution is nigh."

Oct. 2003: A large, diaper-wearing chimp named Travis plays in traffic and resists arrest in Stamford, Connecticut. To the monkeys, it's most likely a signal of some sort.

Jan. 2004: The government of Singapore marks the start of the traditional Year of the Monkey (one bristles at the significance) by urging citizens to imitate monkey virtues of quickness and cleverness. Insulted by the gesture, monkeys move their plans into high gear.

Mar. 2004: A gorilla is shot to death by police after escaping the Dallas Zoo, setting off a wave of fervent anti-human sentiment. Monkey riots break out in zoos across the country.

PHASE FIVE (ENDGAME): PRIMATES ASSERT THEIR EQUALITY TO MAN

July 2004: A monkey in Israel suffering from brain damage begins walking upright. That's the cover story, anyway.

Mar. 2005: Two chimps are shot at a California nature center after eating off most of a man's face—because he and his wife had brought a birthday cake for a different chimp. That, or the savage fiends have developed a taste for earthy vegan flesh.

Apr. 2005: A tactical roboticist with an Arizona SWAT team announces plans to train a police monkey, earmarking $100,000 for the task.

Apr. 2006: In a possible bid for control of the global economy, chimps go on a rampage in Sierra Leone, sending four tourists to the hospital and one local taxi driver to the grave. Twenty-seven of the perps are still at large.

May 2006: For the first time, British scientists claim to detect sentence-like patterns and codes in Nigerian monkey calls. It's soon decided that we "know too much."

June 2006: Spain—perhaps intimidated, or merely recognizing the inevitable—considers a resolution granting apes legal rights similar to humans'.

Nov. 2006: A trembling human race awaits the ape response to Spain's overture, as dark monkey armies gather in jungles across the world to hatch what we can only assume is an imminent, all-out attack. Courage.

Todd Seavey, a Phillips Foundation Journalism Fellow, edits HealthFactsAndFears.com