If America had a flag as proudly homosexual as these, Republicans might actually be eager to burn it

After Congress' latest attempt to pass an amendment banning flag desecration was shot down this summer by a single Senate vote, Republican Orrin Hatch vowed to try again in 2007: "For protecting the Stars and Stripes," he sputtered, "I will not give up!" What would it take to make such a man stop scheming to deny us our right to burn flags?

Hmm. Something tells us Hatch wouldn't be so keen to "protect" our flag if it were more flamboyant ... more suggestive of steamy man-on-man action ... more intrigued by the novels of Armistead Maupin. If it were, in short, more like these eight arguably queer flags.

Belize The sexual tension here is so thick you could cut it with—oh, we don't know—an ax? These two traditional woodcutters may feign surly indifference for each other, but their shared love of crisp linen pants tells another story, namely: "How about crisscrossing your massive phallic symbol with mine sometime over a Corona Light?" Adopted in 1981 after Belize gained independence from the U.K., this is, as far as we know, the only national flag styled by Abercrombie & Fitch.

Christmas Island What a pretty bird. It makes us think of words like "lilting," "buoyant," "felching," and "David Geffen." Though Christmas Island itself, an Australian territory of only 1,500 souls, is generally discreet, it's come to our attention that its feathery flag is secretly sodomizing nearby Papua New Guinea's. The giveaway: As with Oscar Wilde and Lord Alfred Douglas, they're starting to dress alike.

Isle of Man Some flags are subtly gay. This one, on the other hand, clearly depicts two medieval knights who have somehow merged their bodies into a three-legged freak-thing during the heat of passion. A well-known slut, the Isle of Man's flag seems to be saying to the other pennants of the world: "I dare you not to stare at my bulging, tripartite crotch."

Bermuda We've noticed that isolated islands are disproportionately likely to have queer flags; it must be something in the water. Take Bermuda's: Here, a frightened-looking bear hides his body behind a heraldic shield while attempting to perform a squat. Why is he so anxious and concealing? Has he inadvertently become aroused by the Isle of Man flag's unprecedented basket? Or is his body simply not beach-ready?

Belarus Um, Belarus. Is that ... embroidery? Yeah, down the side there. Come on, buddy, let's butch it up a bit, okay? What's that? You adore embroidery? Okay, that's cool, but what if there's a war or something, don't you want to—Okay, okay. No, Belarus, please, don't stab us with your ancient Slavic knife. Ouch, fuck, that hurts! STOP IT, BELARUS! We don't have health insurance!

Seychelles There's no shortage of nations with conventional striped flags. Staunch horizontal stripes. Upstanding verticals. All rather dull designs which heartily enjoy the humor of Jay Leno. The irrepressible Seychelles, however—a group of islands in the Indian Ocean where Beyoncé is always welcome—deviates from this norm. With this elated, radiant unfurling of diagonals, it declares, "We're here! We're queer! We used to spend our summers being twirled by boys in marching bands!"

Libya Libya's flag reveals no hint of flamboyance or vulnerability. No crafty motifs like Belarus' touchy flag. No bears with body issues. It is, in fact, the world's only national flag that's a solid, unyielding block of color. So why does it remind us of that guy in our frat? The one who always wore Dockers, had more than 200 synonyms for breasts, conspicuously owned every Dave Matthews CD, and yet somehow ended up as a sommelier at Disney World.

We urge you to come out of the closet, Libya's flag. We promise not to desecrate you, unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing.

Northern Marianas Islands Speaking of that sort of thing, what exactly is going on here? The Northern Mariana Islands, a U.S. territory in the Pacific notoriously represented on Capitol Hill by Jack Abramoff, are known for their coconuts, their sweatshops, and, judging from this flag, their avid interest in fisting. How else to explain that menacing gray-gloved fist poised to penetrate that stylized circular colon?

George W. Bush—this kinky territory's official head of state—must be very proud.

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